Page 73 of Go Lightly

Stuart came back with the coffee and said, ‘Sorry, we only have filter and there’s no milk,’ and Ada pointed at the painting and said, ‘She seems nice.’ Stuart handed the mug over and got back on the bed. ‘I painted it when we weren’t talking, I hope it’s OK,’ and she said, ‘I did not give you permission to make an art of me!’ He looked up and said, ‘Fuck, I thought you were serious for a second,’ and she said, ‘Why would god give me great tits if not to be painted,’ and he said, ‘You’re kind of ruining the moment,’ and she said, ‘Sorry I’m a shitty muse.’ Then she asked, ‘Why didn’t you paint it when we first started talking?’ He drank his coffee then said, ‘I wouldn’t have had time, I was messaging you like every five minutes.’ She said, ‘And job hunting I guess,’ and he said, ‘Would you believe that took less time than thinking of interesting things to tell you?’

He was staring at the picture now so she stared at it too and saw the figure’s dark hair winding under the surface and wondered at the broken-doll quality of the legs, knees not pointing quite the way knees do. She thought about asking him but what if he just wasn’t good at painting knees and she embarrassed him? She put the picture aside and sorted through the canvases below it, mostly of objects around the house and one she recognised as a room at the library. They were good, she thought, kind of academic, like exercises more than pieces.

She looked up and saw him watching her, so she said quickly, ‘Oh, the boy’s actually good at this art thing then.’ And he said, ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ and there was no way of answering that question without giving him a full history of her romantic partners and, probably, the western world. So she said, ‘Have you painted me again?’ and he said no and she said, ‘Do you think you will?’ and he said, ‘I don’t do people, much.’

And she hated that answer, so she put her mug gently on the bedside table then did the same with his. And she picked up the canvas and placed it on the floor and then she crawled across the bed to where he was sitting, his back against the wall. She opened his filthy green dressing down and climbed inside it, onto his lap. Her breasts were in his face and then she dipped low and kissed him. He tasted like the coffee she tasted like and there was no space between them at all. The kiss was long and then it was short and then they were simply pinned together, his face in her breasts again. He said into her chest, ‘Thank you … for being here,’ and she didn’t want to cry. So she climbed off him and started getting dressed. And he didn’t ask why but he did look annoyed as she pulled on her bra and then her black tank top with the neckline she privately considered miraculous.

‘Don’t you want to shower?’ he asked as she shook out the pink paisley midi skirt that she probably should have hung up. ‘No, I’m good, I don’t want to lose the whole day!’ and so he got off the bed and started to dress too, pulling on the same jeans from the day before but taking a fresh, wrinkled T-shirt out of his top drawer. Ada pushed her few remaining items back into her backpack, then said, ‘OK, I’ll just pee and we can go,’ and he said, ‘Go where?’ and she said, ‘I don’t know, this is your city!’ When he didn’t respond, she said, ‘Ooh, I want to see where the Beatles live,’ and he said ‘lived’ and she said, ‘OK, where they lived,’ and he said, ‘They didn’t all have like a big house together, you know,’ and she said, ‘See, this is exactly the local knowledge I need. Back in a minute.’ She went to the cell bathroom and waved goodbye to one of the housemates in the kitchen and then they were back outside in the watery sun, too warm for her jumper while they were moving and then freezing cold the minute they stood still.

Stuart waved down a bus and as it was pulling up, she said, ‘How do you pay for the bus here?’ He looked at her holding up a card and said, ‘It’s cash only.’

‘Well, I don’t have cash,’ and he sighed deeply and said, ‘I can get your ticket,’ and they got on together. After he had bought the tickets, they sat down and she said, ‘Who carries cash any more,’ and he said, ‘Who doesn’t,’ and she thought about explaining that she was joking, that she actually often had cash because she got paid with it for most gigs. But then he put his head on her shoulder for a moment, which took a lot of effort because his neck was too long, and so she tried silence for the rest of the journey.

When they got off the bus, Stuart took her hand and led her down a side street and then another and he said, ‘Here we are!’ She looked at the grimy laneway which was inexplicably full of people and said, ‘This is…’ and he pointed at a sign that said the Cavern Club. She looked at it and said, ‘Maybe too early for shots,’ and he sighed again and let go of her hand and shifted between his feet.

‘The Cavern … where the Beatles were like … discovered. Ring any bells?’ and Ada said, ‘Seems like a weird place to live,’ and he said, ‘Ha ha, so do you want to go inside?’ She held out her hand for him to take again. They went into the darkness, her eyes adjusting slowly as Stuart headed down a winding flight of stairs.

