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Without the funds to refill them—having spent all my extra cash on the Biltmore trip for my mom—I realized I’d have to go back to the dorm to stay until Luke returned. There, at least, I had access to the University cafeterias for all my meals.
But the wisdom of going back to the dorm instead of crashing with Barry and Robert, or even my mom, was still up in the air.
I tried to keep myself busy, though, to keep my mind and body occupied with other things. I attended free Aikido classes with Sensei and indulged in kickboxing sparring with Sensei Junior a few nights running. That left me exhausted and accomplished, much like how I felt after a night in the basement with Luke.
But, also unfortunately, the results were short-lived.
After a shower, I sat down at my dorm desk to study, but started feeling itchy and restless again. I gazed at the microfiche print-out, staring at my father and Tamara Elise’s faces, and thinking about the virus in my veins, the death that was coming for me, andwondering if Tamara Elise would think I deserved it for what I’d done.
In pre-diagnosis days, when I’d felt bombarded with bad memories, I’d get up in the night and go on a walk to clear my head. But now I was afraid I’d walk right to Kyle’s room. I couldfeelthe pull of Kyle and the power-charged oblivion he offered. It was like a demonic string attached to my gut, tugging and tugging.
Still, I was determined to be strong, so I’d decided to try to embrace the old Minty. The guy I’d pretended to be before the diagnosis. He’d been half-free, hadn’t he? Or at least he’d managed to shove all the darkness into a hole in his heart, sealed it off, and refused to look inside, running from the truth of himself.He’dtried to become a human incarnation of rainbows, sunshine, and fairy dust.He’dshined.
So, I went dancing at Tilt-a-Whirl.
Barry was the only one of my old gang there, though, and I avoided him like the plague. He’d have asked me questions that would’ve torn open wounds and made them bleed. What Ineededwas Luke, but since I couldn’t have him, I decided alcohol, and more alcohol, and some grinding on the dance floor with strangers—who would later complain when I refused to follow them to the bathroom or back out to their car—was the answer.
At least the thrumming music and drinks dampened the burning shame that rose in me like flames. But I woke at three in the morning, sweaty and nauseous, a dream of being on my knees in front of my father lingering like vomit in my mouth.
I wished I could call Luke and beg him to please let me drive up to see him, but I knew he and his mother were headed to the Cumberland Plateau the next morning to pick up Betsy for the holidays and, worse, to break the news to her that she wouldn’t be returning to Riverwoods and Rodney. It was going to be rough. Luke needed his rest, not to be woken in the middle of the night bya boyfriend whining in his ear.
Maybe if I beat off, I could escape this horrible restless feeling.
I got out some battered old gay porn magazines I’d scored from Knox Supplies & News the last time I visited Luke at work, back before all this stuff with his dad had gone down. Flipping through the ragged pages, I jerked off like my life depended on it. But the static visuals weren’t enough to make me come. I needed more.
I needed filthy, dirty, bad, and wrong. I needed pain. I needed Luke.
Irefusedto call him, though. I could be the boyfriend he needed. I could give him the space to deal with his family problems. I could be the kind of man who took good care of himself, and Iwouldprotect my heart, just the way he’d asked. I’d…
I’d…
I’d call Daniel.
Relief poured through me when the best guy in the whole world picked up on just the fourth ring.
***
“So, you’re reallymoving in with Peter, huh?” I asked.
We were drinking to-go milkshakes and sitting in his car by the Fountain City duck pond. The weather had turned colder, but the ducks looked warm enough paddling around in the mossy, green water. I hadn’t told him much on the phone the night before, just that I couldn’t sleep, and that I had regrets about the way I’d left things the last time I talked to him.
He’d accepted that with easy grace like he always did. Then he’d told me he forgave me and loved me and asked to meet up today. Which was exactly what I’d been hoping for, so I agreed.
The heater was on high, blowing the cold away, and my face felt tight like it was sucking all the moisture from my skin. I glanced over at Daniel as he considered my question about his choice tomove in with Peter. He smiled wistfully.
“Yeah, I want to spend every minute I can with him. Sleep next to him at night. See his face in the morning. He’s adorable in the mornings.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, though I thought Peter looked rough in the mornings in my limited experience from our road trip the prior summer. His curly hair made for some gnarly bedhead. We sat in silence for a few minutes, just the slurp of our milkshakes piercing the silence of the car.
“Hey,” I said after a few minutes. “I know I said it last night, but I really am sorry about how I treated you before. I’m a big drama queen, I guess.” I snorted. “Not that an HIV diagnosis isn’t something to get dramatic about, but I didn’t make it easy for you to be there for me. I never do when I’m in a bad place. And I’m sorry. I’m trying to do better.”
God, was I trying. I felt like a heroin addict battling a craving no one knew about but me. No congratulations, no cheers for all the work I was putting in. Just more struggle, more trying not to cave to my worst impulses. More trying to be strong for Luke, for myself.
I love you, Mitchell.
The declaration rose unbidden to my head. I wished Ifeltit, though. The words never fully penetrated my darkness.
“I’m just glad you called,” Daniel said. “I love you, and I always will, no matter what you say or do.”
