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The door opened behind me a couple of minutes later and Laura’s head popped around it.
“Can I come in? Or do you need a minute?”
“A minute,” I wheezed, and in the mirror I saw her nod.
“Okay. I’ll be waiting in the office. Come and talk to me when you’re ready.”
“Do I have to?” I said, but she was already gone. I sighed, but noticed that I could actually breathe slightly easier now. A bone-deep fatigue seeped in, and I found myself clinging to the edge of the sink to stop myself collapsing altogether.
After five minutes or so, I could feel my legs again, and cautiously took my hands off the sink. Confident that I could support myself now, I met my own eyes in the mirror, surprised to see tears in them. A quick wipe with a tissue and a wash of the hands, and I squared my shoulders at my reflection. It was time to face the music. Or Laura, at least.
True to her word, my supervisor was in the office, clicking away on the computer. I stood in the doorway and squinted – she was printing labels. Then she noticed me and turned around, smiling gently. I suddenly remembered: she was the Mental Health First Aider for our branch. If I was going to have a panic attack on shift, she was probably the best equipped person to deal with it.
“Let’s go sit down in the break room, shall we?” she said, and I led the way into the room next door. We sat down opposite each other, and I was reminded of my initial interview for the position, some twenty years ago now. How times had changed.
“Is it all right if I ask you what’s going through your head at the moment?”
I couldn’t look at her, but I managed to chuckle.
“Right at this moment, I’m embarrassed to be even having this conversation. Fifteen minutes ago, I was also embarrassed, but for an entirely different reason.”
I waited for her response, but she didn’t give one. When I did look at her, she was leaning forward with her hands clasped… with an ‘I’m waiting’ look on her face. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, but it worked. I looked away again and prayed for strength.
“I just have a lot on at the moment. My mind got a bit tangled up with all these customers, and perhaps I gave him the wrong change. I wasn’t exactly… thinking too hard about what I was doing. Which is entirely my own fault, and all I can do is apologise.”
“You actually gave him the right change.”
Now I looked at her.
“Really?”
“Yep.” She nodded. “He was just trying it on. One of the things I have access to as supervisor is what the last ten notes were that were put into the cash box, and when you put them in there. The last twenty you put in the box was four minutes before the transaction. When I told him that, he deflated like a balloon and slinked away with his tail between his legs.”
“So I was right. But the point still stands that I couldn’t remember, because I wasn’t concentrating.”
“Are you comfortable telling me why that is?”
Her eyes were full of concern. Not a hint of judgement. Balling my fists tightly, I forced myself to say it.
“Petra’s left me.”
“I see,” she said, but didn’t say anything else.
“A divorce is… on the cards. But we’ve separated for now. It’s hard.” Against every ounce of my willpower, my voice broke and tears filled my eyes again. “It’s really hard.”
“I can tell,” she said gently. “Would a hug be helpful?”
“No, thank you,” I shook my head. “I just want to carry on as normal. Whatever ‘normal’ is at the moment.”
“All the same, there’s not a whole lot of point you going back out there now,” she said. “Not with only an hour left of your shift. Why don’t you clock off early? You’ve done enough overtime the last few weeks – nobody’s going to begrudge you a lost hour.”
“Can the two of you cope? You and Jordan?” I motioned towards the front of the shop, where I knew my other colleague would be doing my job on the tills.
“We’ll make it work,” she said. “There’s not much left to do once we’re shut. Go on. Go home and get some rest.”
“Okay,” I said, standing up and picking up my bag.
“Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” Laura said, standing up too. “Are there any accommodations we need to make in the workplace? Time off for solicitor’s meetings, etcetera…?”
