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She’s right, this is heartbreak. As soon as I pushed Nat away, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, ripping me to shreds from the inside out. Everything inside me wanted me to turn around and take it all back, but the complete panic and loss of control at the stadium scared me. I couldn’t lose her toanother accident and I couldn’t keep her, knowing I was seconds away from demanding she give it all up for me.
“It’s for the best,” I say, offering her no more than that.
“Best for who? You or her?”
“Both of us,” I answer simply.
“Mmm-hmm, and what does Natasha think of this?”
“How do you know it’s Nat?”
“Because every time we spoke while I was away, you’d bring her name up. Even if we were talking about something completely unrelated, you’d find a way to mention her. I could hear the happiness radiating from you every time. You talk about her like she’s the sunshine and you’re the starving plant coming to life after a bleak winter.”
“Does everything need to be about plants?” I deflect.
“Tell me what you did to ruin this.”
I let out a heavy breath. If there’s anyone in this world that will understand why I did this, it’ll be my sister.
“She got hurt in a game and I… I completely lost it.” Even that feels like an understatement. Had a breakdown and ruined my life might be a better choice of words.
“She plays in goal, doesn’t she?” Hannah says, understanding in her soft eyes.
“It was exactly the same. Same pitch, same goal, same opposition, same weather conditions.” I sit on the sofa, rub my hands over my face and groan as I massage my aching temples. “As soon as I saw she was okay, the thought ran through my mind that I needed her to quit. That I needed her to give up everything for me.”
“But you didn’t say it, did you?” she asks, and I shake my head.
“Every relationship I’ve been in has ended because I’m overbearing and overprotective and I didn’t even love those women.” But I love Nat, and that terrifies me.
“Luke, this was a random, intrusive thought in the heat of the moment. Like when you think, I wonder what would happen if I swerve my car on the motorway or you’re holding a baby and think, I wonder what would happen if I dropped it. There’s no way you meant it and I don’t believe for one second, you’d actually ask her to give it all up for you.”
“I can’t risk losing her like we lost Mam. I couldn’t live through that again.”
“Luke, for fuck’s sake, you’re an idiot! You’ve already lost her because you pushed her away. But that’s not going to stop you loving her or caring about her. Those worries are a trauma response and will always be there, whether you’re together or not, so why not choose to be happy, go to therapy and work through this as a couple? She’ll understand and if she loves you like you love her I can guarantee she’ll stick by your side as you work this all out.”
I don’t answer her question, I don’t think she actually needs an answer because we both know it would have been the sensible thing for me to have done in the first place. Not only that, but it’s what I want to do; it’s what you do when you’re in love, you work together through everything.
Fuck, Hannah’s right, I am such an idiot.
“I don’t even know if she’ll give me another chance.” I jump to my feet.
“There’s only one way to find out, go and find her.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Natasha
Reality hits when I hear Luke bringing Hannah home from the airport.
He’s laughing and joking in the corridor as he carries her bags in, and honestly, the fact that he sounds fine, as if he didn’t shatter my heart into a million pieces a week ago, hurts like fuck.
There is no way I can stay here listening to that through the wall so I pull on my running shoes and grab my keys, doingthe only thing I can think of that will help, and drive to my favourite running spot.
It’s still bright out when I reach Herrington Country Park, although the temperature has definitely dropped as the sun begins to set. It doesn’t bother me much because, by the time I finish my first loop around the lake, I’m sweating.
Somewhere in the very back of my mind I know I should be taking it easy given my recent clash with a large metal goalpost, but I can’t help myself. I chase relief by pounding my feet into the pavement and pushing harder than ever, letting the burn of my lungs distract me from the pain coursing through the rest of my body.
I only allow myself to come to a stop when I reach the top of Penshaw Hill. Every fibre of my body is screaming at me as I double over, shadowed by Penshaw Monument. My body trembles and I drop to my knees on the grass. It’s the only thing I can do to stop my legs giving out completely.