Ada sniffed the air and said, ‘It does have that authentic piss smell,’ and Stuart said, ‘Well, you know, teenage girls used to piss themselves when they saw Paul.’ Ada sniffed again, performatively this time, and said, ‘So do you think they hire teenage girls to come in here occasionally to piss, you know, keep things fresh?’ Stuart still didn’t laugh but said, ‘Doubt they’d be pissing themselves over Paul these days,’ and Ada said, ‘Yeah, isn’t he dead?’ Stuart said, ‘I really don’t know if you’re joking or not,’ and she said, ‘And you never will,’ then she tracked through her brain trying to remember which one was the dead one. When they got to the bottom, they found a dank bar covered in memorabilia and they walked around in silence, looking at the gold records on the walls, the framed guitars. Stuart said, ‘I haven’t been in here in years, it’s only really for tourists now,’ and Ada said, ‘Thank you for bringing me.’ After a while Stuart headed to the exit then said, ‘Sorry, are you ready to go?’ and she said, ‘Oh sure,’ and they headed out. When they neared the top, he said, ‘If you wanted teenage girl piss these days I reckon you’d do well to follow that Harry Styles around,’ and she said, ‘ “That Harry Styles”, OK grandpa,’ and he said, ‘You’re one to talk, old lady,’ and then he was kissing her right there in the street surrounded by boomers taking photos of each other next to the glowing red sign.

Ada thought about suggesting food – she hadn’t eaten since those crisps. She realised she had wine and coffee rolling round her system with nowhere to go, but it was so good to be kissing again and she didn’t want to slow them down. They turned a corner and Stuart pointed to a falafel place and asked if she was hungry and she felt so in sync with him. She ordered a wrap and he said to make it two and then he said, ‘You can get mine, you owe me for the bus ticket.’ She had already forgotten about the bus ticket and she had certainly never intended to pay him back but she allowed herself a lie as she said, ‘Of course, I was planning on it,’ and she wondered at his internal ledger. Where did she sit on it now? How much debt was she in? She remembered the wine the night before, the way she’d waved him off, and figured if this was any other stage she could tease him about his cheapness, with only a little malice, or maybe they could even fight about it – but she had no fight in her, not on a day washed in beginning.

They ate their wraps on a metal bench in the street, seagulls screaming overhead, and she saw that he ate like he did everything else, gracelessly, as though he didn’t have the requisite body parts to complete this task. She loved him, she realised, as garlic sauce covered his hands and he used the only napkin they had between them. She pulled her metal water bottle out of her backpack and poured some day-old water out of it onto her hands and he watched her do it then held out his hands too. And she washed them, there in the street, until they were clean and there was no water left.

They realised they had two hours left until her train and she asked if there was anything to do near the station.

‘I get kind of anxious if I’m too far away when I have to catch a train,’ and he said, ‘I can’t imagine you anxious.’ He decided they should go to the museum near the station, which he said was mostly natural history stuff, and she decided not to mention the Tate because he didn’t, and they started walking again, not holding hands this time but chatting a little and it was mostly easy.

When they got there Ada realised they were right next to the library and she thought about suggesting they go there again but didn’t want to touch that memory so soon. Maybe in ten years they would go in there together and talk about when he had shown her a name and they’d laugh at how young they’d been or maybe she would go there alone and remember love. But either way today was too soon, so they went into the museum and passed the time. Stuart was still being too serious so Ada asked him loudly which items Britain had stolen and he shushed her but he laughed. He said, ‘Yeah, look, Liverpool is all lefty today but we were a big colonial port,’ and she said, ‘Your tour-guide skills need work,’ and he laughed again and took her hand.

Ada pointed to a sign and asked what ‘horology’ meant and Stuart said that it was a really good bit, so they headed to the collection and Ada learned that horology meant clocks. She wouldn’t personally have said this was a ‘really good bit’ but then Stuart recited most of ‘Funeral Blues’ except he couldn’t remember how it ended so Ada substituted the ‘I’m just a girl’ speech. They debated the best Richard Curtis movies and Ada shrieked loudly, so loud, when Stuart made a case for About Time and he screamed, ‘Oh, come on,’ when she wouldn’t budge from Notting Hill. A security guard glanced at them and then looked away. Ada waited for the mood to fade but it didn’t this time.

They went to the insect house which Ada had expected to be filled with dead things but found instead that things were creeping and crawling in cases around them. Only the butterflies were dead – ‘RIP,’ Stuart said and crossed himself – but the spiders were scuttling up well-lit branches and Ada felt goosebumped and in love. A millipede she was watching gyrated and she shuddered and Stuart said, ‘Are you OK?’ and she said, ‘Yes look, it’s so disgusting,’ and they leaned their faces close to the glass together. There was silence and then Ada whispered, ‘This is hot,’ and Stuart laughed and said, ‘Oh yeah baby, look at that worm thing go,’ and Ada mimed throwing cash at the millipede and it was the best day of her entire life, probably, or it felt it in that moment.

Ada checked her phone and saw more messages from Sadie, who she had been answering every time Stuart wasn’t looking. She put her phone back and said, ‘I think I have to go to the station,’ and Stuart turned to her and said, ‘Or you could live here forever,’ and Ada said, ‘In the bug house?’ and he said, ‘In my bug house,’ and she touched his cheek and said, ‘Gross.’ They walked to the station together, holding hands for sure this time, neither of them pulling away. They got to the top of the steps and Stuart said, ‘Could we sit for a little bit?’ and Ada had half an hour left so she said yes.

