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“What way am I supposed to take it?”
Ian stood and dropped in front of Alek a few steps below. He opened Alek’s knees like a book and rested his cheek on Alek’s thigh.
“Let me be very clear,” Ian said in a gravelly murmur. “I want to touch you.” He spread his left hand wide and dragged it up the inside of Alek’s thigh. “I want to have sex with you.” He squeezed the growing erection Alek had been trying to ignore. “I am still attracted to you.” He removed his hand and lifted his head. “What’s going on with me has nothing to do with my desire for you, or my love for you. I haven’t done anything I haven’t wanted to. That’s always been the case and that will never change. Understand?”
“Understand? Yes. Convinced? No.”
Ian rose up on his knees and forced Alek’s good hand to palm the enthusiastic hard-on that tented his pants.
“Earlier today, I wanted it. I knew I wasn’t ready, but—” Ianreleased Alek’s hand. “I don’t trust myself anymore. I second-guess everything.”
As long as Alek knew Ian, he’d been decisive, self-assured, confident. Alek had made Ian question himself. He changed a core part of Ian’s personality for the worse.
“I second-guess everything except choosing you,” Ian amended as if he’d mistaken the reason behind Alek’s sudden despondency. “The two times we’ve been together since we broke up have been perfect, but then I get these flashes of the nights I thought you were sleeping with somebody else.” Ian’s Adam's apple bobbed. “In those moments when I’m spiraling, I can’t help but think what is wrong with me? I want to have sex with you after everything you’ve done to hurt me. What does that make me?”
Alek bit the inside of his cheek to avoid answering, “Horny?” Instead he said, “The only respect that matters is the respect you have for yourself. It doesn’t make you weak to take me back. I can tell you exactly what kind of man that makes you. Someone who forgives. Someone who is so much more than I deserve.”
“Alek…”
“I won’t make any excuses. What’s done is done,” Alek spoke over him. “But I never, ever thought you would let me bring another person into our home. When you did, I couldn’t think beyond how badly that hurt. That you could let me go without a fight. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have a plan B. I should have known you’d be stubborn.
“It was a stupid ultimatum. I could have ended it before it began but I was stubborn too. I hate myself for what I did. For causing you a moment of pain. I hope you know how much I suffered alongside you. How much I didn’t want to do what I did. I’m so sorry. The things I’ve done to you are unforgivable.”
“Not unforgivable to me.” Ian kissed the back of Alek’s hand. “I know you only did what you did because you love me. It’s notyour fault that no one taught you what love is supposed to feel like.”
“I stand by what I said. You are more than I deserve.”
“Agree to disagree.” Ian’s face sobered. “I still have one more question to ask you.”
“Let’s hear it, then.” Alek braced for yet another vexing question.
Ian looked up with earnest eyes. “How can I make this right?”
Alek scoffed. “How should I know? Sex was the only thing that always came easy for us.”
“I wasn’t talking about sex. I lied to you…”
Alek picked at the cotton fluff on the inside of his cast. “If I recall correctly, your rules said that if one of us lies, our relationship is over.”
“No. Alek, I don’t want that. Wait. Is that what you want?”
“Hardly, but what I want isn’t always what’s best.” Alek looked over Ian’s head. He felt like someone was watching them. Maybe the fox was lurking unseen. He forced his eyes back to Ian. “I don’t think I make you very happy.” He twirled the vintage band wrapped around his finger. “If I was out of the picture, you could find someone who doesn’t break things.”
Alek’s heart thrashed in his chest like a bird beating its wings against a too-tight cage. He meant what he said, but he was terrified of what would come next. What if Ian agreed? Would he want him to leave straight away? What if Alek wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet?
“Look at me.” Ian tilted Alek’s chin up. His voice was gentle, but his face was furious. “We’re not doing that. I don’t want you to ever suggest something like that again.”
Alek let out the breath he’d been holding, but instead of relief, he felt like a coward. Instead of hope, he was filled with self-loathing.
“I get to decide what’s good for me, not you,” Ian said. “You think you don’t make me happy, Alek, but you do. You’re the only person who makes me laugh. You’re my best friend. I want to know every thought inside your head just so I can have more of you. Yeah, there’ve been some dark times, but that was three weeks. Three weeks out of three of the happiest years of my life. So don’t misunderstand me. You may have hurt me, but when it comes to you, I’d take nothing back. Now tell me you won’t leave.”
“Fine.” Alek crossed his arms. “I won’t leave.”Yet, he added silently.
Ian moved to hug Alek so fast he flinched.
“I know we can still fix this.” The timbre of Ian’s deep voice rumbled against Alek’s chest. “I know it seems like it’s too much, like we’ll never be able to move past this, but we can. We will. I’ll be patient with you. Please be patient with me.”
Alek wanted to believe Ian, but he wouldn’t allow hope to make a fool of him again.
