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My pride disappeared, my anger evaporated, and I crawled on hands and knees toward the only father I had ever known. I reached up to grab his jean-clad leg, as little Raven had done thousands of times before, begging, pleading for him to choose me, forgive me . My hand... passed right through him. I froze, but ghost Jeremy kept talking.
“You’re a disgrace. You read all of those silly books, you’re too old to be reading that crap. It’s embarrassing. Your mother and I are embarrassed by you.” I froze, clenching and unclenching my fist, watching my fingers pass in and out of the apparition.
My gaze snapped to Maria, and she was smiling. She was doing this. This wasn’t Jeremy, it was an illusion.
“You bitch,” I snarled, and lunged for her, but I hit an invisible wall. I bounced off of it and slammed into the concrete floor, the wind exploding from my lungs. Maria’s laughter echoed around me.
“We couldn’t have people over. No, no, no. You scared all of them away. We used to have friends before we adopted you. Now none of them want anything to do with us. ‘Who is that creepy girl? Why would you adopt that, of all things ?’ This is the sacrifice we made for an abomination like you.”
I knew now why Maria had stood there for so long. She had been delving deep into my mind, finding my worst fears, so she could play them back to me through the mouths of people I loved.
Knowing that it wasn’t real didn’t make it any easier. Maria made eye contact with me and smiled and then, the concrete door to my cell opened again.
49
Conrad was next. He sauntered in with his cool and breezy attitude. He confirmed within minutes that he barely tolerated me as a friend. He put up with me because I was his ward, his mission. I was nothing more than a project for him.
Meredith followed, then Mr. Abbey, but the worst of all was Clair.
“You’re not real.” I croaked. My voice sounded broken even to me. I had lost track of how many minutes, hours, days, my loved ones had been telling me how worthless I was before Maria finally brought out Clair.
“Oh, but I am real Raven. Everything you’ve ever done to me has been real.” She said, standing before me in her usual scrubs and ugly rubber hospital shoes.
“All I ever wanted was a daughter to go shopping with. Someone who I could enjoy the occasional latte with and gossip about boys. Instead, I got whatever you are.” I sat there, staring at the apparition of my mother, and I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my face.
“What did I do to deserve you, Raven? All I ever did was try to love you.” I knew it wasn’t real, but my heart was breaking. I had been enduring this for so long. They hadn’t fed me. I was losing my grip on reality, and my mother was telling me she never loved me.
“How do you repay me? With violence, anger, constant fighting.”
I was breaking. I knew that was what the Nightshades wanted. The last shred of the real me was hanging on by a stubborn thread. I wouldn’t give in. I wouldn’t break. But when Clair looked at me and told me that she wished she had adopted someone else, anyone else, I could barely hold on.
“Mom, all I ever wanted was to be someone you could be proud of.” I whispered softly. Not to the apparition, but to the real Clair, wherever she was.
The apparition sneered at me, twisting my mother’s face in a way I had never thought possible.
“Who would ever be proud of you? You’re a monster.” It said. And I felt my face crumble with emotion, despite myself.
I had started to dread the sound of the door opening. A sound that should have instilled rebellion, salvation, or even just a mere lust for sunlight. However, the Nightshades had been successful. When the door opened again, and Marcus stood before me, I was not disappointed. I was almost relieved that it was not another person I cared about that had come to tell me I was someone they wished they had never met.
50
There was no fight left in me, while Marcus dragged me out of my cell and strapped me to a heavy wooden gurney. The block on my aura was more and more suffocating every day. There was no point in struggling anymore. They would win the physical battle. My only hope now was my mind. If they broke that, I wouldn’t be much use to anyone.
I watched as Marcus bound my limbs and Kieran materialized in this new unfamiliar chamber. Torches burned in iron brackets, and I tried not to laugh as my half-crazed mind tried to make sense of the byzantine interior design.
“So, you have proven to be as tough as everyone has formerly implied. Unfortunately for you, we must now turn to more medieval practices, if you insist on remaining so stubborn. I thought you would have consented by now.” Kieran said as Marcus tightened the restraints. Despite my weakened state, my heart was beginning to pound against my chest. Being tied down was bringing back memories of the widowmaker. This time though, the triquetra had a chokehold on my powers. There was no escaping.
“I thought you said I wouldn’t have an opportunity to revoke my choice once it had been made.” I replied dryly, my vision blurring with repressed hysteria. Kieran smirked.
“That doesn’t mean we don’t want to hear you beg, my dear.” He said before he disappeared. Marcus stood next to me and held his hands, palms down over my stomach.
“Let’s see what’s inside.” He murmured. I looked into his eyes. I imagined he could slit my throat with that same serene expression on his face. I suddenly regretted not fighting harder to get out of the restraints.
“Marcus. Please. Don’t do this.” I begged. No response. I tried a different tactic; “I owe a life debt to Amon, I’m sure we can work something out.” I was grasping at straws. I didn’t even know if a life debt would give me any sway with Amon. I remembered his voice, the tang of worry when I asked him to come get me. “If you get me out of these wards, I can contact him. I’m sure he would pay you anything you want.”
“What I want, is to see your insides.” Marcus said, that razer point focus still on his hands, held just a few inches above me. Before I could interrupt again, he said: “Open.” All my protests died on my tongue.
The pain started out soft, almost nice. I had been so cold for so long, that when my bones began to heat under the magick of his hands, it was the most comfortable I had felt since I had come to this godforsaken place.
