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“You did nothing to deserve it,” Lucas grumbles, his body almost growing in size. “Nothing. No one deserves to be treated like shit.”
“I treated him like shit. So much so that he left school.”
They both stare at me, and I feel ashamed all over again. “I was a bully. A mean one. I deserve it. It just hurts because I really liked him…Istilllike him.”
“You guys should talk then,” Jai finally says, and I nod, knowing I need to. But first I want to see the kids, hug them and squish them, and let them tell me how much they love me before calling him.
Maybe then I can face him.
Because then I’ll know at least someone loves me when I return home empty once more.
CHAPTER 16
JUDE
The cucumbers Ollie set on my eyes didn’t work as well as I’d hoped.
Hayden is now staring at me as I cradle Charlie in my arms and take a seat on the sofa, Julia and Jordan scrambling up next to me, chattering endlessly about Legos andMinecraftand anything else they can get out of their little brains.
Brian is in the kitchen on his laptop and peers over at us occasionally. He’s busy working, and thank fuck for that, because my sister is going out with a friend, leaving me blessedly alone with the kids for a while.
Well, with Brian still around, but he keeps to himself for the most part.
“You sure you’re okay?” she asks, grabbing her purse. “You look like you’ve been crying.”
“I haven’t.”
She pauses. “If someone hurt you, I will find them and they’ll wish they’d never been born.”
The sentiment is so ridiculously nuts that I belt out an unexpected wet laugh.
“What? No, it’s nothing like that, Hayden. I’m fine. Just go. I’ll see you when you get back,” I reply, lifting up Charlie and blowing a raspberry on his stomach so I don’t start bawling once more. It helps that he giggles and grabs at my hair, yanking it roughly, distracting me enough so my tears don’t fall.
“Okay, if you need anything, call me. And I mean it, for anything, Jude.”
“Will do,” I say, even though I’d never. And not because I don’t appreciate the sentiment. No, it was bad enough turning my phone on to come over here. I saw the ten missed calls from Alec, the voicemails that I didn’t listen to, and then twenty-some texts. I shut it back off immediately. I had to before I was tempted to listen to them. And I wanted to listen to them. Badly.
Just not now. I will, but I need a minute with the kids just to love and feel loved.
That’s what I need at the moment, to feel worthy.
I’ve done so many bad things in my life that I need to come to terms with it. I hope that maybe, despite it all, I am still worth being loved the way I’ve always craved.
“You guys wanna build some Legos?” I ask, and Jordan jumps up, nearly toppling off the couch in his haste to get them.
“Yes! And then can we go to the park. Please. Pleeeeease.”
Julia is chiming in now and I can’t turn them down. I wouldn’t mind getting out of the house with them, and despite going there a hundred times, they never seem to tire of it. So I agree. And after playing with Legos for a while, we get ready to head out. Much to my surprise, Brian joins us.
“Nice day, huh?” he says as we make our way down the street. Jordan is ten steps ahead of us while Julia clings to her dad’s hand. Charlie is in the carrier I’m wearing and is wiggling his arms and legs nonstop.
“Yeah, nice day,” I say, even though inside I feel bleak and sad. Even the sunshine isn’t warming the coldness seeping through my skin.
Brian sighs and then glances down at Julia. “Why don’t you run ahead with Jordan, baby girl?”
She glances up at him and shakes her head. “No. I don’t want to.”
He lets out a small laugh and then glances over at me from behind his glasses. He’s older than me by about ten years and looks far more distinguished than any man has any right to. But he’s good for my sister, I think. He levels her out, makes her a little more reasonable. Makes her a little more likable.
