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“Things will never get better. I am unlovable. Everyone would be better off without me,” Dr. Dhawan said. “Sometimes the thoughts we have about ourselves, or the world, can be incorrect. Those erroneous thoughts are called cognitive distortions.
“Just as with the piano, there are neural pathways that form when we think these thoughts, and the longer we believe them, the more they become cemented in our mind. But if we can identify and change those thoughts; talk back to them, if you will, we can reshape those pathways into something more healthy, something more honest.”
Alek stifled a yawn. He roved his eyes over Ian, snagging on the prominent veins drawn across his forearms. Now that Alek had been rendered nearly handless, he’d become very familiar with the way those muscles flexed and tensed whilst Ian jerked him off.
“If we go back to the cognitive distortions I mentioned earlier, we might change them into something else. Things could get worse, but they could also get better. Iamworthy of love. The world would not be better off without me. There are people here who would miss me if I died.”
“I thought most psychiatrists pushed pills, not talk therapy,” Alek said.
“I consider medication and therapy equally important. Research supports it, especially for long-term outcomes.”
Alek was doubtful; talk therapy might work for the masses, but his demons weren’t so easily exorcized.
“Most psychiatrists share the same opinion, though they usually don’t have enough time to conduct the therapy themselves.” She shielded one side of her mouth with her hand like she was sharing a secret. “I’m a little controlling, and prefer to dig into therapy myself, especially in the beginning.” She dropped her hand. “Having said that, if you’re not comfortable speaking to me, I’m happy to referyou to one of the therapists I employ, or help you find one elsewhere.”
He shook his head. The fewer people he had to talk to, the better. “Please continue.”
“Very well. Let’s move on. Does Ian know the worst thing you’ve ever done?”
“No.”
“Do you think Ian loves you?”
“I think he thinks he does.”
“That makes perfect sense.” Dr. Dhawan surprised him by agreeing. “I imagine you don’t actually feel like Ian loves you because he doesn’t know the whole truth about you. If it’s really so terrible, doesn’t Ian deserve to know?”
Alek scowled at Ian, half-expecting him to mouth “I told you so”, but far from haughty, Ian was chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip, his book abandoned on the duvet.
“Shouldn’t Ian get to decide if he loves the real you?” she continued. “How would you describe the current state of your relationship?”
Alek stiffened. “Why are you so fixated on my love life?”
“It can speak to the state of your mental health. If you’d rather not answer?—”
“Our relationship is in its death throes and we’re both in denial,” Alek said.
“Ian, what would you say?” Dr. Dhawan asked.
Ian reached a heavy hand out to muss Alek’s hair.
“Other than that being the most dramatic thing he’s ever said?” Ian framed Alek’s face with his hands so Alek had no choice but to make eye contact. “It isn’t denial to fight for someone that’s worth fighting for.”
The fervency of Ian’s vow left Alek so flustered, he felt like he’d stuck his finger in a light socket. Charged and giddy, his heart racing and body hot.
When Ian released him, Alek said, “There you have it. Denial.”
“I can see why you’d think that, Alek.” Dr. Dhawan nodded enthusiastically. “How could you be worth fighting for? Ian doesn’t even know what he’s fighting for, right? He doesn’t know the parts that make you unlovable. That’s what you think, right?” She smiled and dropped the intensity in her voice. “You won’t be able to feel his love, or love yourself until you’re honest with him, and yourself.”
“Are you this pushy with all of your patients?” Alek said. “It seems rather irresponsible.”
The psychiatrist laughed heartily. “You’re very honest.” She sobered. “I push because sometimes that’s the only way to challenge those cognitive distortions. Why don’t you tell me about the symptoms you’ve been experiencing,”
It was a welcome change in topic.
“Hasn’t Dr. Modorovic already given you her laundry list of concerns?”
“She has, but I’d like to know what concernsyou. Which of your symptoms do you find most troubling?”
