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“Yeah.” I smile back at her. I would literally do anything for you, Mads. I think to myself.
While we wait for our pizza to arrive, we continue talking about our favorite shows. She asks about my favorite sports teams, and I remind her that I’m a Mets fan. She looks shocked at that, since most people around this area are Yankees fans.
“I just had to be different,” I joke. “And I like to root for the underdog.”
The doorbell eventually rings and she jumps up before me, walking to the door to answer it. She brings the pizza box back to the couch and puts it between us. After grabbing drinks and napkins, we eat it directly out of the box while we watch one of our favorite shows. She laughs often, and I try not to make it obvious that I am watching her more than the TV. When we finish, we clean up before heading upstairs together.
We reach the top of the stairs and she turns to me slowly. “Is it okay…if I still stay in the guestroom?” She asks timidly.
My heart drops a little but I’m not lying when I say, “Of course, Mads.” I smile and watch her smile in return. “Goodnight.” I say and turn to go into our room. She reaches out and grabs my arm and I turn back toward her.
We hold eye contact for several thumping heart beats. “Thank you…for…everything,” She says quietly.
“Of course…I…I’m sorry, for tonight, again.” She shakes her head to dismiss my words. She moves her hand down my arm to hold my hand.
“Thank you,” She says again. She smiles and lets me go, and turns around to walk into our guest room.
I stare at her closed door for a moment before going into our master bedroom. I strip down to my boxers and then climb into bed. It takes a while to fall asleep. My heart is racing and my head is spinning. I try to make sense of the past twelve hours. How did everything go from great…to awful…to…good?
The more I think about it, the more I decide it is us trying to find a rhythm again. The rhythm we find might be different from what worked for us in the past. I am okay with that. I am okay with whatever it takes for Mads to love me again…to commit to our marriage again.
Maybe our fight was exactly what she had said, a way to get out the anger and tension we’ve both been holding on to. Without completely realizing it, we both began to harbor ill feelings towards each other. I hated to admit that to myself. I hated myself for the way I lost my temper with her. I have never lost my temper with her before. But after getting all of that out, it feels like we knocked down the wall that had been building between us. I felt hope when she hugged me today in her old apartment. But right now, I feel even more hope. Real hope. An opportunity. I feel like we might still have a real chance…
“Elliot! Come here, you stupid boy.” I cower in the corner of my bedroom, trying to crawl under my bed but he grabs my leg and pulls me out.
“This is what happens when you get in fights at school,” My father says as he flips me on my back and slaps me across my face. My mother cries behind him, begging him to stop. He turns to her and backhands her so hard she falls to the floor.
“I’m surrounded by morons…ungrateful idiots!” He yells. He curses at us and stomps away and out of the house.
My mother stands up shakily, clutching her swollen and red face. “Your father loves you. He’s just mad,” She cries in between shaky breaths. “You can't make him angry like that, Elliot. You know what happens when he is angry.” She walks out of the room, and I know she is going to go drink.
I cry and cry. I hold my own stinging face. I cry myself to sleep without getting up to get in bed. I fall asleep wishing the pain would go away…all of the pain…just go away…
“Elliot!”
“Elliot!”
“Elliot! Wake up, please!” I jolt awake. I am sweating, confused. I look around the dark room and then focus on a dark silhouette hovering over me.
“Mads?” I ask groggily.
“Yes…are you okay?” She whispers, she sounds scared.
A nightmare. A stupid nightmare. Damnit. “I’m fine…it was…a nightmare,” I explain, embarrassed. I push myself to sit up, and she leans back, sitting on her legs.
“You were yelling…I was up using the bathroom and I heard you…I wasn’t sure if I should wake you…but you were yelling and it…it scared me…” She says softly.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t usually yell…I forgot to take my sleeping pills tonight…I’m sorry, Mads. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath.
“It’s okay…I’m sorry you had a nightmare…” She says nervously. “Do you get them often?”
“I used to,” I say tightly. I don’t want her to know that I never have a single nightmare when she is in bed next to me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks quietly.
“Not really…just bad memories,” I answer. She nods and gets up off of the bed.
“Can I do anything for you?” She asks.
