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“We won’t,” he replies, squeezing me tighter.
I turn my head to stare up at him. “I’m serious.”
“Me too,” he replies.
We spend the rest of the day with Sal. He watches me and Caleb play against Abby and Dean in a game of pickleball. We watch a few innings of the Rangers game on the TV in Sal’s room, and when dinnertime comes, we join him in the dining room so he can show off his perfect family some more.
As I pick at my food, I remember the looming situation of my two-week wait about to end. Which means I’ll have to test in the next couple of days. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is excitement or nervousness.
I rest my hand over my lower belly as I sit silently and ponder the situation. Somewhere deep in my heart, I know there isn’t a baby there. It’s a strange intuition, or maybe it’s just some form of self-preservation, but somehow I just know.
How do I feel about this?
The thought of a baby growing inside me,Caleb’s baby, is a comforting thought. But then what comes after that? A miserable pregnancy. Sleepless nights. Another two years of my life when my body belongs to someone else, growing and feeding another person. It’s exhausting but rewarding.
If only having a baby were as simple as my mother seems to think it is.
How much longer can we keep doing this? One disappointment after another, what is going to be left of me by the time I do get pregnant? My life is ticking by, day by day, and I’m terrified of filling these years of Abby’s childhood with the grief and pain of one negative test after another.
At what point do I just let it go and live?
My feelings are all over the place, made even more complicated by the prospect of Dean and everything he means to us.
There is a small part of me that wants to take a break from trying if this test is negative. Not to say I wouldn’t be ecstatic for the baby if it’s there. How would Caleb feel about that?
I can’t help but feel like these years of trying have been more about a positive test than an actual baby. But could I say that to him? Would his heart be broken? His hopes are up, and I can’t let him down.
After dinner, it’s time to say our goodbyes to Sal. I can see he’s exhausted from a long day. He slips in and out of lucidity, agitated with himself and getting more and more quiet as the time passes.
Abby hugs him tightly once he’s in his bed. The picture she drew for him at dinner is taped to the wall next to the TV so he can see it.
Dean struggles to leave his dad’s side, hugging him and holding his hand as if it’s the last time. Knowing it very well could be. They say their tearful goodbyes, and Dean promises to return tomorrow and the next day, while Sal insists that he doesn’t need to.
“Go have fun,” he mutters to his son as he squeezes his hand.
When Dean finally leaves the bed, I see how his lip trembles and his eyes moisten. Once we reach the lobby of the nursing home, I stop in my tracks.
“I think I forgot my phone,” I lie. “I’ll be right back.”
I run back into the room. Sal is lying in his bed, staring listlessly at the TV (or Abby’s photo) with tears in his eyes. I rush to his side and lean down to meet his gaze.
He smiles softly when he sees me, giving me a gentle nod. I don’t know if he’s with me consciously or if his mind has taken him somewhere else.
“We’re going to take care of him,” I frantically whisper. “I promise. He’ll never be alone.”
His eyes fill with tears as he smiles, and I know he knows. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I squeeze my arms around him, letting a sob rack through me. When I stand up, I quickly wipe my eyes.
I feel a kindred adoration for this man I just met today. My mother would say that feeling is God’s presence, but I think it’s love’s presence. He and I love the same person, and that binds us.
As I step away from his bed and to the door, I know I’ve given him something no one else could. I gave him peace.
I think about Abby and how I would feel in Sal’s position. Peace is all I’d want for my child.
As I walk back down the hallway toward the exit, I let my hand rest on my lower belly again.
If I want peace for my daughter, and for Dean and Caleb and even Sal, then why can’t I want peace for myself?
