AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I take the seat next to my father in the front row, and the service begins.
I find it difficult to shake the thought of Maddie being there somewhere, watching everyone with bemusement as the event proceeds. She didn’t have many close friends, but she knew a lot of people through her job, and they’ve all come to pay their respects. The crowd is a black sea, made darker by the ominous clouds in the sky. Maybe she’d have preferred it if we all wore bright colors, but she made no stipulation in her will, so nearly everyone is in black.
I know that nowadays you’re supposed to concentrate on celebrating the person’s life, but all I can think is that she’s gone, and I’ve lost her. That doesn’t seem like something to celebrate to me. The world has gone from color to black and white, and everything is monochrome. It makes me think of how beautiful Leia looked in her red dress. Is that why Aroha put her in it? A symbol of life among the sadness of the day—a phoenix rising from the flames?
It surprises me how much I miss them both, and I spend most of the ceremony trying not to look at my father sobbing quietly next to me, staring instead out of the window, thinking of the softness of Aroha’s lips beneath my own.
After the service, we go out to look at the flowers. People stand in small groups, talking quietly, or bending to read the cards on the bouquets and wreaths. Some of the women are crying.
Blue comes up to where I’m standing talking to Saxon and his wife, Catie. They’ve left their twins with a friend, and I’ve just been telling them about Leia.
“Blue,” I say to him stiffly.
“Not going to invite me back to the house?” he asks.
I don’t bother to answer. We both know that’s not going to happen. “Thank you for coming.”
He shrugs. “I did my duty.” His lips curve up a little, and then he walks off, over to an Uber, and gets in.
I stare at the car as it drives away, his words sinking into my brain. I did my duty. He came here because his lawyer told him to. It was part of the play he’s putting on for the courts. He’s putting his case together, playing the role of mourning lover and doting father.
Fucking bastard.
“James,” Saxon says cautiously. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I walk away, a bitter taste in my mouth.
I know I’m supposed to talk to all the guests and play the host, but I stand to one side looking out across the cemetery, feeling hollow inside. My grief is a rock in my stomach, heavy and hard. I’m conscious of some of my friends standing talking to my father, who’s still emotional—Juliette is touching his arm, a gesture of understanding for the dad who’s lost his daughter. I know he’s not putting it on, but it galls me, nonetheless.
“Hey.” It’s Tyson, with Gaby. He’s wearing a black suit, and she’s wearing a pretty black dress and sandals. She’s carrying a bright pink umbrella that looks incongruous against all the dark outfits. “You’re getting wet,” Tyson says, moving the umbrella to cover me.
It has started raining heavily, and I hadn’t even noticed. I shiver, and Gaby slides her arm around my waist and gives me a hug. “You need a drink,” she teases. “Double whisky when you get home.”
“Maybe.” I blow out a breath.
“He’s had a migraine,” Tyson tells her. “Alcohol might not be the best thing right now.”
“A neck massage, then,” Gaby suggests. “We’ll see if we can find someone who might be interested in the job.”
I open my mouth to reply, but some of Maddie’s colleagues come up to talk to me, and I don’t get the chance.
When we’re done, Henry suggests it might be time to start heading back to the house. I agree, and I travel with my father and Arabella in the car, which soon joins the traffic.
“That was a lovely service,” Dad says. “She’d have liked it.”
I don’t reply. He has no idea what she would have liked. He didn’t know Maddie at all.
We don’t talk for the rest of the journey.
When we arrive back at the house, I get out of the car and, instead of going in the front entrance like everyone else, I stride out, heading around the house, and go through the unlocked sliding doors into my bedroom.
I rip off my jacket and toss it aside, take off my tie, then flop onto my back on the bed. I want to take off my shoes and socks, but my house is full of people, and I need to stay presentable. I hate that. My stomach feels as if it’s bubbling with acid, and my chest hurts. I cover my face, burning with resentment and anger.
I don’t want to go out there and talk to a bunch of strangers, or even to my friends, and make polite conversation. I don’t want one more person to tell me they’re sorry that Maddie’s dead, and isn’t it a terrible shame, and she was far too young, and oh well at least God has another angel now.
Fuck God. Fuck Blue. And fuck my father. Tears prick my eyes, and I nearly dislocate my jaw as I grind my teeth, refusing to let the tears fall.
There’s a soft knock at the door. I freeze, not wanting to see anyone.
