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She backed away, shaking her head. “It’s my fault.”
“How is it your fault?”
“I’m holding you back. I’m sorry.” She turned and took off in a jog away from me, and I felt powerless to stop her. She needed to sort through her feelings, and I knew what would help with that.
“Kol?”
“At your service,” he replied jovially.
“I need a favor.”
THIRTY-SIX
ZARIA
“Why the glum face, sunshine?” Kol asked, flopping down in the seat beside me by the fire in the library.
I wasn’t shocked he found me. I often came here to study. It felt like the best way to accept this life was to know as much as possible about it. This nook had become my escape after grueling lessons. I now knew the fire helped me recharge, too, so that explained why I took comfort here.
“No reason. Just thinking.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I dropped my head back against the chair and rolled it to look at Kol.
“He sent you, didn’t he?”
Kol shrugged. “He was worried.”
“Well, you can tell him I’m fine. In fact, he’s probably listening, so you won’t have to.” I clamped my mouth shut as soon as I registered the words that were leaving my mouth. But I couldn’t take it back. Glancing around, I whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
Kol looked around subtly, then leaned in. “It’s fine. No one is close by.”
“What if?—”
“It’s fine,” Kol insisted.
I felt just awful. They’d never slipped, and in a fit of frustration, I could have revealed their secret.
Kol returned to the topic of our conversation, brushing my slip aside. “He didn’t ask me to come so I could report back. He sent me so you had a friend.”
I softened and shook my head. “Why is he looking out for me after he just had to defend us to the King again?! He’s the one getting pressured from every side while I hold up his career, his whole life. And he’s there, making sure I have someone to talk to. It’s all wrong.”
“You are his first priority. Don’t ever forget that. Because in the not-too-distant future, he will have so many responsibilities, there may be days you don’t feel it. But for as long as he draws breath, you will be the thing he puts above everything.”
I studied Kol. There was not an ounce of deception in him. I knew his words to be the truth. And yet I knew he didn’t feel that way about his ryder. They had a good meld—I knew because Kol had talked about it to help me understand how melds were different for all pairs. Theirs was fairly decent, in his words.
I’d been around many pairs since then and watched their connections. Some were barely friends, but lots were obviously intimate, like Kol was with Elvar. But it was just pleasure for them, not love. Or was I foolish for trying to apply that concept to this world?
Of course, there was love here. In most ways, the fae were the same. But among the bonded few like we were, the pairings were pre-destined by the Goddess. Some had relationships outside the bond, and that worked for them. Others turned to their bonded partner for those needs, but was it laziness or just complacency?
None of that fitted what Kol was trying to tell me about what I meant to Nyx. Of course, I knew our bond as ryder and flyer was above all, but I felt like Kol was referring to our bond as more than his or others, and I couldn’t wrap my mind around that when I felt so…misaligned.
That was it. I was misaligned with this path I was supposed to be progressing along. I was trying to follow Nyx, but I wasn’t there, right by his side like I needed to be. I was just a little out of sync.
“Did I lose you?” Kol asked, pulling me out of my head.
“Sorry. My mind is a mess of thoughts, and I’m just trying to make sense of things.”
