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“They asked me if I was ok. I told them I was, but finished the dance on the floor because I didn’t want to fall again, and it also hurt like a bitch at first. They stayed up near the stage, and they asked me again after the dance. I realized they weren’t asking me if I was physically ok that time. One of them handed me a twenty, but he made me lean in to get it, and he asked me in a whisper if they needed to tell Tristan about anyone in the room. I just told them no, and that I was fine. I must have reacted when I looked out at the crowd or something. But I just wanted to finish dancing and get backstage again before he figured out who he was looking at.”
I put my arm around him again, but more carefully. I rubbed my hand up and down his right arm. Jamie sighed and went on, “I’m sure he’s in town for work, because he travelled around the state a lot even back then. He ended up skipping out on his bar tab, so he won’t ever be welcomed back. I almost wonder if he figured out who I was and that’s why he took off, because he wanted to get away as badly as I did. I don’t know, but seeing him, I just…it brought everything back. I can usually block it out, but not tonight.”
“Oh, god, Jamie.” I pulled him to me, still trying to be mindful of the bruises. His facade broke completely, and in that moment I think he became the wounded thirteen-year-old boy he hadn’t been able to allow himself to be back then. Back when he’d had no one to hold him, no one who loved him to listen and be there for him. He had to protect himself, block it all out. It had been fight or flight in his life, and that time he’d chosen flight. He’d taken off, and I kind of got the feeling that the only times he’d allowed his mind to wrap around the things he’d been through was the night he’d met his mom, and maybe during therapy. Not before or since. He’d even sounded kind of far away from it when he’d told me, which was probably why he could speak it aloud.
I wanted to be the person he didn’t have when he was younger. I wanted to make sure he knew how loved he was. “Baby,” I said softly, my face in his hair, “You know you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, right? You went through so much in your life, and you came out of it this beautiful soul, unapologetically yourself, who has such a love of life, of the world, of people, that it makes other people’s love for those things grow, too. You could have become bitter and jaded, and I think that’s what would have happened to most people, but you didn’t. You became a fighter. You fight for the earth, for the little guy, for the people you love, and for yourself. You work so hard for what you want, and you fight for your dreams. I’m so proud of you. You find such joy in things I wouldn’t have even noticed. You bring that joy into my world, too, and you make me see the world differently. I am so lucky to have you. You are so beautiful, inside and out. And I love you so, so much.”
“Caden,” he whispered. He was crying as I held him to my chest.
Suddenly, the setting seemed much too public. Jamie could show his vulnerability to me sometimes because he trusted me, but I didn’t think he’d love it if someone else came along and saw him crying there. I could still hear the party raging. We weren’t that far from civilization. “Hey, do you want to go back to my dorm?” I asked him. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, though, because it wasn’t the night for anything more. “I just want to hold you, baby. Somewhere a little more private while you’re upset.”
He looked up at me and seemed to understand what I was thinking. He nodded, wiping his eyes. I kept my arm around him all the way back to my dorm. We didn’t pass anyone, but right then, I didn’t care if we did. He needed me more than I needed to protect my reputation.
He spent the night in my arms in my bed. Jeff texted me to see where I was, but I just told him I’d gone home. Jamie cried himself to sleep on my chest pretty quickly, and I just sat there scrolling through my phone while I held him.
I was still awake when Jesse got back, and he could obviously tell something was wrong because he whispered, “Everything ok?” I wasn’t sure if it was because we were fully clothed in my bed, or if he noticed the tear streaks through the make-up on Jamie’s face, but I just gave a sad little nod. Was Jamie ok? No, not right then. But he would be. He was the strongest person I’d ever met. But even the strongest people needed someone to hold them sometimes.
???
“Does this look ok?” Jamie came out of the bathroom of my dorm in black pleather pants and a jersey with my name and number on it. Ok? He wanted to know if he looked ok? He looked so hot in my jersey that I wanted to rip the pants off and fuck him against the wall with the jersey still on. I calmed myself, though, because I had a game, and we didn’t have anything close to that kind of time.
Jamie had asked repeatedly if I was sure it was alright that he wore my jersey, a few times before he even bought it at the campus store. Even the fact that probably at least fifty people in that crowd would be wearing the same jersey aside, I was ok with it. I liked it, actually. I was almost there. Really.
“You look fantastic,” is what I said, because he did, but I was pretty sure from the way his pupils dilated that he could hear the undertones in my voice. “And you look like you’re mine,” I growled, unable to stop myself. I stalked over there and snatched him up off the floor. He laughed as his legs wrapped around my hips. Our lips had just connected as Jesse walked through the door.
I set Jamie back on the floor as he continued laughing. “Oh, don’t mind me, beauties,” Jesse said, “Please continue. I’ll close my eyes. Promise.” He held up his crossed fingers. I just laughed.
