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Richie shrugged his shoulders and exhaled. He wasn’t crying; he didn’t seem angry. “I guess I can’t blame you. I should have known better. It’s not like I haven’t been through this before. I just thought this time was different. I thought I had a real chance with Brad. I guess I was just fooling myself into believing there might be a happy ending for people like us. I tend to be delusional that way and I’m a sucker for a guy with a great line of bullshit.”
Toby didn’t know what to say. He knew Richie wouldn’t go to the hospital to see Brad; this sort of thing wasn’t done; it would have been too risky. Toby wasn’t sure there was a happy ending for people like them either. He almost wished Richie would get mad and start throwing things around. He would have known how to handle that. “Why don’t you go into the bedroom and rest for a while.”
“No,” Richie said. “I’m fine. I’ll leave. I’ve already caused you enough problems. You don’t need me around anymore. You must think I’m the biggest jerk in New York.”
He couldn’t let him leave this way. “I don’t think you’re a jerk at all. I never did. Don’t leave now. Go into the bedroom and rest. I’ll order Chinese and have it delivered. It’s going to be okay.”
“No it’s not,” Richie said. “It’s never going to be okay. It’s always going to be the way it is right now. Guys like us aren’t allowed to have the same things everyone else gets. We’re screwed from the start. The really ironic part is that even when we settle for guys like Brad, we wind up alone in the end anyway.” Then he loped into the bedroom, with his head down, and fell across the bed.
While Richie was in the bedroom, Toby went next door and explained what was happening to Rosemary. When she heard about what had happened, and Toby explained why Richie was so devastated, she understood why Toby wouldn’t be able to join her for dinner. Then she hugged him and told him to be honest this time.
Toby ordered Chinese take out that night but Richie barely ate a thing. He sat on the sofa in his boxer shorts and a white T-shirt and gazed at the TV with a blank expression. He didn’t speak unless Toby asked him a direct question and he didn’t smile once. Toby tried to cheer him up with Christmas music on the radio but that didn’t work. The rest of the night he remained on the sofa, on his back staring up at the ceiling.
When it was time for bed, Toby told Richie to use the bedroom and said he’d sleep on the sofa. But Richie refused to get up. He said, “You’ve done enough for me. I’m fine here.” So Toby took a cover and a pillow off the bed and brought it into the living room. He had a feeling Richie didn’t even notice that he lifted Richie’s head, shoved the pillow beneath it, and covered him completely so he wouldn’t be cold.
On Christmas morning, it started to snow again. Toby heard Richie make a phone call in the living room. He spoke softly but Toby heard every word he said. He told someone he’d be away for a few days and not to expect him home for Christmas. Toby had a feeling Richie had called his family. He’d once mentioned he had a large family in The Bronx.
Though Richie hadn’t eaten much for dinner, he did have a few slices of toast for breakfast. Toby had to force him to eat; it looked as if he had trouble swallowing. After breakfast Toby said, “Why don’t you come to New Jersey with me today. I’m going to my family. They won’t mind one more person. I don’t want you to spend the day alone.” He’d never brought anyone home to meet his family before. He’d tell them it was a buddy from work who had nowhere to go.
Richie forced a smile. “Thanks. But I’d rather be alone. And I really don’t want to be a bother. You have a nice life and you don’t need trash like me ruining things. I’ll be gone before you get back tonight.”
Toby sent him a look. “You’re not trash.”
“That’s how I feel.”
When Toby thought about him spending Christmas Day all alone in this state of mind, he waited until Richie went into the bathroom to shower and he phoned his mother in New Jersey. Toby told her he had a bad cold and didn’t want anyone else to catch it. Then he said he’d see her on New Year’s Day. She told him to come out anyway, so he faked a bad cough and made his voice sound nasal. When she heard this, she ordered him back to bed and said she’d call later that day to see how he was feeling.
When Richie came out of the bathroom, he smelled soapy and damp. He was still wearing boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Toby smiled and said, “We’re going out to dinner tonight. If you don’t have anything to wear, I’m sure I have something in the closet.” He wanted to cheer him up; he couldn’t stand seeing him this depressed.
Richie looked at him and frowned. “I thought you were going to New Jersey.”
“I decided to cancel that,” Toby said. “I’d rather stay here instead.” He glanced at the window. “Besides, it’s snowing.”
“Please don’t make me feel even worse,” Richie said. “I just got dumped on Christmas Eve by a creep, and now I have to feel guilty about ruining your Christmas. I knew I should have left. I just keep ruining everything.”
Toby’s face felt warm and his heart started to race. He stood up and glared at Richie. He couldn’t control his real feelings any longer. “Give me some credit. And stop treating me like I’m just a dumb sucker who allows cheating trash like Brad Lindsay use my apartment to screw around behind his wife’s back. Did you ever stop to think that maybe Iwantto spend the day with you? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I want to take you out to dinner tonight? You know, I don’t do this with everyone. And frankly, if you had been one of the other losers Brad has been screwing around with you would have been out of here last night and I’d be getting dressed to leave for New Jersey.” He glanced at him, shrugged, and spread his arms. “But I’m still here.”
Richie stood in the bedroom doorway gaping at him.
Toby took a deep breath and forced his voice to go down. “I’m sorry. I know you’ve been through a lot. But so have I.” He turned and looked into Richie’s eyes. “It hasn’t been easy for me either. When I agreed to the arrangement with Brad, I didn’t think it would be a big thing. I thought once or twice a month, not almost every night of the week. And it killed me when I saw what he was doing to you.” He gestured to the Christmas tree in the window. “When I came home that night and I saw that Christmas tree in the window, I think I knew I was in love with you. And I also knew there was nothing I could do about it because you were so involved with Brad. I figured it wasn’t meant to be. I’m used to not expecting too much and I’m usually never disappointed.”
