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“Don’t do it, man,” Jeff muttered as he pulled me into a quiet corner away from our teammates. After he looked around to make sure no one was listening, he said, “What’s gotten into you, Caden? Does this have anything to do with last night?” He paused before hesitantly adding, “And the fact that Jamie is here, decked head to toe in your colors?”
He hadn’t said our colors, even though they were. I wasn’t the team, and he was wearing the team’s colors. But I was pretty sure we both knew it wasn’t the team Jamie was there for, even though I was almost afraid to hope any differently. Jeff could see right through me. There was a chance he’d even noticed me staring up into the stands instead of at the ice where I should have been looking. “No. I mean…I don’t know.”
He put a hand on my arm. “Listen, man. This game is riding on you being all in. We’re getting slammed out there, and we need you to focus and get your head in the game. Caden, do you think he came here to watch the first game of the season you manage to lose?” He had a point. That would be embarrassing. “I could tell it threw him a little last night when he walked onto that stage and saw a bunch of his classmates watching from a table as he got ready to dance almost naked on a pole. I saw the hesitation there, even if it was only for a second. But you know what he did? He owned it. With confidence. I need you to do the same right now. I know you can. I’ve seen you play.” He smirked.
Jeff was right. I could not cost us the game. Especially with Jamie in the stands, watching me, rooting for me. What was I doing?
We all headed back out onto the ice, and though I was determined to win, I couldn’t stop myself from glancing up there one more time. He had a corn dog in his hand. Everyone around him was cheering as we got back on the ice, no one was paying attention to him besides the girl who was obviously his friend. He looked right at me, mouthed, “You got this,” and then proceeded to deep throat the fucking corn dog. I almost fell. I’d only ever fallen on the ice once in a game, when I got into a fight and the opposing center tripped me. But I almost fell right then.
The girl beside him burst out laughing, and he did, too, but then he rubbed his fist across his chest in sign language for, “sorry,” and held up his hands placatingly. I choked on a laugh, but then turned away. I had to get my head in the game. And I also needed to show off a little bit, let him know what kind of player I really was. If it was the first time he’d ever seen me play, he was probably wondering how on earth I was some hot shot center that everyone recognized.
I was back. We kicked their asses. We came back with a vengeance in the last period and blew them off the ice. Jeff and I, earning our rep as the dream team, scored goal after goal, high-fiving every time our teamwork paid off. I even managed to do a little bodily harm to Brad without anyone noticing. Besides Brad, of course. And once, when I glanced up, Jamie appeared to notice as well. He was smiling at me again.
As soon as the game was over, my team freaked out and surrounded Jeff and me. The people in the stands were going crazy. But as we all made our way off the ice, my eyes found that glittery gold shirt five rows up. He was positively beaming as he watched me, and he gave me a thumbs up. For some reason, even with all the wins under my belt and the horrible first period I’d played, I’d never felt prouder.
???
There was a party at the fraternity house of a few of our teammates. It was kind of an impromptu thing, just a celebration of our win, but a lot of fans made their way there, too. Everyone was celebrating and happy. Well, everyone besides Brad and his two cronies who were glowering at me from across the room all night. They knew that at least the majority of the team would have my back, though, so they didn’t try anything. I ignored them. I knew Brad was mad that I’d elbow checked him then almost tripped him with my stick, but my feeling was that he shouldn’t randomly berate, threaten, and attack innocent people. If he thought it was ok to do that, then I thought it was ok to rough him up a little every time the opportunity arose.
My ex, Renee, was at the party. I kept moving away every time she tried to move toward me. I just wasn’t in the mood. She had been my longest relationship in college, even though we’d been on and off a lot. It had never fully meant to me what it had obviously meant to her. I tried to make it mean something. We hooked up a lot. We went on dates. We went to parties together. I thought that if I was with her long enough, I’d get those feelings, too, but I didn’t. She was good for the packaging. But that packaging had unraveled, and I didn’t feel like keeping up the charade.
Renee had always been an easy go-to if I wanted to appear to have a girlfriend, because she was always willing to go out with me or do anything else with me. I didn’t consciously use her in that way, but I’d later realized that’s what I’d been doing. We’d broken up so many times I lost count, but we always got back together. The last time I made sure she knew it was final, but she still didn’t seem to understand. Jeff noticed I was trying to avoid her, and he managed to keep occupying my time, pulling me away for one reason or another every time she got too close. God, I loved him.
I kept hoping I’d see Jamie there. He’d never been to a team party before, and I couldn’t recall seeing him at any party I was at, but I kept hoping he’d show up with a group of random fans. I just wanted to see him again. I wanted to talk to him. He didn’t appear, though, and I wasn’t really surprised, but I was still disappointed. He knew Brad would be there, so I hadn’t fully expected him to try it. I left early, anyway. I didn’t really want to be there that night if he wasn’t.
???
