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“What’s the point? If she’s not going to forgive me anyway?”
“The point is to do something that’s hard for you because it’s meaningful to someone else. Expose your soft underbelly. That means a lot more than saying you’re sorry.”
“And if she still doesn’t forgive me? If she just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?”
“Then she doesn’t. But at least you tried. And you learned something in the process. You pick yourself up, make some new friends, and don’t repeat the same mistakes.”
“You say that like it’s easy.”
“I know it’s not easy, but you’re tough. You can handle it.”
“But Mom—”
“Mom will be fine. Don’t use Mom’s issues as an excuse to ignore your own. You fix your shit and let Mom fix hers. I know you like to swoop in and solve other people’s problems, but she’ll never learn to stand on her own two feet if we keep picking her up every time she falls down.”
It was almost the exact same advice their dad had given her. Esther considered telling Eric that, but decided against it. He’d long ago reconciled himself to their father’s limitations as a parent and didn’t need her upsetting the balance.
“I’m going to bed,” Eric said. “Don’t make any stupid decisions while I’m asleep.”
“Fine,” Esther muttered.
“Goodnight.”
“Hey,” she said before he could hang up.
“What?”
“Thanks.”
“It’s gonna be okay, Es. You’ll see.”
She wasn’t convinced, but it was nice to hear someone say it anyway.
After she got off the phone, Esther lay in bed petting Sally and thinking about the things Eric had said. How she kept people at a distance. What had he said? She was allergic to emotions.
He wasn’t wrong. Their family had never been particularly demonstrative or affectionate with one another—with the exception of their mother. But Esther had learned at an early age that her mother’s affections had an ulterior motive. She only deployed them when she wanted something. They were a means to an end. She flattered and charmed people to manipulate them. Unless she needed something from you, it never occurred to her to pay a compliment.
Was it Esther’s fault, then, that she was distrustful of open displays of affection? Afraid of expressing her feelings? Closed off and frigid? Jesus, she really was broken inside. She probably needed therapy, but the thought of it made her want to die. Opening up to a stranger, talking about all her innermost feelings and deep-seated fears. She’d rather peel off her own skin.
She remembered what Eric had said about making herself vulnerable. Showing you care by doing something for someone else that’s hard for you.
Jinny was her best friend, and the idea of telling her how much she cared about her made Esther feel itchy all over, like she was breaking out in hives. How fucked up was that?
The fact that it was so terrifying probably meant she should do it. That Eric was right. She needed to tell Jinny how important she was to her. Maybe Jinny still wouldn’t forgive her, but she owed her that much at least. She had to fight for her.
But how? Walk up to her at work and blurt it all out? Take a big feelings dump in her lap, right there in the middle of the office? Seemed like a terrible idea.
How were they supposed to talk when Jinny still wasn’t taking her calls? She could show up at her apartment unannounced, she supposed. But what if Jinny shut the door in her face?
Esther thought about Jonathan’s screenplay. How he’d left it on her doorstep. And how it had made her feel to read all those words he’d written for her—about her. No one had ever done anything like that for her before.
Esther couldn’t write a screenplay, but she could write Jinny a letter. An actual, physical letter on a piece of paper. An email, Jinny might delete without reading. But if Esther sent a real letter through the mail, Jinny would almost certainly read it—out of curiosity, if nothing else.
That was what she was going to do. She was going to write a letter.
Now she just needed to figure out what to say.
Esther moved Sally off her chest and curled up on her side, turning over phrases and sentiments in her mind. She was still composing in her head when she finally drifted off to sleep an hour later.
