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I’m disgusting, I’m—
“I love you, Mitchell!” I shouted. My balls ached and my asshole felt tender. “I love you, Mitchell!”
“Yes,” Luke groaned. “Shout it.”
“I love you! I love you!” As I strove for orgasm, my heart shattered, and I wailed like a baby, and still Luke didn’t give up.
“Love yourself. You’re so good. You’re so fucking good, baby.” He slid his arm around my throat, dragging me up against his body, bending my back like a bow. The angle intensified the sensation on my prostate. My cock leaked pre-cum as I stroked it faster.
Shame mixed with the ecstasy as I grabbed Luke’s arm around my neck, pressed against it to cut off my own air, and shot off hard. My eyes rolled back, I garbled incoherently, and I shuddered like I was having a seizure.
The release was gorgeous. All my shame blotted out by blinding pleasure.
We collapsed back to the horse, both of us heaving and sweating. Luke eventually pulled out, leaving cum dripping down my legs. I whimpered as he hauled me up, guided me over to the bed, and used a cloth from the bathroom to wash me off.
I was lost in a quiet place. Even as he washed away the cum and sweat, even as he hummed the whole time about how amazing I was, I was gone from the room.
Tucking me up in bed, after forcing me to drink a glass of water, Luke climbed in with me. I wished we were upstairs in his bedroom, but the bed down here would have to do. I didn’t have the energy to roll over to my other side, much less walk up the stairs.
My ass was tender, but Luke applied cream. I held myselfgingerly on one hip, my arm curled beneath the pillow and my head. Luke was on his side too, facing me, his gaze taking in everything.
“You doing okay?”
I nodded.
“Did I take it too far?”
I snorted a laugh.
“I’m okay,” I told him.
“Did it help?” His brows twitched down, a shadow in his irises.
“I think so.” It was hard to be sure. I’d come my brains out, and I’d been beaten into an endorphin release the intensity of which wasn’t going to wear off for days. “I feel steadier now.”
“I’m glad.
I took his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing the fingers.
“I love you,” Luke said.
“I love you too.”
We spooned together, breathing slowly, letting exhaustion pull us down. Luke was asleep before I was. I rolled over in his arms and gazed at the way his face looked so much younger. Every worry and wrinkle was gone.
I stayed on my side, just breathing his breath and watching his eyes move back and forth beneath his soft lids.
He’d pulled out the stops for me tonight. He’d gone darker and deeper than he’d probably ever wanted to go, and it hadn’t been for him. It was for me. He might be a sadist, but he wasn’t into this kind of psychological shit-show, I knew that.
I also believed that he loved me. Who except for a man in love would take this horrible journey with me? Who else would makemetake it for my own sake?
He loved me despite how fucked up I was. And I loved him.
I loved him so much that I didn’t want to admit what I’d come to realize as I lifted out of subspace tonight. There was no way to get this horror out of me. No way at all. Just like HIV, the rape wasa part of me forever, lingering in my cells. I’d known it would be from the moment my father had shoved his dick into me.
The only way to truly escape the shame was to cut it out. And the only way to cut it out was to die. And I wasn’t ready to die yet. Not just yet.
