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Thea was all that I could think about. I didn’t want her to think that I disappeared on her but my phone broke when the blast knocked me down. Which made the time waiting even more miserable because all I wanted was to hear her voice.
Hell, I was desperate enough that I almost called Nathan and asked for Thea’s number, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’ve been alone my entire life and a few more days wasn’t going to kill me.
By the time I got a replacement phone and drove back to New Hope on Tuesday afternoon, I was a madman. I’d barely slept in days and my head hurt. I was enraged at the slow drivers that were keeping me from getting to her faster.
Walking into the library and seeing her sweet face eased my tension instantly. I felt the first wave of relief that I’ve had since Sunday. The warmth that her presence radiates brings me a sense of peace that I only experience around her.
Unfortunately, all of my pent-up stress and exhaustion came back like a tsunami as soon as I walked away and into the veteran’s meeting.
The pulsing in my brain is amplifying all the chatter around me and begging me to shut my eyes to tune it all out, but I can’t. Not here. Here, I’m working. I’m Jay.
Another scrape of a chair being dragged across the laminate floor solidifies my decision. Fuck it. I can’t do this. I’m out of my chair just as Curtis comes in through the side door, ruining my chance for a clean break.
“Damn, Jay. What happened to your face?” Curtis asks, examining me like it’s the worst injury he’s ever seen.
“Ah, nothing. I caught a junkie trying to break into my truck. He got a cheap shot on me. It’s nothin’, really, but my head’s killing me. I’m going to skip this one,” I explain, waving toward the room. “I need to sleep it off.” I desperately need sleep.
“No worries. I’ll catch you later.” Curtis nods as I make my way back towards the main part of the library.
There is only one thing that I want and she sees me coming right away, tracking me worriedly as I make my way toward her. The concern is etched across her face.
“I need to get out of here. Do you want…” I start to ask if she can leave with me, but she beats me to it, grabbing her keys.
“Let’s go.” With a wave to Latisha across the room, we’re out of the doors.
I must look worse than I thought because as soon as we get into the parking lot she’s ushering me to her car. Fine by me, I don’t want to drive my truck again anytime soon. There are blood stains all over the inside that need to be cleaned.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I could have lost my fucking eye when that bomb exploded and it was only one. They had enough product to make hundreds.
I’m helpless being undercover. At least during my old Special Ops missions we went and kicked doors down and got shit done. I feel pretty fucking useless standing by watching the bad guys make life-threatening devices.
They told me to keep a low profile and to collect intel, but I feel like I’m waiting around for innocent people to be seriously hurt, or killed. Even though I’m in the field, I’m not doing anything active. They aren’t giving me the go-ahead to stop anything or to shut anything down.
I hate feeling helpless. Sitting by while life runs you over. I watched my dad beat my mom daily, never being big or strong enough to stop it. I sat in group homes and foster homes, never being picked to start a new life with a new family. Being kicked and beaten by kids who were older than me.
Being moved around and through so many homes that no school could keep my credits straight, forcing me to miss out on graduation. Being homeless and having nowhere to live once I turned 18.
“Thea. I need you to tell me something,” I plead desperately, the weight of the memories is suffocating me.
“Like, what?” She asks as she navigates us toward her house.
“I don’t know. Anything to distract me from all the shit in my head.” I close my eyes, leaning my head back against the headrest, cringing as a bass drum beats against my skull.
There’s a breath of silence before she blurts out. “I haven’t had sex in six years.”
My eyes pop open when I comprehend what she just said. Six years without sex? She can’t be touched. Has she been deprived of all affection for that long?
At my silence, she continues. “I started telling guys that I was celibate so they would leave me alone because I couldn’t stand for them to come near me. All these years I couldn’t even imagine having sex with a man. Until you.”
My jaw goes slack.
Until me, she imagines having sex, with me. All the blood roaring through my head suddenly heads south, causing a sudden discomfort in my jeans. “Well. I’m definitely distracted now.”
She laughs, drawing my attention to her cheeks. I watch the blush creep into her coloring and it brings me so much satisfaction. The pride in my chest grows every time she gifts me with her vulnerable side and I feel like the luckiest bastard on the planet.
“What do you think about?” I need more than anything to hear her deepest desires. I think I need it more than air at this very moment.
“Everything. There hasn’t been a day since I met you that I haven’t imagined all the ways that I wish you could touch me.”