They sat and looked at each other and he held on to her hands, massaging them between his, moving moving moving. Ada said, ‘Maybe you can come to Florida,’ and he said, ‘I’m not much of a hot weather person.’ Ada said, ‘What a disgusting thing to say, hot weather is the best,’ and he said, ‘Why are you in England again?’ And Ada said very earnestly, ‘The truth is that I’m a Beatles mega fan. I was so sad when Paul kicked it,’ and Stuart said, ‘Oh shut up,’ and he kissed her lightly and then they held each other and she wondered if he would cry. Instead, he stood up and pulled her up and said, ‘Come back here when you’re back, yeah?’ Ada said, ‘Why don’t you come to London instead?’ and as she said it she knew it was wrong, the sentence fell out of her mouth and they watched it tumble down the steps and break its fucking neck. And she said, ‘Sorry,’ and he said, ‘Well, will you be … living alone then? I mean apart from Mel?’ and she said, ‘I don’t know. I don’t think so,’ and he said, ‘I don’t sleep well on a couch so let’s stick with Liverpool for now.’ Ada said, ‘Of course,’ and he said, ‘We have to get you to your train.’

They walked into the station, up to the ticket barrier and there were eight minutes left and Ada wanted to stay but he said, ‘I think that’s your train there already.’ She had everything to say to him and nothing. She wanted to give him so much and berate him for asking her to and also murder him if he ever stopped wanting it all. She said, ‘I had a wonderful time. I think I like your life here,’ and he said, ‘You didn’t see my life,’ and she said, ‘You don’t go to the Cavern every day?’ He laughed but like he’d forced it and then he held her shoulders, tight, and kissed her. She felt trapped and he felt hard. It was perfect.

He released her and she said, ‘Message me when I’m on the train?’ and he said, ‘I’ll message you tomorrow, if that’s OK,’ and she said, ‘Of course, of course.’ And he chucked her under her chin but because the angle was wrong it sort of grazed her instead and he said, ‘Thanks for coming, pet,’ and she said ‘of course’ again and turned to go through the barriers. She found her carriage and turned back to wave at him but he was looking at his phone. She called his name and then she called it louder so everyone boarding the train looked at her. He looked up too and he grimaced and waved her on to the train. She blew him a kiss and he made the waving gesture again and she got on.

She found her seat as the train started moving, window again, facing forward, Mel was so thoughtful. An older woman sat in the aisle seat reading her Kindle and she smiled at Ada and moved her legs to the side as she climbed over her. Once she was seated, her backpack propping up her feet, her jumper across her lap, she pulled out her phone and saw a message from Stuart that said, ‘I couldn’t wait until tomorrow.’ She checked the time stamp and realised he was writing it when she called out his name. He was being romantic and she had ruined it and she wrote back, ‘Sorry I yelled in the train station,’ and he said, ‘You’re fucking nuts lol,’ and they were safely back in their little boxes.

TWENTY-TWO

From: Diana Highfield

To: Ada Highfield

Hello baby,

Just confirming that you’re on the 11:15 a.m. flight from Gatwick NOT Heathrow, I know I have said this a few times but I would hate for you to go to the wrong one and miss it. You will land at Tampa and Dad and I will meet you at arrivals. Don’t worry about texting when you get in, your father has a flight tracking app that he’s honestly a bit obsessed with. I caught him tracking a plane to Sweden the other day and we don’t even know anyone there. We are both so looking forward to seeing you, little one, I can’t believe it has been so long. Gabby is so excited for your arrival too, though obviously she is mostly focused on breastfeeding and sleeping right now. I had forgotten how 24/7 the newborn phase is! But we are having such a special time and it will be so wonderful having everyone together again. Let me know if you need anything. Hank says he has sent you all the flight details but for your old ma’s sake, please check them again. See you tomorrow, baby. Love you. Mum xoxo

TWENTY-THREE

Ada had been so hungry when she got into London that she’d stopped at the M&S at the station to buy crisps for the tube and then, on a starving whim, had picked up a Colin the Caterpillar cake too. So she sat on the tube and then the Overground pouring salt and vinegar into her mouth with one hand and balancing the cake box with the other. By the time she reached the flat she was sweaty and felt covered in the grime of the city, of both cities, and all the trains.

She let herself in and dumped her backpack on the floor then headed to the kitchen where Sadie was stirring lentils and Mel was peeling an orange. Sadie turned to her and said, ‘Welcome home,’ and Ada almost said, well, yes, this is my home, did you forget, but then Mel said, ‘Missed you!’ and Sadie said, ‘Mel made me watch some British game show for nerds.’ And Ada laughed and said, ‘University Challenge?’ and Mel sniffed exaggeratedly and said, ‘I apologise for trying to raise the intellectual level of this household,’ and Sadie said, ‘Don’t go to Florida, she’ll try to make me smart.’ And it was good to be back and she felt sad about leaving again so soon. She brandished the slightly squashed cake and Mel said, ‘Oh hey, Colin!’ and then made Ada an old fashioned and Sadie kicked them out of the kitchen so she could finish cooking.

Source: www.allfreenovel.com