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Alek’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve gone very pale. There’s no need to look so morose, Ian. I’m not about to break your heart.”
Some of the color returned to Ian’s face, but Alek would keep close watch so he could dive out of the way if Ian vomited.
“Before you saved me,” Alek began. “Before you sent me here, I would have said I don’t deserve you, that you deserve so much more than me, but I think you’ve always been exactly what I needed, and a lot of the time that wasn’t fair to you, and though I may be able to forgive myself, I’ll never stop apologizing for hurting you.
“I am so sorry, Ian. For the pain I’ve caused you directly, for the torment I can only imagine you’ve been through over the last six months, for the two months I left you alone while I’ve been here.
“I know I’m still getting better, that there’s still work to do, and I might relapse now and again, but now that I know I want to live, I want to live with you, and if that’s not what you want, or you’d rather wait until I prove that I can be well, I understand and I will respect that and?—”
“Shut up and kiss me. Of course, I want you. I love you.”
Ian yanked Alek by his shirt, his other hand in Alek’s hair, and they collided in a kiss that was wet with tears and messy with emotion. Somewhere in the fray, Alek found himself straddling Ian’s lap without knowing exactly how he’d gotten there.
The world was spinning so fast around them they might be swept off the edge of the cliff, but Alek wasn’t scared because asfar as he was concerned, not even the promise of death could stop this kiss?—
There was a tap on his shoulder and a disembodied, “Ahem.”
It took sheer force of will to pull away, but Alek did and when he saw Rick, a gentleman he’d spent a great deal of time with during his earlier bouts of twenty-four-hour suicide watch, Alek wiped his mouth and said, “Your timing, Richard, is as impeccable as ever.”
Ian’s ears were an adorable shade of crimson.
“Public displays of affection are not allowed,” Rick said. “You may kiss like you’d kiss your great-aunt, but you cannot kiss like that.”
“We were just leaving,” said Alek, hopping off Ian’s lap. “Come along, Ian. The last stop on our tour is my bedroom.”
Breathless, Ian said, “You’ll have to give me a minute.”
A short while later, after Ian’s erection had become far less likely to be seen by passersby, Alek led Ian to his room, stopping outside the open door.
“Are private displays of affection allowed?” Ian asked lowly, his face still flushed.
“Unfortunately, not. There are cameras everywhere but the bathroom. No audio, but still very Orwellian.”
“Do you know when you’ll get out?” Ian asked as he followed Alek into the room.
“About that…” Alek stepped aside.
His room was empty except for the packed duffle on the bed, considerably fuller now than when Ian had first brought it.
“I could stay,” Alek said. He ducked his head and dragged his fingers through his hair. “As of last Thursday, I’ve elected to continue my treatment here on a voluntary basis, just until I decide where I’ll go and how I’ll receive follow-up care, but if I know where I’m going, and you’re ready to have me, I can leavetoday.” Alek’s pulse thundered in his ears. “I’m not suicidal. Haven’t been in weeks. My medications have reached therapeutic levels. I’m no longer seeing things that only I can see. There’s nothing to keep me here, though I’ll stay if you think I should.”
“What does your doctor say?” Ian asked, his face impassive.
“Dr. Dhawan says, and I quote, ‘I trust your judgment.’ High praise, don't you think?” Alek grinned. “Dr. Dhawan’s been treating me from afar. I’ve done the work, Ian. I’m ready, and until you sent that ad for the Victorian, and I finally read your letters, I was planning to go my own way to spare you from my drama and angst, to give you a chance at a happier life, but it wasn’t just that. I was afraid. Iamafraid. If I go back to you, I could hurt you again. You could leave me and that terrifies me. But what if I don’t hurt you? What if you don’t leave? What if we live happily ever after and I missed all of that because I was scared?
“Fear is only proof you are alive. My uncle—” Alek stopped. It would take some time to get used to. “My father always said that. I used to think he meant that I should accept fear as something meaningless, something as automatic as breathing, and something I could ignore just as easily. I spent years without fear and now I see I wasn’t really living—until I met you—and loving you made me so scared I let fear rule me until it nearly ruined everything.
“I think I misunderstood my father’s lesson. I think he meant that there’s no reward without risk. That anything worth doing will be scary, but that I should do it anyway. That fear should be felt, faced, and conquered. That there is no life without something to fear. I want to be with you, Ian, even if it's scary. If you’re ready, I’d like to leave with you today.”
Ian chewed on his lip for an agonizing handful of seconds. “My answer is yes.”
Relief made Alek’s knees weak.
“But only if you marry me on Monday,” Ian added with a wince, like the ultimatum was one he hadn’t wanted to resort to. “I can’t go through this again, Alek. I’m sorry, but if you’re hospitalized again, I have to know how you’re doing. It’s not that I think you won’t stay better?—”
Alek lifted his hands. “I want that too. In fact, I’d marry you today if that’s what you really want, but I don’t think you do. When we marry, it will be for love and not fear.” From the duffle, Alek retrieved the papers he’d left at the top and passed them to Ian. “I had Llewyn draft these. It’s a so-called psychiatric advance directive—I’ve made my wishes known (and legally binding) that should I become mentally incapacitated again, you are to remain updated on my condition and make decisions in my stead. It’s all the power you’d have as my husband. I want you to have it. I trust you.”
“I didn’t even know that was a thing.” He held Alek’s gaze. “Thank you. When the timingisright, the offer still stands. I want my ring back on your finger, and my last name at the end of yours.” Ian hoisted the duffle over his shoulder and pulled Alek into a more G-rated kiss. “Let’s get you back to the Victorian where you belong.”
