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She nodded. “I can, but I’d need to notify the parents. He said his parents don’t like people who are ‘different’, which I’ve inferred to mean they’re exactly like mine.” Her lip curled. “If it’s not safe to tell them, my options are limited.”
“God, the poor kid,” I murmured, trying to ignore the odd churning in my stomach. “Is there anything I can do, Petra?”
“Not a thing. I probably shouldn’t have even told you that much, but it just came out. You can’t do anything. Just… please let me focus on my work. And don’t tell anyone, obviously.” She took a deep breath and recomposed herself. “Now, have you found something else we can sing instead of Ave Maria?”
I knew not to press, so I gamely took the out. “I have: Ave Maria.”
“What, the other one?”
“The pop version that we did a few years ago.”
“I’d forgotten about that one.”
“It’s not too challenging, it’ll trick the audience into thinking it’s something choral but without the stress of learning too many harmonies. Mostly in unison with some harmony in the chorus. What’s not to like? Plus, it’ll save them some energy to channel into the Sea Shanty Medley.” I fought a smile at the thought of the choir singing my own arrangement. We’d sung songs I’d arranged before, but this was the most challenging, and it had taken me all winter to perfect.
Petra thought for a second, and nodded. “Fine. I’ll get some copies made.” She took the paper I held out to her. “But I think I’ll go to bed now. I can’t think any more. It feels like my brain’s sizzling.”
“You go on up, then.”
I opened my arms and gave her a hug, trying to inject some warmth into the coldness of her skin. She must have been sitting upstairs with the window open.
“You’re warm,” she murmured into my shoulder.
“Always,” I murmured back. “Even more so now I’m hitting the menopause.”
“My little Scotch bonnet.”
“My beautiful Greek goddess.”
“Why does everything have to be so complicated?”
I couldn’t answer that, so I just gave her a final squeeze before letting her go. I made sure she was all the way upstairs before placing my hand on my stomach in an effort to calm it.
‘He didn’t feel like a boy. But he didn’t feel like a girl either. He said he just felt like a ‘nothing’. Or both.’
Those words had struck a chord in me. Big time.
Right now, I didn’t have the energy to think about why.
Chapter Five
I spent an inordinately long time sorting things out downstairs. With a strange numbness, I did all the usual chores – tidying away and filing the music, emptying the dishwasher, straightening out the kitchen – and then sat down at the kitchen table with my laptop.
From there, I clicked onto one of the instant messaging apps, and from there onto a group chat. I didn’t get to talk to these people as often as I’d like any more, so I sat there for a few minutes just catching up on the messages. They ranged from chit-chat to major updates as the fifteen of us pressed on with our individual lives, re-convening on a digital server now and again when we had time. I’d known these women for several years despite our LGBTQ+ online social group having shut down, and so it was to them I now typed, Hey peeps – anyone still awake?
For a long moment, I watched as everybody’s activity indicators remained grey. Then – miracle of miracles! – one lit up green. Gemma was recently divorced from her second wife and in her latest update had shared that she hadn’t been sleeping well, and so it made sense that she quickly responded – I am, Jean – what’s up?
PM you, I replied, then switched to private messaging.
She beat me to the punch. What’s up? You’re up late.
I squinted at the clock, surprised to find that it was gone eleven. So I am. Just having a case of the emotional collywobbles and Petra’s asleep so thought I’d come and chat to one of you lovely lot. You’re the first to respond, so… uh, congratulations? I accompanied this with a laughing emoji so as to dial down the mock-hubris.
You always did have such a way with words, Jean, Gemma responded. Does anyone even say ‘collywobbles’ any more?
I do, I replied definitively.
A very old-fashioned word, she remarked.
