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She grins. “Sometimes, two people start out at one place with one thing in mind. And then… eventually they wind up somewhere totally different. Like, hear me out…” she trails off, eyes big and searching.
My chest gets tight. I can tell we just suddenly shifted from playful to serious.
“Two people do all the things people in a relationship do. They get along. They are aggressively attracted to each other.” She holds up a finger because she can tell I’m about to say something. “Even though the guy in the relationship is only just okay in bed.”
I close my mouth, smiling a little. “You forgot how patient he is.”
“Anyway,” she says, pressing on. “These two people, for all intents and purposes, are acting like they’re in a relationship. Hypothetically speaking, you could even imagine they’re internally having all the kinds of feelings people in a relationship have. But these two people have a problem. Wanna know what it is?”
“Am I allowed to say ‘no’?”
“You’re not. That was a hypothetical question. Now shut up and keep looking pretty while I talk.” She presses her fingertip to my lips, smiling, even though she looks nervous. “So what do you call this thing happening between the two people? Because they started off calling it temporary and casual. But if it changed into something else, is it still temporary and casual just because they called it that? Or is it more?”
I stare at the shape of her in the darkness–the glint of fire in her eyes and the curve of her full, pouty lips. I follow the line of her slender neck and the swell of her bare hip. “It depends,” I say slowly, thoughts racing. “If he wants to do the right thing, he keeps calling it casual. He calls it that because he knows anything more isn’t fair to her. That she’s going to expect things from him he knows he can’t give her. And if he cares about her–hypothetically–he won’t want her to get hurt.”
“Hypothetically, let’s say she’s a big girl who wears big girl panties. Shouldn’t that be her choice? Her risk to take?”
I narrow my eyes. “Are we still talking about hotdogs?”
“Answer the question, Jesse.”
I sigh. “I guess it should be her choice. And he does know she wears big girl panties, since he bought her some the first day they met.”
She kisses me softly. We’ve kissed quite a few times over the past two days, but this one feels different. A spark of something runs through me as soon as our lips touch. Her fingertips on my cheek feel tender, almost loving.
Dangerous thought. An even more dangerous word to toss around, even in my own head.
I pull her head into my chest and hold her tight. I know the morning is going to come, and none of this is going to feel as simple and clear as it does when we’re alone and stripped bare for each other. I know the dawn is coming, but I want to relish the darkness for just a little longer. In the dark, nothing we’re doing has consequences. I wish it could stay that way, but I know it can’t.
I pull her to me tight and don’t let go, even after I drift to sleep.
31
ANDI
My morning began with an escape out Jesse’s window. I gracefully fell into a snow-covered bush, landed on my ass, got melted, cold snow all over myself, then scampered around his cabin to the guest house. After our conversation last night, I hoped he’d reach out and tell me to stay where I was. I may or may not have even had a dream or two about us proudly walking out together and announcing to everybody that we were officially a couple now.
Baby steps, though. I can do baby steps, right?
I’m at the table now with Nolan and Maddox while Jake, Liam, Carter, and Jesse are somewhere in the cabin, probably getting ready for the day.
Nolan slides some little french toast rectangles onto my plate. He has crisped them and coated them with brown sugar and cinnamon, then dusted them with powdered sugar, creating an angelic blend somewhere between a churro and French toast.
“Thank you, Goalie Gourmet” I say.
He smiles. “Give it a try,” he urges.
I crunch into it and sit back in the chair, sighing around my mouthful. “So good,” I manage.
Nolan’s smile goes even wider. “I baked the bread this morning. I tried to mess with the egg mixture a little. Doubled the vanilla and added some more nutmeg. Can you tell?”
I shrug. “It just tastes like magic to me. I don’t have a very complicated palette.”
“Magic,” he says, almost as if to himself. “I can handle that.”
He goes back into the kitchen, probably making a batch for the other guys. It’s kind of adorable. I know the team is supposed to be this big macho beefy man machine. They’re supposed to chest bump each other through walls, grunt, lift heavy objects, and radiate masculinity. But the more time I spend around them, the more I see how sweet they actually are with each other.
Nolan loves to cook for the guys and eats up any feedback he can get on his food. Jake is almost as overprotective as the guys as he is of me. The other day, I saw him having a long heart-to-heart with Liam after things went south with the girl Liam was seeing from town. There was a lot of shoulder touching, arm squeezes, and genuine gestures of concern.
