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“I still can’t believe we’re doing this.” I was relieved to finally be fulfilling the other side of the bargain I’d made with Nyx, but after so long, part of me was filled with dread. I couldn’t altogether let go of the idea that my family wasn’t dead until I saw the evidence, but I knew it was foolish to hope. Even so, there was still a little seed buried in my brain telling me they were out there.
“Can’t believe it in a good or a bad way?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m stuck in the middle. Apprehensive, but I’m grateful, too. Thank you.”
“You need it. I think we both needed to get out of there.”
I glanced over at him. “It wasn’t just the pressure of the meld, was it?” I knew it wasn’t. I’d watched him turn slowly in on himself in the days since Kol was sent to the Second Kingdom.
They’d been separated before, and he’d told me it had been hard on them both. Kol’s flight had been deployed many times since they’d finished their training, but the risk was usually much lower, and the distance far shorter. This was different.
Kol had made brief contact while they were flying long days to reach the outpost, but we had not heard from him since. Nyx suspected it was a strain for Kol to communicate over such a long distance, especially beyond the Wild Mountains, while using so much energy on flying non-stop every day. I hoped that once they camped and began the task of reclaiming the outpost, he would be able to check in more regularly to ease Nyx’s mind.
“It felt like I was rotting, being stuck there and knowing what kind of danger Kol is in but not being able to do a thing about it.”
“Rotting?” I questioned, wanting to understand him better.
“Rotting in place, you know? I was festering in my anxiety and frustration. I can’t think of a better way to explain it.” He turned his head to meet my gaze and shrugged.
I knew what he meant. Nyx was being kept completely out of the loop on the First Flight’s mission. He was livid and more suspicious than before. Even though he didn’t yet hold the rank of general, since his father’s death, he’d been included in the chain of command. He’d never been cut out, and there was no clear reason for keeping him in the dark now, other than their weak claim that he was ‘too close’ to the flyers to be objective.
“I understand.” I paused, not sure if I should compare my own situation to what he was facing. “I think it’s a little like how I felt in my village. I was kept in the dark, fearful of things on the outside, and expected to follow their rules without question. I had no control. I know it’s not the same—I wasn’t fearing for a loved one, but…”
“It was still like rotting in place,” he agreed.
I nodded.
“No one should have to live a life kept in the dark with no choices or control,” he said with conviction. If your parents wanted to live that way and raise their kids there, fine, but it was wrong of them to lie to you. They took the choice from you.”
“It feels like they stole so much.” I let the grief I’d been nurturing for a little while now form words. “We should have grown up together. They stole that from us.” I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive them for it.
Nyx smiled wistfully, possibly imagining what we’d have been like together from that age. “You just wish you’d had two little fae with wings to do your bidding.”
I smiled in spite of the melancholy. “Yes, obviously. I cannot even begin to think of all the ways I would have abused the privilege of having you two around. The mischief you would have come up with.”
“You would have been as bad as the two of us.” He shook his head. “Worse, maybe.”
I laughed in agreement, then sighed. “Can you imagine if we’d had all those years? Coming into our magic together, bonding and growing. We’d be melded by now…” I trailed off before bitterness had a chance to take hold.
He led his horse closer, so our thighs were side by side, and reached for my hand, taking it off the reins. “Things happened this way for a reason. I must believe there is a purpose to it.”
“I know we can’t change it, so there is no point regretting or being angry over the past, but I don’t know how to let go of the anger I carry for what they did to me.”
“The Goddess has a plan.” He squeezed my hand, then released it. “Even if it is unknown to us right now.”
“I know you’re right.” I had to trust.
FORTY
ZARIA
We made camp late each evening, always a ways off the road. We’d agreed that we’d stay away from inns and taverns in case anyone was looking for us. The nights grew longer by the day, which meant we rode long after the sunset to make progress.
We took the saddles off the horses and fed them in the dark, working silently side by side. We felt seamless. More than we ever had in the palace.
Nyx searched the underbrush for enough dead wood for a fire, then used his magic to ignite it. Every part of me was stiff by the time I sat next to the flames. My muscles craved the heat, and I scooted closer until I was nearly sitting in them.
"Death by campfire might not be the best way to go." Nyx met my eyes over the fire.
