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Chapter 30
Aria
“I want to help you, Aria, but I can’t do that unless you talk to me,” says Alice, my new counsellor from Women Matters.
Clay had to pull some strings to get her here today, much to my annoyance. I was quite happy to sit and wallow on my own, but now I’m sitting in Caleb’s office, playing with a bit of fabric from my cardigan.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.
I know these sessions will benefit me in the long run, but I find it difficult talking about anything that has happened to me. I can’t find the right words.
“Okay. Let’s start with today. How are you feeling now?”
I shrug. “Disgusted. Angry. I’m stressed out so much that my head hurts.”
“I think it’s only understandable that you feel all of these mixed emotions.”
“So everyone keeps telling me, but I don’t want to be angry all the time. I don’t want to be stuck in the past!” I snap and stand up, pacing over to the window. “It’s like with every setback, I’m thrown deeper into the abyss and it’s getting harder to get out. I feel like I’m drowning, but instead of being pulled out, I’m being pushed farther into the deep blue sea. Just yesterday, I felt like I was normal. I felt like I had turned a huge corner. Now, with one breaking news headline, I’m right back at the beginning.”
“Let’s start with things that relax you. What makes you calmer?”
“Caleb,” I whisper. “His touch. His words. His presence. I can’t explain it.”
“What else?”
“Sitting outside on the patio or sitting on the love seat at the patio doors.”
“We can work with that. Have you ever kept a journal?”
I nod. “When I was a teenager.”
“Your regular sessions initially start next week. It’s a fresh year. A fresh start. What do you think about writing about your thoughts and feelings? Writing down things that bother you? We can discuss these issues at each session.”
I turn back to face my therapist and nod. “I can do that.”
When she walked in here this afternoon, I really wanted to tell her to get out, but she speaks sense. I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings, but writing them down is another matter. I loved journaling when I was a child. It was an outlet from real life.
“Good. I’ll be back again on Monday, but if you need me before then I’ll leave my card. I’m only a call away.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll see myself out.” She smiles brightly at me.
I turn and look back out of the window. The snow is falling again, and it looks beautiful and calm.
“Knock, knock.” I look over my shoulder to see Clay walking towards me with a cup. “Just the way you like it.” He scrunches his nose up.
He makes me chuckle. He just can’t hide his displeasure in my taste for decaffeinated coffee. I honestly can’t taste the difference, but then, I’m not a big coffee drinker. Clay drinks too much coffee in in one day. It can’t be good for him.
“Did you draw the short straw?”
“Huh?”
“You coming in here to see me. How did you end up with that job?”
“I’m the only one here.” He sniggers. “Caleb had to go out with Chris. How did the therapy session go?”
I shrug and sit down on the window seat. I pull my legs up beside me and lean against the wall.
