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He could have. And I wanted to tell him how strong and brave and amazing he was. What came out of my mouth was, “I love you.” It had bubbled out of my heart and refused to be contained any longer. It was the first time I’d ever said it to anyone who wasn’t my immediate family. It wasn’t exactly how I’d imagined saying it to someone I finally felt it for, because I knew Jamie was already emotionally overwhelmed, and the timing was odd. I didn’t want to cause him any panic.
Jamie’s hand paused on the dolphin. He slowly pulled himself up to his elbow and turned to look at me. “What did you just say?”
I swallowed. It was probably the worst time I could have chosen to say it. I thought I probably should have tried to hold it in for a calmer time, but I didn’t think those feelings were able to be contained any longer, once I realized what they’d meant the whole time. He’d heard me. I couldn’t take it back and I didn’t want to. Even if the timing was off, it was the truth. “I said I love you.” I looked him in the eye as I said it, but then I looked back at Amphitrite. Jamie’s hand was hanging loosely over the edge of the tank, near her head. She moved suddenly, bumping her head against his palm, and then nudging it with her nose. He startled, sitting up straight and looking at her, surprised. “I don’t think I’m the only one here who does,” I said with a smile.
His mouth opened and he looked like he couldn’t figure out what to address first. He rubbed her head, looking encouraged for the first time since I’d seen him working with her. “That’s the first time she’s interacted like that at all. I…it’s…” he looked at me.
“Jamie, you don’t have to say anything, I just wanted to say it. I needed to.” I wanted to give him an out. “I know all of this is a lot on you, and I wasn’t trying to add more, I swear. I just had to get my feelings out. I don’t need to hear it back-”
“Stop talking.”
I shut my mouth and looked over at his bossy self because that was definitely not the first time he’d said that to me when I was rambling.
He smiled at me. “I love you, too.”
Oh my God. I’d said I didn’t need to hear it back, but actually hearing it, I thought maybe I did. He loved me. I was pretty sure my heart exploded into fireworks. I was pretty sure it meant everything to me. “I need to kiss you so bad right now.” I looked around, and probably shocked him even more than I already had when I did just that. It was a quick kiss, but it was the first one we’d shared out in the open in the vicinity of our classmates. “I love you,” I said again, pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to stop saying it once I’d started.
He laughed. “Caden…”
Someone walked toward us at that moment, breaking the little spell the love haze had placed on us. Jamie quickly busied himself with Amphitrite. He gave her another pat and said something to her, then hopped up and wrote something on a chart before going over to say something to his professor. The professor watched as Jamie headed back to Amphitrite’s tank and went to offer her food again. The food he was offering her was a disgusting gruel of chopped up fish and who knew what else that smelled horrible, and that he touched with his bare hands. “Remind me to bleach your hands before they go anywhere near my dick again,” I whispered to him. He burst out laughing. And Amphitrite ate.
???
Jamie spent the night in the medical tent that night. We were there for a week. Sometimes we both stayed in the hotel they put the volunteers up in, and we managed to share a bed with no suspicion but also no fooling around because they had volunteers four to a room, sometimes five with a cot. Other times, though, he just kept working and didn’t sleep at all.
I felt more accomplished during that trip than I ever had in my life. I felt like I’d actually done something worth doing. Every time they took a bird I’d cleaned to release it, it made me smile. Even the asshole seagull. I watched throughout the week as they took fish, turtles and sharks in tanks on the backs of trucks to release them in clean water. I saw people from all different backgrounds come together with one goal- to help the animals. I watched as volunteer crews worked to clean the water and the beaches. And I watched the man I loved doing the thing he was the most passionate about. He was helping them. He was saving them.
I rode with Jamie and his group to help them carry Amphitrite the day they released her back into the ocean. She was swimming around curiously in the tank they’d placed her in on the back of the truck, bright and alert. The dolphin none of them thought would survive. The dolphin Jamie had saved.
I took part of the tarp they placed her in, and we lifted her from the tank and carried her a few yards across the beach to the clean water where she could thrive. She looked confused, but she did seem to trust Jamie. We walked out into the ocean a little above our waists before lowering the tarp and letting her swim. She tentatively tested the water but swam a little closer to Jamie. He pet her near her dorsal fin like he had in the tent. “Go on, Amphitrite,” he said softly, “Go out there and live for me.”
He watched as she swam forward, a moment later leaping happily into the air. He was smiling, but I saw the tears in his eyes. She came back to him once. He held out his hand, and she bumped his palm with her head and then nudged it with her nose, just like she had on that first night. He gave her head another rub. “Bye, girl. Go have fun.” Then she was gone. He took my hand under the water and no one noticed.
I couldn’t count the number of times he tried to tell me our love was what healed her. Even though I liked the theory, my reply every time was, “She might have felt our love, but the best damn marine biologist I’ve ever seen is who saved her.” He always told me he wasn’t a marine biologist yet, but he still beamed every time I said it.
???
By February, Jamie and I were planning a spring break trip for just the two of us. Our friends all wanted to go on a road trip in the summer, but we wanted spring break to ourselves. We wanted to go somewhere none of our classmates would end up. Somewhere colder than Florida. Maybe more open-minded so we could be ourselves. With snow, preferably. We settled on a ski trip to Lake Tahoe. It was far enough away we were confident we wouldn’t see anyone we knew. I wasn’t sure how the actual skiing would go, since I hadn’t been skiing since I was a little kid, and Jamie had never even seen snow, but we were going to try.
My parents had questioned why I wasn’t coming to see them during spring break since I had the previous years, never feeling like keeping up the charade in a drunken mob of my closest thousand friends. When I told them I was going somewhere with friends, they asked which friends. When I told them I was an adult and they didn’t need to keep tabs on who I traveled with, their feelings were hurt because they were just trying to remain a part of my life. I knew there would be even more questions if I didn’t post any pictures of spring break. And that’s how I knew. I had to tell them. I was in love, and that wasn’t going to change. The real Caden was out of the box, and there was no way he was going back in.
Jamie let himself into my room through the unlocked door. We were supposed to meet our friends at the library to study, but I’d just made a life-changing decision. I smiled at Jamie, but he knew me well enough to know instantly that I was freaking out internally. I was trying not to let it show, but I was panicking, and I knew I couldn’t hide it from him. It was hard for me to come out to anyone, but I felt like my parents were going to be the hardest, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Gavin’s dad’s reaction. I hoped my family didn’t turn their backs on me completely.
Jamie rushed over to me. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said, but even I could hear the tremor in my voice, “I just decided something. I’m going to video call my parents. Will you stay here with me?” He looked a little confused but nodded and sat down near the foot of my bed, rubbing my shin comfortingly as I started the call.
My mom answered right away. “Hey, Mom,” I said simply, even though the words sounded a little sullen.
She smiled brightly, regardless of my mood. “Hey, sweetie. What’s the occasion?”
“Is dad around? I have…something important to tell you, and I’d like for you both to be there when I do.” At the foot of my bed, Jamie’s eyes widened. My mom yelled for my dad. A moment later, they were both visible in the kitchen of the home I grew up in, and I could see my nosy little sister hovering around behind them.
“What is it, sweetheart?” My mom asked me.
They were looking at me expectantly. No choice but to go through with it. “I, um, I’ve been seeing someone.”
“I knew it!” Cindy cried behind them.
