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Jennifer snorted. “Yeah, and if they have straight kids, guess who gets the credit? The dad. For being a good role model as a man, for being someone the boy could emulate and the girl would want to marry.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s all bullshit. I think Donnie needs to get his head out of those crack-ass books and back into what he’s supposed to be teaching us.”
“I like his crack-ass books,” I said. “His lectures are always interesting at least. Unlike most of my classes.”
“My mom’s birthday is coming up,” Minty said, changing the subject. He caught my eye and then looked away. As far as I knew, he hadn’t told Jennifer about his HIV status or why he’d gotten tested, and his tension around the subject of his mom’s birthday went over her head. “I’m thinking of getting her a gift certificate for a fancy salon to celebrate her day. Where do you recommend?”
“You like my stylist’s work?” Jennifer said, fluffing her hair and grinning. “Let me get my planner out. It has her number in it.” While she sorted through her backpack, I studied Minty.
The bruises he’d had around his neck had long ago faded, and I hadn’t seen any evidence that he’d returned to fucking Kyle since we’d all prayed together. Not that I trusted Minty to be honest with me if he had, but the lack of fingerprint marks around his pale throat was reassuring.
I followed him out of the cafeteria when lunch was over. Usually, we parted ways outside the UC, but this time I turned to walk with him. He cut a glance toward me, shoulders stiffening as he asked, “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to check in on you.”
“What? To see if I’m still ‘acting out?’ Daniel got you spying on me now?”
“No. I just care.”
“Right, well…” He sighed, and the tension dissolved. “I cut things off with Kyle.” He laughed and looked at my slyly. “But I’m still considering going for one last fuck. I hate to walk away from that without another hit for the road.”
“Minty…”
“Don’t scold me,” he said, shooting me a dark look. “You don’t get to judge me.”
“I’m not judging. I just want you safe.”
“Too late, dollface. I’m far from fucking safe. I’m a lost cause.” The sun sparkled in Minty’s blond hair, and even on his skin, which still had some glitter stuck to it here and there from his last trip to Tilt-a-Whirl. “I miss it. Being treated like that.” He smiled, and his expression was so sad it cut me to the quick. “But I guess Daniel’s right. The risk of infection or worse is too big. I need to be more careful.”
“What about Barry’s suggestion?” I didn’t understand this need of Minty’s to be punished and hurt, but if Barry recommended that he see this other guy, if it was safer or better for him in some way while still meeting his needs, then I’d rather he did that than go back to Kyle the next time he was feeling desperate.
“I’m still thinking about it.” Minty and I started the long climb up the stairs to the top of the Hill. I was panting by the time we reached the top.
“What’s stopping you?” I asked.
Minty huffed a laugh. “Well, I’m afraid for one thing. Barry said this guy knows how to hurt a person without doing real or lasting damage. Like screaming-crying pain. That’s excitingandterrifying. At least with Kyle or someone like him, I know what to expect.”
“Oh.”
“And I don’t know if it will even work,” Minty went on. “Because part of what I like about guys like Kyle is knowing that they hate me, that they hate wanting me, and yet they can’t resist. It’s a huge power trip. With this guy, that element wouldn’t be there.”
“I see.” But I didn’t, because none of this was anything I’d ever want for myself, but I could see Minty craved it. Maybe not the Minty he’d been when I’d first met him, but the Minty he was now—post HIV-diagnosis, all self-destructive, hurt, angry, and scared.ThisMinty needed that kind of treatment almost like a fucked-up version of therapy. I didn’t get it, but I could see that it was true.
“So, I don’t know,” Minty said, grimacing into the sun as it came out from behind a cloud. “What do you think?”
“I think if Barry suggested it, then it has to be safer than Kyle.”
“But I don’twantsafe, Peter.”
“I know. What about the other thing then? Like Daniel’s been asking of you?”
“The ARK counselor?”
I nodded.
Minty sighed, hitched his backpack higher, and squinted into the sun again. I knew that look, and that hesitation. “I’m not ready for that.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he motioned toward the other side of campus. “Go on. There’s nothing else to say right now. I’m fine.”
He wasn’t fine, and neither was Daniel, but he was right that there was nothing else to say at this moment, not to someone as stubborn as Minty. He had to get there in his own time.
I headed back down the steep stairs and crossed campus, but not toward my class. I had somewhere else I needed to be, and talking with Minty only reminded me of how much I needed and wanted the information.