I kept trying to talk to Jamie all week. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but Caden-in-the-box seemed to think we’d figure it out if we just had the chance. Sometimes I would catch his eye in calculus, and he would give me that little smile, but then I either missed him in the quad, or I was with a group of teammates heading to practice. I tried to avoid walking with Brad after he attacked Jamie, but sometimes he was around. In those instances, Jamie would glance at us and move on, not even making eye contact with me. He refused to draw Brad’s attention to himself more than he already had by just existing.
I finally accomplished my goal on Wednesday, but only because I stalled and then hung around the quad, making myself late for practice. I didn’t care if I got yelled at by the coach, I had to talk to Jamie. I had to figure out what was going on and what to do with all the thoughts in my head. That kiss had ignited things inside of me that I hadn’t even known were there, let alone the things I was trying to hide. He wasn’t trying very hard to talk to me, and even though he’d come to support me at my game, that “See ya round,” was still lingering in my mind. I was confused and unsure of what any of it meant. Despite it all, thanks to the waiting and the overthinking, I knew what I wanted. And the thought that he might not want the same thing was really fucking with me.
He was walking down the sidewalk toward me nonchalantly, laughing at something on his phone. The irrational fear and jealousy that sprang up as I wondered if it was a boyfriend he was talking to nearly overwhelmed me, and the amount of emotion it caused me caught me off-guard. Maybe that kiss in the planetarium had been a heat-of-the-moment type thing. Maybe he’d been avoiding me because he was already taken, and he regretted his mistake.
He wasn’t looking at me, so I stepped into his path and said, “Hey.”
He stopped, startled. There was no guilt on his face when he smiled at me. “Hey.” That was good. I could work with that.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you all week,” I said, allowing a bit of vulnerability to shine through. He didn’t abuse it.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I just can’t seem to catch you out here, or asshole is around. I never even got your phone number.” Brad being around would be a problem for me too, but I didn’t really want to dwell on that. I wasn’t quite ready to let young Caden out of his box all the way, but at least I’d unwrapped the packaging.
Jamie seemed to be aware that I didn’t want to draw any of Brad’s homophobic attention onto myself, but he didn’t make me feel bad about it. He smiled again. “Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d really want to talk to me. And if you did, I thought you might need to…work some things out with yourself first. I figured if you wanted to find me, you would.” He paused. “And you did.”
I smiled back at him, and before I could chicken out or overthink, I let the other Caden guide me from the box. “I don’t know what nights you work, but could I take you somewhere sometime? Soon?” It was worded strangely, and he looked at me, waiting for me to say more. I tried again. “Like, on a date? Can I take you somewhere on a date sometime? Soon?” I was pretty sure I was babbling, so I paused, but then I remembered the other fear that had just surfaced. “Unless you’re already seeing someone. I’m not trying…I didn’t know if…I mean, if you want me to leave you alone, I can…just…” Who even was I? That was not the Caden everyone knew. I wasn’t shy or awkward. I was popular. I was loud, confident, and outgoing. Or maybe that was the other me, the one who’d forced the real Caden into that box and sealed it shut. Maybe the real Caden had never actually had the chance to grow and learn, and he was still that bumbling, awkward, horny teenager. Because that’s what I felt like as I stood there, rambling on and waiting hopefully for him to tell me that he liked me, too.
His smile turned into that amused look he had when I called him a kaleidoscope. “Stop talking.” I shut my mouth. What was wrong with me? His eyes had lit up with that trust he’d come to have when he looked at me, and the fact that I was the one who could elicit that reaction from him meant more to me than I could put into words. Pretty sure my heart swelled.
“I’m not seeing anyone,” he assured me, “In fact, I haven’t seriously dated since high school. So, chill.” He laughed a little, and I felt myself blush. But the relief I felt overpowered the embarrassment. “I told you I was waiting for you to be ready and come to me, because I wasn’t sure you ever would be, and I wasn’t sure how you were going to feel about that kiss the next day. But Caden…” Oh my god I loved hearing him say my name. “Yes. You can take me on a date.” His smile turned into a smirk and the way he worded it made it clear that he wanted to sound as though he’d be allowing it, not that he said he’d love to. Because he would forever be his own person, and I loved that about him already. “I’m off work this Friday night. Are you busy then?”
I mean…Ok, was the team meeting really that important? I already knew what the coach was going to say. It wasn’t like I was missing practice, or a game. Jeff would be there anyway, to relay any surprise information. “Nope. What time can I pick you up?”
He eyed me, keeping that little smirk. “You have a car?”
Damn. “Well…no.” I could find one. I could borrow one…
His smirk turned into an amused grin. “Then I’ll pick you up at seven? Six? You can direct me where to go. I have an extra helmet for you, I just didn’t have it at the club. Actually, you can just wear mine. The other one is my best friend Amber’s, and it’s neon pink. Meet me at the bus stop on the street outside your dorm. That way, no one will see us leave.”
