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I don’t shove it down, not like before.
It’s…placed to the side. There and palpable and I’m aware of it. Not ignoring. Not pretending it doesn’t exist.
That’s a lesson in futility.
The feelings are real.
And I’m acknowledging them.
And now I’m putting my energy where it’s better suited.
Look at me, I can be healthy too.
Give the girl a medal.
“Can I get one of those, Mom?” Roxie asks, pointing at the screen and the piece of crap toy the kid in the video is pretending is awesome.
I lightly ruffle her hair then lean down and press a kiss to her forehead. “Nice try, boo-boo. But you’ve already got pedis and brunch.”
“Aw man,” she says.
But she’s smiling, knowing that she’s pushed me as far as she’s able.
And for the first time since she came into my room a full thirty-six hours before, I breathe out a sigh of relief.
She’s going to be okay.
* * *
I don’t know the moment that I lost my battle with sleep, but I’m drawn back to consciousness by the sound of soft voices.
“…no,” Stefan is saying, “don’t wake her. I just need to step out to make a couple of phone calls and rearrange a few appointments.”
Diane sighs and her tone is sharper than normal, cutting through the last of my sleep-hazed mind. “Does Brit know what those appointments are about?”
“Mom,” he says on a sigh. “I’ve had enough of this conversation.”
“Well, I haven’t,” she snaps. “If you filing for divorce from the woman you love wasn’t enough then being in the hospital with your daughter who’s recovering from surgery should be the reality check you need.”
“Mom.”
“You need to tell her.”
Tell me what?
I want to move, to pop my head up and demand he talk to me, fucking talk to me.
Finally.
But if I hold still, if I pretend to be asleep, maybe I’ll find out the real reason he left me.
And I have the feeling that’s far more important than interjecting myself into this conversation. Because I know Stefan’s tone. It’s locking into stubborn as fuck, the same kind of impenetrable stubborn I battled through numerous times in my relationship with him.
The same kind of stubborn he can never maintain in the face of his mom.
Because he and Diane have been through too much together.
Because he loves his mom with all the fierce protectiveness of a son looking after his mother.
