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“This wasn’t. This was cruel.”
He reached out for her; she stepped back. “Babe, I really missed you. I know you said you’re still mad, but after everything that happened yesterday? I can’t just let you walk away. What do I need to do to get you back?”
She stared at him. “You never had me.”
“That’s not true.” He grinned. “We were really good together. It was wild, Kara. I want you. I haven’t been with anyone since that night with you, before the raid. There’s no one else for me. It took me a long time to realize it, but it’s you.”
“It’s not me, Colton.” Had he said that eight months ago, would she have had a different answer?
She didn’t know. But she knew the right answer now.
“It’s that fed, isn’t it? You’re sleeping with him.”
The way he said it was cruel. Not the words, but the tone. She didn’t want to talk to Colton about Matt, as if somehow that would taint what she had with him.
She didn’t always know what she had with Matt, but the one thing she knew—the one thing she was grateful for—Matt Costa was nothing like Colton Fox.
“Goodbye,” she said and left.
Kara listened to Elena offer a promotion, a raise and the choice of any precinct she wanted.
“You’ve always been one of my best people, Kara. Even though you drove me up a wall sometimes, you are a great cop. I’m proud of you.”
Last year, those words would have made Kara happy. All she had wanted was to make Elena and Lex proud of her. To be the best cop she could be and have the people she cared about most recognize her skill.
Now she saw what she had done to herself: she’d put her superiors in a parenting role. She had wanted to please them because she could never please her own mother and father. She never was the kid her parents wanted her to be. They had trained her to be a con artist, just like them. They didn’t understand that she wasn’t like them, that she couldn’t be like them.
But to have the respect of people she respected had been her goal—a driving need.
She didn’t need their respect anymore. She didn’t need anything from them—because they were diminished in her eyes. That might not be fair, but she didn’t care. They had lied to her, manipulated her, hurt her. That it was for the mission, for the greater good, that it was “just part of the job” made no difference.
Lex and Elena exchanged glances because she was quiet. She wasn’t angry, and they didn’t expect that; she was certain. She had always been one to speak her mind and when things were fucked, she was the first to point it out.
“I’ve read all the reports from Tony Greer,” Lex said, clearing his throat. “You served us well with the FBI, and apparently have a knack for solving homicides. Major Crimes would love to have you. West Bureau, Pacific District? It’s a choice assignment, close to your condo. Major Crimes is run by Detective Sergeant Leon Jackson. He’s a good guy, real good guy, you’ll like him.”
“No,” she said.
“Just name what you want. Anywhere.”
“I want to go back seven months to when we sat here, Lex, and you told me Colton was killed. I want you to say, ‘Colton was shot, but he’s going to be okay. Everyone else is going to think he’s dead, because he’s going deep cover to nail everyone who helped Chen get away with keeping three hundred women in servitude. We have to do it this way because there’s a cop involved and there may be a dirty politician.’”
“I know—” he began, but Kara cut him off.
“I cried for Colton. I blamed myself for his death because of my feud with Thornton. I was positive Thornton outed him because of me and I got him killed. Now we know it was probably not Thornton but another fed. I physically hurt. I can’t even put words to the pain I felt. I don’t trust you. I don’t trust either of you,” she repeated, looking from Lex to Elena. “You lied to me, betrayed my trust. I will never work for either of you.”
“Kara, we fucked up,” Elena said, “but there were legitimate reasons for us making the decisions that we did. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, and I understand you won’t work here anymore. That’s why I’m giving you these options.”
They would never understand. Hell, Kara didn’t even understand these overwhelming emotions running through her so hot that she thought she’d explode. She pulled her badge from her pocket and threw it at Elena. Surprised, Elena caught it.
“You don’t want to quit.”
“If you think that, you have never known me.”
She walked out.
43
Matt and Brian were heading to Rebecca Chavez’s house in the West Valley when Sloane called. “I’m conferencing in Ryder Kim. We found something you need to know.”
