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Minty chewed on his bottom lip. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I’m not offering to do that. I’m simply saying that you’re not alone in being drawn to BDSM scenarios and pain after a sexual assault. The voluntary release of control to a trusted Dom and choosing to experience pain in a sexual context can be healing. It’s the choice that matters.”
Minty turned that over in his head. “Like how when I’m with Kyle, I’m choosing to let him do those things to me. He thinks he’s in control, but the truth isI have the power, even though he’s beating me down, hurting me, and forcing me.”
“Exactly. Before, when your father hurt you, there was no power because there was no choice.”
“But…”
“But what?”
His eyes darted down to the floor and stayed there. His voice was nearly a whisper as he filled in the blank he’d left in his speech. “That’s not true. I had power.”
“Tell me what you mean by that.”
He shifted uncomfortably, but didn’t argue. A part of me suspected hewantedto talk about the rape in more detail, probably had wanted to for a long time.
“I was thirteen when my dad—” he broke off and swallowed the next words.
“Go on.”
“I’ve never told anyone this. Not my old therapist, not my case worker, not anyone.”
“Tell me.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“I know you can,” I said forcefully. It was partly encouragement, but more of an order. The Dom voice did a lot to subs, and Minty was no different.
He swallowed hard, his eyes fluttering. Finally, he spoke again, “I was thirteen when he didthat. To me.”
My heart cracked open with pain for him, but I stayed quiet, letting him talk.
“During it, part of me just checked out, went to another place.”
I nodded.
“But another part of me was very present. I felt…” He stopped again, his breath coming in short and fast. He glanced up at me, terror in his eyes. His pulse thudded visibly in his throat.
“Whatever you say, I’m not going to be surprised,” I said as calmly as I could.
“You will be. It’s…” He shook his head. “It’s very bad.”
My own heart rate was up. I was wading into deeply murky waters. I was taking a very big fucking risk.
“Would it help you if I said the words?” His gaze caught onmine, and he looked so frightened that it took all my courage to push on and not back out. “All right. You felt powerful, despite not having a choice. Because he wanted you. Is that right?”
Minty pushed a loose strand of the longer part of his hair back off his face, before tightening the lacy tie with shaking hands. “My dad ignored me most of my life. Later on, he hit me whenever he noticed me. I hated being hit, but I hated being ignored more.”
“He didn’t ignore you that day.”
“No. He didn’t. I was wearing a dress. My mom’s dress, and I’d put on a touch of eyeshadow—” He squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing as he remembered. “He went crazy when he saw me. Shouted that he’d show me what it was like to be a girl if that’s what I wanted to be so badly.” He looked at me with his blue eyes shimmering. “I already told you one of the worst parts.”
“Which was?”
“I came,” he whispered, looking up at me.
“You did tell me that. And I told you that was just physiological.”
