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Doug shook his head, interrupting. “No. Don’t take it back. What you said is correct, and I know it. Will would have my ass if I hadn’t workedthatone out during all our sessions. Familyshouldbe love. And before Lotus fucked it all to hell, I knew it was the case. I had that from my father in spades. And once I opened up during my sessions with Will, I realized I’d been getting it from my aunt and uncle, too, from the moment I was placed back with them.”
“As well as from Dieter,” Pixie reminded him. She recalled how fondly he talked about his cousin.
“True,” Doug agreed. “He’s as close to a brother as I could get. Then there’s Cisco, and lately, Kyle,” he added. “My best friends are also pretty damned special and make no bones about loving my sorry ass. And since I know that kind of regard isn’t intrinsic to all friendships, I’m more than grateful. It’s something one has to earn, and somehow I managed.”
“Yes, you have,” Pixie told him with sincerity. “And I’d like nothing better than to be admitted to that club. Let me love you, too, like a close friend,” she was quick to add. She didn’t think now was the time to confess she loved him as…more.
Doug shook his head and her heart fell.Well, damn.Maybe she’d overstepped.
Pixie formed words to give him an out. If her presence in his life made him too uncomfortable—
“You can get that look right off your face,” he told her astutely. “You, Ms. Spires, are in a league all your own.” Doug stopped her thoughts dead in their tracks with his clarification. “My regard for you, Pixie, is…different. It’s more than what I feel for them. And with where my head’s been at, I need to know if it can eventually mean something. I need to know if I’m capable of maintaining a relationship that’s… God. I don’t know if I can even say the word…” he gruffed with an edge of humor she appreciated. “…romantic.”
Pixie was surprised, and so touched that tears came to her eyes. She tried to slow her pulse before leaning forward to fix her watery gaze to his, responding with all the sincerity she could muster.
“I’d love to be that person, Doug. The one who gives you the opportunity to fix the past. I’d be more than honored to help you reconnect to your romantic soul. Hell, I’d be one hundred percent in. But no pressure, you understand?” After that breathless confession, her schoolmarm voice returned. She couldn’t help it. “If at any time you decide you can’t allow me tobe that person, if I don’t meet your expectations, or you change your mind, you’ll let me know so I can back off.” Now for even more honesty. “But I’ll tell you right now, even though I’ll give you up in a heartbeat if that’s what you want, a rejection from you will hurt. I’ve grown a little…attached to you, already. For your peace of mind, I’ll add that I’m willing to work within whatever parameters you set.”
Doug looked uncertain, then thoughtful. She gave him time. When he went deep, it meant he was working through how to tell her something that was important; meaningful.
“Will and I had a talk about this,” he broached after a several minute silence.
“About…?” Pixie wasn’t going to push.
“About you, and the fact that I’m no longer able to hide some of the, uh, normal kind of things I’m feeling.”
Pixie did an internal high-five, but outwardly tempered her exuberance to send him another question. “And what did Will think?”
Doug snorted. “He doesn’t pull punches. He thinks I’ve been hiding in my past for far too long, and suggested I might finally pull my head out of my ass. He had a thought…”
Pixie didn’t blink.
“He suggested a form of therapy that is known to work wonders with PTSD. Which, by the way, he says I’m suffering from where women are concerned.”
Pixie’s brows drew together. “He’s the professional,” she agreed. “I guess it sounds about right. But why…?” She got a little hot under the collar. “Dammit, Doug. If he’s known about this particular therapy for a while, why hasn’t he already tried it with you?”
“Because it’s pretty radical, even in the clinical realm, and a potential subject has to admit certain problems beforeundergoing the procedure. And…to tell you the truth, I hadn’t quite done that yet. In other words, I wasn’t ready.”
Pixie was beyond curious. “Now you have to tell me.” She screwed up her face. “In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like to be kept in the dark. That’s something left over frommytrauma days. So spill it.”
Doug didn’t call her out for being nosy, nor did he hesitate. “He wants me to try mushrooms.”
What?
“Excuse me?” Pixie didn’t think she’d heard Doug correctly.
“Mushrooms. Psilocybin.”
“That’s a thing?” she asked, her voice squeaking. Pixie wasn’t naïve. She’d gone to college and seen all kinds of drugs, but she’d never heard of mushrooms being used for therapeutic purposes.
Doug chuckled. “It is. Apparently, it was discovered in the 1930’s, developed in the 1950’s, then used experimentally in the 1960’s with inmates to reduce recidivism in the prison population. When that proved more effective than scientists had thought possible, Harvard initiated their own study, this time with almost two-hundred volunteers. They targeted problems ranging from long-term trauma to depression, and their results were quite an eye-opener.”
“As in, it was good?” Pixie asked.
“Uh, huh,” Doug confirmed. “Spectacular. But then, as in a lot of things the government doesn’t quite understand but sticks its nose into, the powers that be shut it all down for clearly political reasons. It seems that big pharma in particular—who has a lot of political clout—wasn’t interested in havingtheirdrugs usurped by something people could procure without going through them.”
“That sounds about right,” Pixie huffed. But she wouldn’t expound on that. There was clearly more story for Doug to tell.
“It wasn’t until the1990’s when Germany started researching the genre again, that curiosity slowly started creeping back into our scientific communities, and now, it’s actually a fairly widely used tool in trained therapists’ kits.”
