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“I’m sure your mom thought so,” I say before I can catch myself, immediately regretting bringing up something like that. The stupid wine made my brain fuzzy.
“Maybe…” he whispers, staring at his hands.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jesse
When I woke up, I forgot where I was for a second, who I was. I couldn’t remember if I was supposed to be Jesse or Jay. Then I looked over and saw her. Camped out in her chair with a book, her knees thrown over one of the arms, hair freshly braided and trailing down her side. All I felt was relief.
Being with Thea in her home feels like a sanctuary away from the fucked up things happening outside. Here, I’m just Jesse.
When she mentions my mom, I’m compelled to open up about my past. She’s the first person that I’ve ever had the desire to talk to about my mom. Especially when there’s an ache in my chest from memories wanting to be shared. I want her to know that part of my life. Every part.
“My mom was beautiful.” I watch how her eyes soften at my use of the past tense. “She was a good mom. Loved me.” I smile to myself remembering the good times with her. “But, she couldn’t get away from my dad. He was a mean man and a drunk. He’d beat us, but mostly her. She died when I was seven.”
“Oh, Jesse. I’m so sorry.” She clutches the now-closed book to her chest.
“My dad… He killed her.” She gasps, but I continue. “I was supposed to be at a neighbor’s house when it happened, but I was in my room and heard everything. I was terrified.
“He tried to tell the cops that someone broke in, but they ended up coming to arrest him the night after her funeral. He shot himself before they could get the cuffs on. I heard that too.” I down the rest of the wine from the glass she had given me, but it’s not nearly enough to dull the ache.
“I can’t even imagine…” She trails off, not needing to say anything. Words won’t fix the pain I’ve experienced, but telling her feels cathartic nonetheless. Now that I’ve started, I don’t want to stop.
“I think my mom saved me. I didn’t know I was supposed to be at the neighbor’s until I heard her tell my dad that through the wall. I think she only said it to keep him from coming after me too,” I admit, not connecting the dots myself until I was much older.
“How could he be so evil?” Tears well up in her eyes and all I want to do is wipe them away before they have a chance to fall, but I clasp my hands together instead.
“I don’t know. After him, and all the terrible people that I encountered in the group homes and foster homes, I got used to seeing the bad in people. No matter what happened to me though, I could never imagine hurting my wife and child. Never.”
“You’re a good man, Jesse. I’ve never doubted that. I can see it in your eyes,” she assures me, calming the deep-rooted fear that I’ve always had. That I might turn out like my father despite my refusal.
“Sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m afraid that I’m looking at him. I don’t have any photographs and the memories started fading years ago. It’s hard to remember what my mom looked like, the small details.”
“You’re not him. You protected me, with Kyle and the guy at the bar.”
“I hate men like that, Thea.”
She nods in agreement, empathizing with me. “You didn’t have any other family?”
“No, none that stepped in. I went into a foster home at first, but once I turned eight or nine, I was sent to a group home for boys. Then bounced around from there. The army was my way out. It was the first stable thing that I had,” I admit, remembering how thrilled I was to have a permanent place to sleep and a hot meal every day. Then the paychecks came and I felt like I’d finally made it.
“But, you were all alone for so long.” I can almost hear her heart breaking for me, the boy version of me.
“There was a chance at the beginning that my first-grade teacher would take me in. She wanted to, but she wasn’t eligible for guardianship. I guess she was here teaching with a visa from Canada. I don’t know, the details are murky at this point. You remind me of her when you’re with your kids at the library.”
“Were you able to keep in contact with her at all?”
“She tried for a year or two, but at some point, I’d moved so much that I figured she couldn’t find me. It was easier than thinking that she might’ve given up on me.” I shrug, trying not to relive the rejection I felt as a child.
Thea wipes away the tears from her face. My fingers flex wishing I could do it for her. “Thank you for telling me. I wish things had been different for you.”
Me too, sweet girl.
“The army helped. Eventually, I had a team to depend on. It worked out.”
“Now you don’t have your team. Is that why Nathan wanted you to move here so badly?”
“He just misses me,” I attempt to make light of my situation. How alone I’ve been my entire life feels pathetic, even to me.
