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“No. I was going to ask if I can use the Land Rover, just until I pick up my car from home.”
My mum sits up straighter and forgets the soup in front of her. My dad takes out the keys from his pocket and hands me them without any questions or fussing.
“It’s got a full tank, pet. Just drive safely.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Hold on.” My mum walks over to me and takes my hand in hers. “Are you sure about this? Can Pete not pick you up? I’d feel much better if you were with someone.”
And there it is, the mother hen routine. I was wondering when it would start. Don’t do that, do this. Be here, not there.
“Mum, I totally get your concern, but I’m going out. I need to do this. I’m not a child.”
“But what if you...” My mum pauses and averts her eyes to the floor.
“What? Say it. What if I try to kill myself again?”
“Okay...” My father joins us and puts himself in the middle of us. “I don’t think your mum meant that, sweetheart. We’re just concerned about you.”
“I’m fine. I’m trying here, but I can’t put the past to rest if you remind me of it every time I want to do something myself. Is it a problem if I take the car?” I jangle the keys at my mother, and she shakes her head.
“Of course it isn’t, Harper. Take the car and have fun.” My dad kisses my cheek and pushes me carefully towards the front door out of the way of this situation before it gets out of hand and one of us says something we will later regret. “If you need anything, just call me.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
Getting out of the house is a necessity today. I feel suffocated. I feel like everything I do is scrutinised. My mum has been great, giving me space and time to get over everything my own way, but her eyes are constantly on me and it’s becoming monotonous. Maybe coming home to recover wasn’t the best idea I’ve had.
***
I pull into the car park and get out of the car. Pete is already sitting on the wall with two takeout cups of coffee and a bag that I’m guessing contains food. He can never resist a cake from a coffee shop. He’s one of those people who can eat whatever they like and never put on weight. I just need to look at a cake and put on two pounds.
The moment he looks up and notices me, he puts down the coffee and engulfs me in his arms. I relax into his embrace and don't care who is looking on. This moment has been a long time coming. And out of everyone, Pete is the one I feel most guilty about shutting out because he has been there for me through thick and thin.
“I have so missed you, baby girl.”
We sit on the wall; he never lets my hand go. It feels nice being back with Pete. He’s like the male version of me. We just click.
“I’m sorry. For everything.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. You’re here, you’re alive, and while you look a little flustered, you still look amazing.”
“I had a bit of a bust-up with my mum before I came out.” Pete hands me a coffee, and I take it gratefully. “She didn’t want me to come out on my own. I get it. I just hate feeling like everyone is watching, waiting for me to fuck up again.”
“Will you promise me one thing?”
“If I can.” I take a drink of the coffee and sigh with contentment. It’s delicious. The aroma is rich, and the velvety liquid goes down a treat. “That is a good coffee.”
Pete takes his own cup and studies me carefully. “If you ever feel down or at that stage again, you talk to me. You do not do that again. I don’t care how bad things get; we can work it out.”
Tears sting my eyes. “I promise. I was stupid. I was selfish.”
“No, you were desperate. You were grieving.”
“And now I want to move on. It isn’t easy, but everyone, apart from my mum today, has been understanding.”
“And Drew? How is that going?”
The biggest smile appears on my face. I can’t help it. Drew has always been the one to lighten my life.
