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I didn’t realize how alone I felt until recently. Until seeing Seb became what I woke up for. A few minutes, hello, goodbye, the opportunity to catch him after a run, with his shirt tight and hair dark with sweat, was quickly addictive.
How simple a good morning can be. How transformative. The difference between hearing it and missing it can alter my day.
Despite being around people for my work, it wasn’t the same. My whole job involved talking to people, asking questions, digging deeper, and yet it felt hollow. At the end of the job, we’d go our separate ways, and I’d move on to the next subject. In the last five years, I must havetraded hellos with a hundred people. Probably more. But none of them ever felt this good. None of them made me smile when I woke up, anticipation warming my skin.
How long did I go, talking to people but never saying anything?
Here Sebastian is, asking me to reveal myself, wanting the mess. Wanting me. It means more than he realizes.
“So answer me this,” Cassie says. “If you weren’t scared to move away from Elmsford to write five years ago, then why does this book scare you so much?” Finished now, she moves away from the hive, pulling her veil off. “I just mean, you’ve already proved you can take a leap of faith.”
“It’s hard to explain.” Only Morgan knows what truly drove me to move. It was hard but necessary. “My parents love me, I know they do, but they’ve always been too protective of me. Like they were scared I’d break. They didn’t trust me to handle myself, and Aiden wasn’t much better. It was like having three parents, yet none of them could see me as anything other than a fragile baby bird.”
Cassie nods as we walk back to the house. “The only way to know what you could really handle was to test your limits yourself.”
“Exactly.” That’s what drove me to move away. I saw the opportunity to be closer to the publishing house and took a leap.
Then I proceeded to hide in my apartment for five years. The few times I went on dates only made it worse. If it wasn’t for having a job I loved, I would have moved back within a month. But even writing didn’t cure myhomesickness. I was only ever half-present. Morgan and Aiden were still back in Elmsford, and so my heart was never fully invested in Chance.
“And now?” Cassie asks. “It must be strange trying to merge the new you with the old.”
I sigh. “You have no idea.”
“Finally. I’ve been waiting on these labels for weeks.” There’s a package on her counter, which Cassie proceeds to tear into. “If it’s a long story you’re worried about, I promise you I love them. Couldn’t have gotten through all seven sequels ofFoolish Bladesotherwise.”
I huff a laugh. “Okay, but books four and five were worth the wait.”
“Agreed, but stop changing the subject.”
Damn. Caught again. Cassie and Sebastian could hold a seminar on not letting me slip anything by them.
“I’m worried I don’t fit in my own life anymore.” It’s difficult to describe, but the nagging worry has only grown since I came back. “My best friend, Morgan, well. It’s like I don’t know how to be around her in the same way. I’m so confused. She’s been with me for fifteen years. We talked almost every day that I was away, so why is it strange now that I’m home?”
I can’t work out when things changed. Have I really changed so much?
“I can’t comment on your exact situation because I don’t know your friend, but I can say this—we meet some people at the exact moment we need to, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be the right people to keep with us. Maybe what you needed from her as a friend fifteen years agoisn’t what you need anymore. It’s okay to evolve past the people in your life.”
I yawn. “Sorry,” I offer, but Cassie waves me off. “I was up late at Morgan’s house watchingDays of Our Lives.”
“I’m more partial to B&B, but Days used to be my mom’s favorite.”
Mine too.
Before I left Elmsford, I could spend hours watching it with Morgan, but last night, it was like trying to sell a romance that doesn’t have a HEA. An uphill battle.
I wanted to leave early, but Morgan sounded so disappointed when I mentioned it that I stayed another two hours.
Being with Cassie reminds me of being away. Unlike Morgan or my brother—even Sebastian, to an extent—there aren’t any preconceived notions. Cassie only knows me as the me I am now. It’s freeing. I can be anyone, and maybe it’s Sebastian’s pushing, but for once, I want to be myself.
Because I might be kind of amazing, I think.
I stare down at the iced tea on the counter before me, Cassie’s own recipe. “You don’t think the assassin angle is too much? It gets pretty gory.”
“That’s what I love about it. When she blew that fucker away in the first chapter while he was mid villain monologue, I was hooked.”
One aspect of writing fiction I never expected? Beingable to geek out over my characters with someone else. I’ve been hoarding the story for so long, it’s kind of blowing my mind right now to hear someone else talk about it.
Part of me is secretly wondering if she’s only humoring me.
