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I hate myself for being a weak bitch.
Last night, even as I was probably on the verge of death from hypothermia, I took the scraps of affection that Nik offered me. Warmth, sweet words, himself. Why am I so weak for him? I don’t want to be. He has snared me in his trap, shackled me to his limbs, put me under his spell. Now I’m afraid I’ll never get out, not alive.
No matter what I feel or want with him, there’s one undeniable truth: I’m marrying Leo in a year. Nothing can stop that, no matter how many times I tell Nikolai I’m his or how many lies I feed him. It also doesn’t matter if I’m feeling something for him; nothing is getting in the way of my cruel fate.
I keep telling myself it’s not that bad, that what I’m feeling right now I could easily feel for Leo. Except it’s not true, and I know it. Nik wants to own every single part of me: mind, body, and soul. I don’t know if I can give him everything he wants. The things he demands of me. Or if he already has it all.
Nikolai also makes me feel things that Leo could never. The swarm of raging butterflies manically trying to fly, crawl, somehow find their way out of my body when Nikolai so much as looks at me. One look from those silver eyes and I’m done for.
I’m afraid of what’s happening between us. When the hell did he get so possessive over me? When did he start saying sweet things that make my heart skip beats? He thought I was sleeping last night as he whispered sweet words in my ear, which means he meant everything he said. I think that’s worse than if he had lied. I can get over the lies; I can’t get over his truths.
He told me to stop ruining his life, but what he doesn’t know is that he’s ruining mine just as much. My heart clenches in my chest again as the memories resurface.
Stop ruining my life.
Stop making me feel alive.
My little sun.
Nikolai called me his little sun, but he’s a shadow in my life. The sun doesn’t shine when he’s with me. He’s the darkest part of the night. He’s the new moon obscuring everything around me: my thoughts, feelings, and even myself. I don’t know who I am anymore when he’s around. I don’t even recognize myself. Being with him is like an out-of-body experience. It feels good, amazing even, but then you return to your body and realize it’s the most terrible thing that could happen to you.
So I have to get out before I’m in too deep.
I’ve tried already, though it never works. He didn’t take me seriously at all when I told him we were done. If anything, it made him a little crazier. It made him want memore. Is it the chase that he craves? Is that what he likes? Keeps him coming back for more? I don’t know, but it needs to stop if I want to keep even a shred of my sanity. I’d be fine with one centimeter of it.
I tiptoe out of the bathroom and open the bedroom door, looking back just to see Nik still sound asleep. Closing it behind me, I gasp when I turn around and hands come to my mouth.
“Shhhhh,tesoro mio,” Leo whispers. “Thank you for helping me find him.”
I shake my head as he releases me. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Your car has a tracker, pretty girl.” Leo smirks. “Or did you think I don’t keep tabs on you?”
“Were you faking your sad boy bullshit the past few days?” I sneer, and he flinches. Yeah, he wasn’t faking it, but I’m still going to hit where it hurts. How dare he? “Were you messing with me?”
I look past him and see that he’s alone, thankfully. Maybe I can get him to leave before Nik wakes up. This isn’t going to end well.
“Camilla,” he whispers. “I suggest you shut up now.”
“Why?” I chuckle, “Hit a nerve? Are you that fake?”
Leo grabs me by the neck, a grimace on his face. “What are you doing here, Camilla, wearing absolutely nothing?” He looks me up and down in disgust.
“Oh,” I chuckle. “Are you shaming me now?” Little does he know I almost died last night and ruined his precious little empire. Not that it would matter. If I didn’t marry him, someone else would step up to do it.
“Yeah.” He nods. “I am.”
Perfect. Just another asshole man who believes women are shackled to the opinions of society and bound by morals. Fuckthat,and fuckhim. I’ll fuck who I want, when I want.
Takes two to tango.
Except with Nikolai. There’s no dancing. It’s just a fight to the death when we fuck, a battle of wills, a show of dominance. I crave every second of the pain he inflicts upon me. The masochist in me thirsts for the sadist in him, and my blood lust is never satisfied.
“What are you doing here, Leonardo?” I ask him, using his first name instead of calling him what I always do. His spine straightens and his hand wraps around my neck. “Don’t,” I say through gritted teeth as he tightens his fingers.
I look down at a box he has in his free hand, and when he moves his hand away, whatever is in the box makes a clattering sound.
“I had some unfinished business,tesoro mio, and now I got what I came here for.” He shakes the little box. “Thank you for your help, Cam. Truly.” He smiles. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t agreed to fucking him.”
