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Before I register it, she’s jumping out of her car while I’m absorbing what she just said. My sweet, radiant Thea has been fantasizing about all the ways she wants me. Holy fuck.
I need details. I want every thought that’s gone through her mind.
With a newfound energy, I fly into the house after her, finding her in the kitchen. Without really thinking it through, I cage her in where she stands against the sink.
“Jesse,” she pleads, the fear straining her voice. I don’t touch her. I wouldn’t dare force that on her, but I make her look at me, catching her eyes with mine and holding them hostage.
“Tell me what I need to do. Tell me what it takes and I’ll do it. I want to touch you so fucking bad, baby.”
She whimpers at my words and I have to grip the counter to keep from touching her, making my knuckles painfully white. All I can do is breathe in the air around her, desperately wanting to be as close to her as I can.
“I don’t know what it takes. I’m broken. I’ve tried coping mechanisms and therapy. All my mental barriers have been worked through, but my body can’t get past my trauma. I have panic attacks every time I’m touched,” she whispers, only a few breaths away from my lips. Her words cool me down, my heart breaking for her.
“Do you want me?” I catch myself staring at her lips, waiting for her response.
“Yes, but…” She bites her bottom lip. That perfect, full, pink lip that I want to run my tongue across.
“No. No, buts. Nothing else matters. Tell me if you want this, if what’s between us is as real for you as it is for me.” Please, please…
“It’s real.”
My eyes squeeze shut at her admission. “Then that’s all that matters to me. I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Thea
Contrary to what he just said, I watch aptly as Jesse pulls away and strides out of the kitchen, giving me room to breathe. Oh my God. What just happened?
I don’t know why I decided to spill my secrets about my voided sex life to him in the car, but it seemed to have made him feel better, so I don’t regret it.
It set off a catalyst. The way he boxed me in against the kitchen sink was terrifying but intoxicating. He was so close that I could feel his body heat. I wanted him to touch me just as badly as I was afraid that he would.
It’s all overwhelming and confusing, but what’s not is my attraction to him. He’s all man. Tall, broad shoulders, and thick arms. I want so badly to feel how firm every muscle is, but how soft his lips are at the same time. I want to know how well our bodies fit together.
Maybe it’s all in my head and we won’t be compatible, but I do know he wants me. He knows about my issues and he still wants me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, warding off the tears that are trying to escape. I can’t believe this is real life. The joy oozing out of every pore right now seems like a dream. He said he’d do whatever it takes and I believe him. For the first time since that night six years ago, I feel safe enough with someone to try because I know he would never hurt me.
I’m a grown woman now. I’m in my own home. I have control here. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. This is my life and no one can take this from me.
With my newfound enthusiasm, I make my way to him in my living room, but not before pouring us both a glass of wine. In the spirit of putting myself out there, I want to show him how much I trust him.
When I sit the glass of sparkling white down in front of him on the coffee table, I see the recognition in his eyes. I only drink when I feel safe and I know I’m safe with him. Now he knows it too.
“Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?” I ask, wanting to be a safe place for him like he’s been for me.
He sips on his wine before giving me a glimpse of his past few days, leaving out all the details that might tell me anything about his operation.
“I was laying on a shitty hospital bed for hours and all I wanted to do was call you. I even thought about searching for the library’s number and leaving a message with whoever answered, but I didn’t want to do that to you. I knew you’d worry about me, so I gritted my teeth and got through it.
“Then I went into that meeting today and couldn’t think straight. Every sound was like a knife in my brain.” He exhales slowly, blowing the air out through his mouth. “Being around you calms the noise.”
“Being around you has been good for me too,” I admit. “Next time, please call me. No matter what. If you want me there, I’ll be there.”
He leans his head back against the couch, smiling softly. “Okay, Sunshine. I will.”
“Why do you call me that?” I ask, hoping this evening’s open conversation will keep flowing. He stares at me for a moment, contemplating while I curl further into my favorite chair.
