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“Okay.”
She whips her head up at me. She looks surprised at what I’ve said.
“Okay?” she asks, like she’s making sure she heard me right.
I nod. “Yeah.”
She clears her throat. “You make it sound like it’s no big deal.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
She frowns and I start to panic. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like, it’s not a big deal that you can’t get off. That’s not at all how I feel. It’s really important. I just mean, it’s an issue I’ve encountered before with some of the women I’ve been with. I’ve always been able to help them through it.”
“Oh…” Tori’s voice hitches up. Her eyes are bright and wide, like she can’t quite believe what I’ve said. Her eyebrows crash together. “Wait, does that mean you were able to help them…get off?”
“Yeah.” I take another bite of my sandwich and another swig of water.
“All of them?”
“Yeah.”
When I look back at her, she’s staring at me.
“What?” I ask her.
She shakes her head. “Nothing, I just…” She presses her eyes shut for a second. “Okay, so with Robbie, I just could never have an orgasm with him. No matter what we did or what we tried, I couldn’t. It led to a lot of frustration and hurt feelings. And it made sex kind of unpleasant.”
My blood turns to ice. Sex is supposed to be fun for both partners. It’s never, ever supposed to be unpleasant, no matter the reason.
“Unpleasant?” I repeat, my voice strangled.
“Yeah.” She says quietly. “I mean, it was always consensual. I always wanted to have sex with him. But I just couldn’t have an orgasm with him, no matter what we tried. And it was upsetting for both of us. Him especially. He’d get worked up about it and would say things…”
There’s a flash of pain in her eyes again.
“What kind of things?” I ask, making sure my tone is gentle.
She lets out a breath like she’s nervous. “There was this one time. We were long distance at the time. He moved from Denver to Salt Lake City for his job and things between us had been so strained. I was visiting him and planned a romantic night for us.” She clears her throat. “He had been focusing on me for a while, but I just couldn’t get there. I think I was just too inside my head and put so much pressure on myself and on us being together after spending so many weeks apart. I could tell he was frustrated that I couldn’t have an orgasm. And he said I must be broken.”
Her voice shakes at the last syllable of “broken.”
“Are you fucking serious?” I mutter.
She nods. “He apologized later on. He explained he was just frustrated in the moment, but I couldn’t shake it off. It’s always stuck with me.” She lets out a shaky breath. “That’s why I ghosted you this last week. Our hookup in the dressing room was the hottest moment of my life. I really did want to meet up with you again afterward. But then I got in my head. I convinced myself that it was a one-off, that we were caught up in the moment,” she says softly, like she’s ashamed. “I was so scared that if we actually made it to my bedroom, it would end up like almost every other time I was in bed with a partner: a complete and utter disappointment. And I didn’t want to disappoint you like that. You mean too much to me.”
Tori’s shoulders sink as her gaze drops to her lap.
“Remember when you overheard Becca talking about my sex list?”
I nod.
“That’s how it started,” she says, not looking at me. “Becca was consoling me after my breakup with Robbie, and in my sadness and frustration, I made a list of all the sex stuff I tried with him that ended up a huge disappointment. I was going to use it as a checklist whenever I dated someone new, to reclaim all those unsatisfying experiences I had with Robbie. To prove to myself that I wasn’t broken.”
She clears her throat and pushes aside the rest of her sandwich.
“But I haven’t had much luck. I’ve dated a bit since Robbie, but nothing worked out. In or out of the bedroom,” she says, her tone defeated. “His ‘broken’ comment did a number on me. I think deep down, I’m terrified that I really am broken. That I won’t ever be able to have an orgasm with anyone, no matter how hard I try.”
I’m quiet as I take in everything she’s said. My throat works as I process the mix of emotions inside of me.
