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“Just tell me why,” I say to him instead of answering his question. I need to get this out. I don’t want to move the conversation anywhere else, I don’t want to hold onto this topic any longer.
He leans against the hood of his truck and I stand about two feet in front of him. His hazel eyes look somewhat sad, and I hope it’s out of regret.
Our intimate relationship isn’t one that was overly brag worthy. Not that I’m a kiss and tell kind of girl. But I think the only true connection I’ve even had to Liam was the fact that he saw me when I was feeling low, and he really took the time to understand. I needed someone to do just that, though I knew who I wished it could have been, but at the time it was Liam and I took what I could from that and let it be the anchor for me moving forward.
But I guess in truth, I was using him…as a distraction. Because he kept my mind off of the things that hurt. He gave me hope that people can change.
He reaches for my face, brushing a strand of hair off my forehead, and I hate the way he looks at me.
“Hollis, I never meant to hurt you,” he says, and I don’t love the way that it sounds. I mean, no one ever intends to hurt someone but when they do the secretive shit behind their back, they also don’t intend to get caught to attract the pain.
“Liam, I don’t need you to feed me your excuses. I just need to know why.” I step back a bit from his touch, letting the space between us feel a lot more distant than it really is.
“You’re right, Hollis. You deserve the truth, and the truth is…” he swallows before shifting on his feet. “I did it because when I showed up to meet my friends for lunch that day, I was shown interest by a girl there who I’d had a crush on a while back. But I passed her up to be with you because we had barely started getting to know each other and, at the time, it felt right. You are a dream girl and I know anyone would be lucky to be with you. So, I was selfish and…” He wavers, looking up at the sky, the sun dipping between clouds.
“I know that you’ll never return the feelings that I have for you. Orhad. Because the truth is, I haven’t felt like I’m what you want in a while and I never really knew how to tell you because I had always felt like I was so lucky to have you, you know.” He runs his hands through his brown hair. “And I’ve known that we aren’t right for each other for a while, wondering if maybe we just kept trying to make it work because we felt like we owed each other in a way. I mean, we haven’t even been together sexually in months, Hollis and despite popular belief, intimacy is important in a relationship.” He pauses, allowing me to take in everything that he just said.
It honestly renders me shocked. The Liam I know doesn’t have a single serious bone in his body. I mean, he does have maturity and all he just, he would rather be playful and joking around. I’ve never heard him give a speech of that caliber, especially when it comes to feelings and emotions.
He even told me he loved me in a playful way.
It’s kind of what I liked about him because I needed a change of scenery from my all-too-serious family and the defeat that I’d felt in the years prior.
But listening to him talk to me as if he had actually thought about what he was going to say coming into this conversation, really has my mind wondering about other aspects of my life.
And how I might have been denying the right person a second chance.
I’ll never regret giving Liam a chance to redeem himself, he might be right. Maybe we felt like we owed each other. Him owing me because he was pretty much an asshole to me for a few years. And I owed him because he stepped up for me in a big way.
But maybe we didn’t need to repay each other by forcing a relationship, though I do feel bad knowing that he developed real feelings for me.
“So, what are you saying, Liam?” I ask, having not seen this turn of events. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. I just wanted to hear him tell me why he cheated on me and then I thought I was going to have to decide if we stay together or break up.
I’m not sure what I would have done had he not approached me this way instead. I mean, I know what I wanted to do but being stubborn is laced in my blood and I wouldn’t have known how to change that.
“I’m saying that you don’t deserve to be hurt by someone simply because you don’t feel the same way they do. You need to be with someone who you will give your all to and someone who shows you the same. I did fall for you, but I just don’t think we’re right for each other and that’s okay. I’m saying that I’m thankful that you gave me a chance and I’m sorry I blew it.”
“You didn’tblowit,” I tell him even though we both know that this might not be happening right now if I hadn’t caught him cheating. But that would only mean that we’d be forcing it a little bit longer which might have been even worse.
“Maybe we can be friends, maybe that’s all we were meant to be.” Liam leans up off of his truck and sticks his hands in his pockets.
I’m entirely grateful that he’s using consideration as a conversation driver instead of the way I thought this was going to go.
“Maybe,” I say. Being friends with someone obviously isn’t my strong suit.
“I’m sorry about what you’ve been through. And I’m sorry to add to it. But what you told me that night, if any of it was true…I’d say now is your chance to finally do something about it,” he adds before stepping forward and pulling me into him for a hug.
I’m not hurt by the breakup. I’m not broken or upset. And honestly, I’m not even mad at the reason why we’re here. It was honest and real and I’m thankful I don’t have to pretend anymore.
I only dislike that idea of breaking up with Liam because that would make me a single girl. And as Jaelynn pointed out a few days ago, being a single girl means that more thoughts of blonde hair and bright blue eyes with tattoos and a knack for irritating my soul will invade me like a plague and that is something that I won’t be able to handle right now. But I hear what Liam says and I know he’s right.
Liam gets in his truck and drives off, leaving me standing on the sidewalk in front of my house. I don’t move from my spot, I only sit down on the curb and cross my legs. The afternoon is fresh with bright skies and a warm sun beating down on me.
Today I’m wearing some ripped up shorts with fishnets and combat boots. An oversize Blink-182 t-shirt is tied at my belly button. Pieces of my blue strands fly free from my bun as a little bit of wind blows around me.
Liam and I broke up.
I text Jaelynn, who I know will be happy to hear this news. I don’t know what I feel. Relief, maybe?
