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“Anyway, mom, yeah, unfortunately Ruby was just leaving. Just heading out. Weren’t you, Ruby?” It feels weird using her actual name, but I’m too rattled to come up with an annoying nickname.
“I what?” Ruby stares at me. “I mean, I was? Uh, yeah, sure, I was.” She nods.
My mother gives me a puzzled look. “But I passed your driver Lemmy downstairs, and he said you two were going out on a date. And she’s dressed up for a date. And she just asked you if you were ready. Why are you trying to get rid of her just because I’m here?”
My mouth opens, and no words come out. I stare at Ruby, hoping for salvation, but she just stares back at me helplessly. I haven’t given her much to work with here.
My mother shakes her head slowly from side to side. “I get it now. I see what’s happening here.”
“You do?” My voice actually squeaks. It hasn’t done that since my voice changed when I was eleven.
My mother heaves a disappointed sigh, and my insides shrivel up. I hate disappointing my mother. I’d rather take a hockey puck directly to the face.
“We’re so sorry,” Ruby chokes out, looking mortified. She and I exchange horrified glances.
My mother knows I am a liar.
The jig is up. I wonder how much she’s guessed. I wonder if she’s known all along. Maybe she came to New York to see if her suspicions were correct, because she knows I’m a big fat lying faker.
My mother shrugs.
“How did you guess?” I demand.
“How did I guess that you want Ruby to leave without talking to me today because you don’t want me to know that the two of you are having S-E-X? Well, dear, despite my youthful appearance, I wasn’t born yesterday.” She pats her hair and gives me a reproving look. “It’s hardly a surprise. You two are crazy about each other, so I’m not surprised that you have decided to get started before marriage.”
My face instantly turns redder than a boiled lobster.
“Mom!” I choke out in protest.
“Dear, I’ve been around the block a few times.” She shakes her head at me. “I know that things aren’t like when your father and I were growing up. And you’re here in the big city. Relationships are different here. I get it. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. My goodness, I didn’t even know you could turn that red.” She’s looking at me with amusement. “Remember when I caught you with those girly magazines that you stole from your brother? You’re even redder now than you were then.”
“Excuse me, I’m going to go jump out the window. I’ll be back never,” I groan.
“We’re on the second floor,” Ruby points out helpfully. “You’d probably just suffer horrible injuries and have a lengthy stay in the hospital.”
Oh, now she finds her voice?
“How old was he when that magazine thing happened?” she asks my mother with interest.
“Do not answer that question, or I will formally renounce ties with the Saul family,” I say to my mother. “I will change my last name, and not go home for Christmas. I’m not bluffing. I have to go grab my cell phone from the bedroom. Ruby, you are not allowed to speak to my mother while I am out of the room.”
Ruby smiles with sweet sympathy. “Oh, sure, that’ll happen.”
Ruby and my mother are both smiling in delight.
This is bad. I am outnumbered by two of the toughest women I know. I race to get my cell phone, and they’re already laughing about something.
“You and your brother used to have peeing contests to see who could pee higher?” she says merrily. “And one time you got mad at Hayes and you peed on him and he went and told on you?”
“Argh! Mother! Enough!” I glare at the woman who gave birth to me, all nine pounds two ounces of me. She’s reminded me of that enough times. “We’re going out to lunch right now and it’s a real greasy spoon place, and aren’t you on that health kick these days?” I remind her. “How about if I call you right after lunch and we can go do whatever you want? I’ll take you shopping at Hudson’s; you love it there.”
“Oh, no, I love greasy spoons!” my mother says enthusiastically, heading out the door.
Cursing my life and wondering what terrible sin I must have committed, I follow her, and Ruby follows me.
I desperately try to send Ruby telepathic signals begging her to decide she feels sick and needs to go home immediately, but she’s apparently not in a mind-reading mood today.
Or maybe she’s mad because I picked a dress that makes her look like she got caught in a ruffle factory explosion.
