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Richie’s eyes opened wider. He walked up to Toby and said, “I had no idea you felt this way.”
Toby felt a sting in his eyes. He didn’t want to cry in front of Richie so he turned his head and said, “I know you didn’t. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at everything right now because it’s all so unfair. All this sneaking around and trying to figure thesethingsout when they rarely make sense. But I could never get mad at you.”
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” His tone had softened.
Toby shrugged. “I figured it wouldn’t matter. You’re this great looking guy with those huge muscles and everyone’s always stopping to stare at you when you walk down the street. And here I am, this average, boring guy in a suit, with average looks, who makes am average living writing slogans for canned prunes.” He turned around and faced Richie. He spread his arms out and said, “I can’t compete with Brad Lindsay’s personality or his money.”
“I wish you’d said something,” Richie said.
“I wish I had, too,” said Toby. “But it’s not easy, especially when you’re not sure what you’re doing. Up until recently I didn’t even know men could feel this way about each other. I don’t know how to act or how to react in situations like this. I’m not even sure I should be telling you all this right now. All I know is that when you love someone the last thing you want to do is hurt them. I saw how happy you were with Brad. I couldn’t be the one to hurt you that way.” Toby wiped his eyes. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep the tears from spilling out.
Richie smiled at him. “Maybe we’re both just a couple of assholes.”
Toby sniffed back and laughed. “No. I just think we’re not sure about what to do, is all. There are no handbooks or rules for men like us. But I’m learning.”
“Come here,” Richie said. He grabbed Toby and held him in his arms very gently. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve been hiding a few feelings from you for a long time.”
Toby lifted his arms and wrapped them around Richie’s shoulders. It felt so good to be in his arms he could have remained there for the rest of the day. “You have feelings for me?”
He rubbed Toby’s back. “You sound surprised.”
Toby shrugged. “I am surprised.”
Richie held him tighter. “Why do you think I’ve been leaving flowers in here and on your desk at work? Think about it. And I left that Christmas tree because I wanted to do something really nice for you, something you’d always remember. You’re one of the sweetest, softest guys I’ve ever met. The angel on top of that tree has eyes that remind me of yours. But I thought you were too good for me and I didn’t have a shot in hell at being with a guy like you. I don’t have the best track record.”
Toby inhaled his scent and said, “You’re just saying that to make me feel better now that I’ve told you I love you. You don’t have to be kind.”
Richie’s hand went down and he grabbed Toby’s ass. “I’m not just saying it. I mean it.” He kissed the top of Toby’s head. “You have no idea how much I wanted you that night we slept together during that snowstorm. But you didn’t seem interested in me at all. It was total, brutal rejection. You turned sideways, ignored me completely, and pretended I wasn’t even there. I thought you were unapproachable and you wanted nothing to do with a big dumb maintenance guy from The Bronx.”
“I only turned away like that because I wanted you so much.” Toby said. His tone grew softer. “I was terrified of what might happen, especially if you rejected me and laughed in my face.” He felt something hard pressing into his groin.
Richie laughed, and then he slid his hand down the back of Toby’s pants. “You had good reason to be terrified that night.”
Toby closed his eyes and arched his back. “Why is that?”
He laughed. “I would have made love to you like no one ever has before. You would have been limping the next day.”
“Are you serious?” Toby asked. Everything that was happening seemed too good to be true. When you get used to expecting the worst, it’s hard to grasp the good things.
Richie squeezed his ass. “I guess I’ve been in love with you since that first night I saw you in the reception area. I didn’t think I mattered to you. Guys like you never seem to take guys like me very seriously. I’m not smart like you.”
Toby lowered his right arm and slid his hand down Richie’s boxer shorts. He grabbed his dick and said, “You feel good.” He stroked him gently and kissed his chest.
Richie pulled his hand out of Toby’s pants. He grabbed Toby’s face with both hands and kissed him so hard their teeth met. Toby closed his eyes and the room started to spin. The lights from the Christmas tree magnified one million times and flashed before Toby’s eyes. He’d never felt anything as wonderful as this and he didn’t want to stop.
But Richie stopped kissing and said, “Let’s go into the bedroom. We can talk later.”
Toby nodded yes without saying a word. He felt a surge of emotion pass through his body when he took a step back and Richie reached for his hand. Though touching Richie’s hand was a simple ordinary gesture, it was almost more than Toby could stand. There were dry calluses on Richie’s palms and his thick fingers made Toby feel warm and safe. He’d felt safe and warm before, but never quite this way. For the first time, Toby knew this would be more than crude sex with another man. There was a strong connection between them that went far deeper than friendship. As Richie led him to the bedroom, Toby glanced over his shoulder and smiled at the little Christmas tree in front of the window. It was as beautiful as what he was feeling in his heart now with Richie. He remembered the first time he’d seen the tree in the window. He never thought he’d own it. When Richie squeezed his hand tighter and pulled him toward the bed, he sighed and decided that maybe there was hope for people like them after all.
