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“Tame me?” Vitari laughed. “What am I, an animal?”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” Oh God, give him strength not to mess this up. “I’m saying it all wrong.” He moved closer again. “I lost you once, Vitari. I lost you and it hurt, it hurt like I’ve never known.”
“I’m sorry, I never meant to?—”
“Just—hush up. I need to get this out.”
A knowing glimmer of mischief sparkled in Vitari’s eyes. “Are you mad at me, Padre?”
“Yes, I’m mad at you! I’m always mad at you, and maybe a little mad about you.” He winced. This was terrible; he sounded like a fool. He wasn’t making any sense. The more he talked, the further away he got from the point.
Vitari frowned. “Are you all right? Maybe those beers weren’t a good idea?—”
Another step brought him almost within grabbing distance, and Francis ached to hold him, to kiss him, to taste him until there was nothing else, but he needed to use words, needed Vitari to understand why all of this was so difficult. “I’ve never done this before, never really had someone. And I know you don’t want a future with me. I get it. I do. But I lost you Vitari and when you came back, it was… I don’t know, it was a second chance, a chance to see what I didn’t want to see before, what I couldn’t see. Everything was so confusing. A lot happened. And there you were, and it was hard, I mean you were hard?—”
Vitari’s frown tilted, turning confused. “Maybe you should sit down?”
“I’m not sitting down. I have to say this, I have to…” He stepped close enough that Vitari had to lift his chin, that they almost touched; so close it was just him and Vitari and the sound of the ocean. “My whole life, I’ve been trying to fit in somewhere, trying to make myself into something I’m not. When I’m with you, I’m just me. And it’s right. I fit.”
The corner of Vitari’s mouth twitched, hinting at his smile. “Go on.”
“Damn you, Vitari. I think you know what I’m trying and failing to say.”
“Do I?”
Here it came, the truth—the only real truth that mattered. “I love you. There it is. I said it. And I mean it.”
Vitari’s eyes widened, then his smile lifted his lips. “Are you sure? You sound pretty high right now. Painkillers and beers?—”
Francis clutched his face, looked him in the eyes, and said, “I. Love. You.”
But instead of smiling, Vitari’s face crumpled. His smile broke apart and fell away. God, was he about to… cry? Francis flung his arms around him and crushed him close. Vitari clung to his shirt at his back, and he buried his face in his neck. Francis hadn’t meant to hurt him, not like this. He’d thought it was a good thing? Love. And he did love him; as soon as he’d said it, he’d known it was true. He loved Vitari with every part of himself—mind, body, and soul. He loved him as though a fire burned within, ever brighter and hotter.
“You can’t,” Vitari whispered. “You can’t love me.” His cheek brushed Francis’s, leaving a touch of wetness behind.
“I can. I do. Please, don’t put me on that plane without you. I can’t stand losing you again, I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
“Goddammit, Francis. Why are you doing this to me?”
“It’s the truth.” He spoke the words into Vitari’s ear and felt his shudder, felt his fingers dig in, felt him hold on, as though Francis were the only thing in his life worth holding on to. “Your father asked me if the truth was worth my future, and it is. You are.” He leaned back, bracketed Vitari’s face, and almost sobbed when he saw the tears shining in his eyes. “I love you, Vitari Angelini. I know it because when you were gone, so was my heart.”
“Fuck, stop.” A tear left a wet trail down his face.
He’d said what he’d said, and maybe, finally, Vitari was listening and believing he was worthy, because he was everything to Francis—his life, his love, his heart. He slammed a kiss on his mouth, but as Vitari clutched him close and kissed him back, Francis slowed, kissing him softly, carefully, needing him to know, to feel how much this meant and how real it was. Mouth to mouth, soft and hard, so very right that Francis wanted to crawl inside him.
Vitari gasped free and clutched at Francis, bowing their heads together. He drilled his stare into Francis, pinning him still. “If you stay with me, you’ll die with me.”
He nodded. “I know.”
Vitari winced as though Francis wanting to be with him hurt him. Why would it hurt? What did he flinch from?
“You deserve so much more.”
“There is no more I want than you.”
“Francis, I…” He laughed and then kissed him, thrusting his tongue in, rocking Francis back while holding him close. Vitari took his hand and pressed it to his chest, and when the kisses ended, the next words were dragged as though he’d dragged them up from his soul to speak them. “Ti amo con tutto il cuore, ti amo più della mia vita.”
Francis didn’t know what it meant, but he could guess from how Vitari’s voice trembled. He loved him, they loved each other, and wasn’t that all that really mattered?
