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“And this is the last time I amhelping you with her, do you understand? Now get out of here.”
“People keep kicking me out ofthis apartment,” I try to lighten the mood, but it makes me evensadder.
“Because you deserve it,” Joeretorts, dead serious.
He is about to open the door, butthe cats rub against my legs, purring. I squat to give each of thema good pet and scratch.
“Wow. Those two really like you,”says Joe, with a hint of awe in his voice.
“They’re pretty awesome. I missthem, too.”
“Too bad you can’t be the one whofeeds them while Roxie is away.” Joe picks up the cats, one in eachhand, and nods toward the door. I will have to let myself out.
I crack open the door and turnback around. “Will you tell Roxie that I am really sorry, and thatI miss her?”
Joe nods.
“And that she can come back home.I won’t bother her, I promise. When she’s ready to talk, she knowswhere to find me.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Roxie
Chris has kept his promise andstayed out of my way. And out of my texts. He might have adjustedhis daily schedule to miss me both in the morning and in theafternoon, which I suppose is a perk of knowing someone’s routineas well as he does mine.
I am grateful that my feeling safeand comfortable is important to him. I honestly don’t know what I’ddo if he were to pull a Dave on me and keep not talking a hint.
I miss him, though. So much it’sphysically painful.
The fact that the ball is truly inmy court makes everything harder somehow. Probably because I knowall I have to do is walk over and knock on his door. I have to keepmaking the choice not to do it, day after day.
But every time I think about doingit, I remember how he threw whatever little he knew about my sexualpast in my face. That he thought what we had was nothing because Iam and have always been a tramp.
I’ve been really busy at work, andI’ve been avoiding coming home. I’ve considered basketball at thegym Chris and I go to, but I don’t want to run into him after work.So I’ve looked into teams at the YMCA and joined a local coedmasters team. They’re decent and I’m excited. So far I’ve been to acouple of practices and my aim is still terrible, but I’m feelingbetter and stronger, and my knee has been holding up in a couple oftwo-on-twos.
The rest of the time I’ve beenhanging out at Liz and Joe’s, bumming them out. I try to keep mymoping to a minimum, but some days it isn’t easy. They’ve beenamazing, and they’ll make the most amazing parents. Liz is startingto show. I’m so excited for them!
I went to happy hours a few timeswith some people from work, but I didn’t enjoy it. I felt bored andrestless, and flirting with randos is pointless given that I haveno interest in anyone but the idiot from down the hall. I’ve neverbeen one to eat ice cream and wallow. I get out, get moving, andget shit done. But right now, I’m not in the mood for anyone oranything, and I bring everyone down.
The worst thing is, I actuallyfeel lonely. I never used to feel lonely. I used to be busy andcontent, and now I miss his stupid sorry ass. But I can’t go there;I can’t reach out to someone who’s spat on the months we’ve hadtogether because he thinks I am a slut. An unfeeling, unreliable,untrustworthy slut.
I honestly never saw it coming.When Chris got jealous after we’d run into Rick back in October, Iadmit a tiny part of me didn’t completely hate the flash ofpossessiveness. But what came out after Chris had met Dave was acompletely new level of ugliness. He set out to hurt and humiliateme. He wanted to blow everything up.
****
Thanksgiving is next week. It wasso stupid of me to tell Mom I would bring a guest. Now they’ll beon my case when he doesn’t show up—they will never let me live itdown. As if I needed more things for them to give me a hard timeabout.
Take your own advice. Don’tgo.
Only my family is three hours awayby car, not thirty. If I don’t visit, Mom might drive down here andimpose herself on me, and it will be impossible to kick her out,which is way worse. Going to see them periodically is the least ofall evils, and I can control how long I stay.
You know that’s messed up. It’sThanksgiving dinner, not prison.
I’ve been thinking about what todo with the cats. This is the first year without Joe and Liz acrossthe hall. They’re driving over to Minnesota to see Liz’s family. Icould leave Scylla and Charybdis alone for a day. Maybe someonefrom work could check up on them? Getting two spots at a cat hotelwill be hard on a major holiday.
Which is when I find the followingnote in my mailbox.
Hi Roxie,