“You coming to the game?” I asked Jesse.
“Of course, love,” Jesse replied, “There’s a lot riding on this one. If you win, only one more and you’re in the playoffs. And I’m going to be there to see it because you’ve obviously got this. I mean, Jamie’s going to be there, after all.” He grinned at Jamie. Jamie as my good luck charm was a long-standing assumption in our circle. I was good, I’d always been good, but it had been my best season yet, by far.
Jamie wasn’t going to be at the final game before the playoffs because he had to work. That was ok. His ass before the game seemed to be just as lucky as his presence there. I kissed him again and grabbed my gear, heading out to meet Jeff and let Jamie walk with Jesse, Caitlin, and Amber.
???
I found them all in the crowd near the front: Jesse, Amber, Jamie, and Caitlin, rooting for us. Amber was wearing my jersey, too, because even though I’d told him I was fine with it, Jamie was still worried about it. Caitlin and Jesse were wearing Jeff’s number. “Don’t want you to feel left out, darlin’,” Caitlin had told him with a laugh.
I glanced over there every time I scored. It wasn’t even a conscious thing it was just an instinct. They were all cheering, but there was a proud look on Jamie’s face, too. I wanted it committed to my memory forever. He was proud of me. And although I’d made that box I’d hid in to please everyone around me, he was the only one whose pride in me had ever actually mattered.
I thought about the first time I’d spotted him in the arena. How long ago that seemed. How far we’d come. He didn’t deep throat a corn dog again, but I still couldn’t stop myself from smiling back at him every time I looked over there, even with my mouth guard in. I couldn’t tell if anyone else noticed, but Jeff sure did. He shook his head with a grin every time he caught me looking at the person who held all of me. Heart, soul, and body. Jamie owned me completely, and I wondered if he even knew it.
We started out well in the second period, just like the first. The other team was pissed, though, and when I accidentally tripped their center, it was on. He didn’t even fall, but he still apparently hated my guts for it. He came at me before my brain caught up with what was happening, and we both went sprawling to the ice. The crowd roared on both sides, theirs cheering and ours in anger. I heard the whistle, but the dude was literally on top of me trying to punch me everywhere I wasn’t protected. Oh, hell no. Sorry, man.My boyfriend is watching and he’s proud of me and I’m not about to be humiliated tonight.
Adrenaline surged through me, and I shoved him up and off me. I followed him and switched our places, ending up above him as he tried to reorient himself after the surprising turn of events. I had my fist in the air to land the first punch, but then we were surrounded.
Jeff was pulling me off the guy, whispering something about “no penalties,” our teammates were starting to attack each other in retribution, and the refs were almost on us. The crowd was eating it up. I heard my name being chanted from somewhere in the stands.
Riled up by the fact that they were rooting for me and I hadn’t even gotten a good punch in, I managed to pull away from Jeff while he was distracted by the fight that had broken out around us, and I rushed the center, landing a hard punch to his gut where I knew there was no padding to protect him. He doubled over with an oof as I hissed, “I didn’t mean to trip you, you prick.” But then the referee was there blowing his whistle, and that move had me in the penalty box for the next five minutes.
I glanced at Jamie again as I was escorted off the ice, hoping I wouldn’t see disappointment on his face. He must have turned into a true hockey fan because I saw the opposite. He looked like he wanted to scale the plexiglass and join me for a little penalty delight. I smirked and sat down without complaining. Jeff could handle the next five minutes without me. I wasn’t worried. Even if Jeff did give me a dirty look for sneaking a punch in and getting myself in trouble.
When I got back on the ice, the guy had it out for me, but I wasn’t giving him the satisfaction. I really liked that look I got from up in the stands, from the only person whose opinion I cared about. And there was no way I was going to let some asshole make me look weak after that. I elbow checked him once, and no one seemed to notice. He tried to catch me off-guard again and came at me when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, but I moved at the last minute and let him slam into the boards. I laughed at that one. “Nice try,” I said as Jeff sent the puck toward me and I skated away to score again.
We kicked their asses, of course, after all, Jamie was there. The crowd was going crazy, and my team was cheering on the ice. I caught Jamie’s eye, and I committed the look to memory. It was something I never wanted to forget. The look of pride on his face meant everything to me. Because from up in the stands, he knew that the current hockey hero on the ice was his, even if almost no one else did. I stood there, probably grinning like an idiot, as Tyler and Declan skated by me. They both gave a little laugh after they followed my gaze, and Declan whispered, “Get it, Caden!” I just laughed, too, and followed my team to the locker room.
???
Jamie sent me a text while I was standing there in a towel, trying to get my clothes out of my locker. Hey. I just found out my roommate is at a party. Do you already have plans?
