AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Now I did sit down. My legs were shaking too much for me to stand. I covered my mouth with my hands to stop myself screaming, and forced myself to regulate my breathing until the urge passed.
“Where are the cigarettes?”
“In my work bag.” Petra gestured back towards the porch. “She bought me a few packets today. In case I found myself unable to get them for whatever reason.”
Cigarettes came in packs of 20. So that was what the mysterious messages had been about.
“So you have no intention of quitting, then. Now it’s the summer holidays. That’s why you’re telling me now, isn’t it? Because you’ve got no way of hiding it any more.”
She nodded mutely.
I huffed out a laugh. “I don’t believe this. I never thought you’d do this. You quit for me. Back in the day. After I told you what happened to Lyndsey, how that nearly killed me and my parents into the bargain. You want to get lung cancer? Petra? Or throat cancer, or emphysema? Or any other smoking-related illnesses? You want to die young, and make me a widow? I can’t believe this.”
“No!” Petra cried out, her voice breaking. “Of course I don’t want that. But I’m addicted. If you’ve never been in this situation, you’ll never understand the need.”
“You quit before. Easily, it seemed.”
“It wasn’t. I just hid the struggle from you.”
“You quit because you loved me, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t love you then, I hardly knew you, but I knew I was going to love you, yes.”
“And how about now? Don’t you still love me?”
Silence. She wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand and looked away. I felt my eyes widen, and leaned forward.
“Petra? Don’t you love me?”
“I do,” she said. “But… I don’t think that’s enough for me to be happy, somehow.”
I flinched – she couldn’t have hurt me more if she’d struck me.
“But we’re… we’re married.” I breathed. “We exchanged vows. As long as we both shall live. ’Til death us do part. Which may be sooner than we’d like, if you keep smoking.”
“Well…” She seemed to be lost for words, and eventually shrugged resignedly. “I don’t know. Maybe we weren’t destined to be together forever.”
The air left the room and all I could do was stare at her. She met my eye briefly and shrugged.
“Maybe Dame Destiny’s big plan was for us to only be together for a short while. I think the romantic love has gone out of this whole thing, don’t you? We’re more like companions than wife and wife. And I can’t help thinking… maybe the pair of us are better suited apart, now. We both deserve to be happy, don’t we? And I’m not. Not happy, I mean.”
“No,” I murmured. “No, that’s not true. I still love you. Romantically. There’s still love in this. I just… I can’t believe you’re smoking again. After all the damage it caused. After all the hurt. You’re a singer, Petra. Those cigarettes will destroy your voice. Doesn’t that factor into the equation? Even if you couldn’t keep off them for me, couldn’t you for singing?”
I stared at her, and I didn’t recognise the woman looking back.
“Not any more.” Her tone was clipped. “Frankly, I’d be happy if I never had to sing again.”
The silence rung in the air between us. I sat back in the chair again and exhaled, deeply. Several times, but it didn’t serve to calm me. It only made me hurt more.
“So… you want a divorce? Is that what you’re saying? You want all this… done?”
“I don’t know.” Petra covered her eyes with one hand, propping her elbow on the table. Her voice came out as a whisper. “I think so.”
An involuntary whimper escaped my throat, but I forced myself to keep my voice steady.
“And how would we… go about it? Divorce on the grounds of…?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered again. “Felicia Wilson’s mother, Mabel, has been helpful. She spotted me smoking in hiding a couple of weeks ago after work and I shared a little of how I’ve been feeling. She was just there at the right time and… she suggested a trial separation. A couple of weeks apart. She has a spare room now that Felicia’s moved in with Cass, and she offered me the use of it.”
