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I shook my head, pushing on, “But whatever the case, we werenevergoing to work. We don’t have to look back at this as a failure. Our relationship had something beautiful about it, too. LikeThe Prisoners. That’s why it’s valuable to us both, even though it ended like this. But that’s also why we need to stop it here. Now. Because if we tried to continue, we’d strike that fatal flaw at the wrong angle, and it’d break us both into pieces that couldn’t ever be put together again.”
“But I’ve already done that, don’t you see?” He gripped my hand hard, and I felt his desperation radiate up my arm. “I’ve already struck that blow, and, without you, my whole life is ruined.”
“You’re only nineteen years old. Your life can’t be ruined. Not yet.” I touched his wet cheek. “And if I did what you wanted? If I took you back? We’d ruin each other for sure. This is your best chance to be happy, and mine too. Let’s take it. Let’s learn how to be better to the ones we love, how to not hold grudges or take our pain into our next relationship. Okay?”
“No.”
“Adam, nothing you say will change my mind, so you need to change yours.”
“Peter…”
I shook my head. “If I take this metaphor in another direction, I could say you have a choice now. You can let go of this and become theDavidyourself with just a small bit of damage on his toe. Or you can hold on to us and stay trapped in unyielding marble forever, because that’s your choice. Move on and grow or stay stuck. I’m going to grow.”
“But you just saidThe Prisonerswere beautiful. Stay in this with me. Please.”
“That was the metaphor about our relationship. We can only look at it as beautiful if we move on. If we keep hammering at it, we’ll destroy every last bit that was ever good. But this other metaphor is about us, as men. As gay men—”
“I’m not gay.”
“As a gay man and a bisexual man, then. We have to be better than we have been.”
“We could be better together!”
I released his hand and put my fingers on his lips to keep him quiet. “We can’t. BecauseI don’t love you. Not anymore.”
“This is about that guy, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s about me. If Daniel left me tomorrow, I still wouldn’t come back to you. We’re over, Adam. Accept that, so you can move on. Maybe even with Leslie if—”
“She hates me now!”
“Okay, then with some other person, or people.”
“People?”
“Yeah, there are folks out there who are open to having more than one person in their relationships. Look at Robert and Barry. There are probably girls like that, too.”
“No, Peter… Please.Please.”
I sighed and stood, picking up my keys again. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’ve said everything there is to say. Now you just need to accept it.” I tugged on the door behind him, opening it against his back, forcing him to move.
As he stood, I walked out, down the stairs, and out the front door.
My Volvo was waiting for me, and I drove straight to Daniel’s, with tears running down my cheeks.
Chapter Thirty-Six
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“What’s wrong, baby?”Daniel’s voice came down the line. “You sound upset.”
When he’d first answered the phone, he’d greeted me with a hearty “Merry Christmas” but after I’d returned the greeting with a lot less enthusiasm, he’d known something wasn’t right.
I stood in the middle of his kitchen, thinking that we should get a phone extension for the living room. It’d be a lot more comfortable. “It’s a long story. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Long since yesterday?”
I groaned. “Yeah, pretty much. Hold on.” I’d been so overheated, both from being upset and the aggressive heater in my car, that I’d opened the kitchen window when I first got to his house to let in a cool, fresh breeze.
