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I still don’t know what happened to those little pieces, but I can use my imagination.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve thrown up in the last twelve hours.
Though I knew that Christian kills people and has to get rid of the bodies, it’s one thing to know it and another to see it.
I don’t know how to look at him the same way.
“Zoe, I know that this is hard to deal with, but you need to pull it together.” Camila reaches out to take my hand in hers. She holds it tight, her thumb rubbing circles into the back of it.
“How can you say that to me after I watched your brother cut someone he killed into pieces? He put me in a jumpsuit and made me stand right beside the table, Camila. How am I supposed to get over that?”
“You have to,” she says, her tone stern. “The cartel is a hard place to be a woman. You have to get over it because there really isn’t another choice. I know that this is hard. I cried for a week after I saw my first dead body. I’m still haunted by nightmares filled with the face of the man I had to kill.”
“You had to deal with that, and you’re still going to sit here and tell me to get over it?”
“It’s get over it or become food for the wicked little games powerful men will try to play.”
Camila lets go of my hand and leans back in her chair. “My brother is a good man when it comes down to it. Anyone with eyes can see that he cares about you. What he did last night was wrong, but he’s trying to prepare you. It’s better that you see the person this world has forced him to be in an environment he controls. He kept you from seeing the worst of him for as long as he could.”
I want to argue with her, but there is a part of me that knows she’s right.
This is a different world I’m living in. Letting the mutilation eat away at me day in and day out is only going to make life worse for me.
Other people are going to see weakness and exploit it. I saw it time and time again growing up.
“Don’t let anyone publicly see how much it bothers you.” Camila’s voice is soft as she pulls my blanket a little higher. “When you’re alone, feel as shitty about everything happening as you want, but you’re in this life now. When you walk out of this room today, this needs to be behind you. It has to be.”
“And if it’s not?” My voice cracks.
“Then do your best to pretend that it is. You are a strong woman. You saw what happened last night, and you were able to keep yourself from fully falling apart. You can do this, Zoe. Just focus on the person that you know Christian is outside of what he has to do for the cartel.”
“That seems impossible.”
She shrugs. “Do people judge you on your worst days? Or do they accept those days as horrible days and judge you for who you really are?”
Camila makes a good point, though I hate it.
I’m not sure I’ll be able to move forward, but I have to try.
There is no escaping from this life or the reality of who Christian has to be when he needs to.
I’ve seen both sides of him now. The protector and the monster.
He can turn the monster on, then turn it back off again. But which is the true Christian?
There is a knock at the door before Camila can say anything else.
My heart freezes in my chest.
For just a moment, I consider pretending that we’re not in here. I don’t know if I’m ready to face Christian after last night.
“Let him explain.” Camila stands up and squeezes my shoulder. “Everything is going to be fine. If you need to talk to somebody later, you can always talk to me. Ruben is good to talk to if you can’t find me, even if he can be an ass sometimes.”
I chuckle but it feels hollow—like I’m just going through the motions and trying to survive.
I have to talk to Christian, though. I need to understand who is the real him. I need to see that there is still a good side of him.
“Come in.” I pull my blanket tighter around my body.
