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“Couldn’t I try the trazodone first?”
“You could, but I’d rather come on strong so your symptoms improve rapidly. The antidepressant will take six weeks to reach full effect. Remember, untreated severe depression is terminal.”
The silence that followed was oppressive.
“It’s important to think about your depression as a medical condition. If you had an infection, you’d take your antibiotics, right? If you had diabetes, you’d take your insulin.”
While Alek understood the metaphor, it didn’t make the pill any easier to swallow. He’d already lost so much of who he was. Would the medications make him even more of a stranger to himself? What if they kept his music from coming back?
“I’d like to see you twice a week until your symptoms stabilize. Do Tuesdays and Thursdays work?”
“My social calendar is surprisingly empty.”
“Wonderful. Start the meds as soon as you can get the prescriptions filled, ideally today. I must warn you that there is a small risk of suicide when starting an antidepressant. It’s postulated that the initial increase in energy that comes from feeling better might spur those with suicidal intent to act on their previous plans.
“But that doesn’t mean that the medications are bad. Antidepressants save lives all over the world every day. It’s just something to look out for. If you find yourself having suicidalthoughts, you must tell me. Both of you can reach out to me. If I’m not available, head straight to the emergency room, okay?”
Ian’s face was pale. Alek squeezed his hand.
“I understand how upsetting the topic might be, but I’m not worried,” she said. “I’ve seen this before. I know how to treat it.”
Ian nodded, some of the color returning to his cheeks.
“Remember, you can always call or email me. Unless you have any other questions, I’ll see you on Thursday.”
Alek ended the call and passed the laptop to Ian.
“That was very brave of you,” Ian said. “Being as honest as you were, admitting that you need help, and accepting it.”
Alek dipped his head to hide his face. “I’m not brave. I was so afraid of losing you, I tried to break you just to keep you with me.” Alek bit into the side of his cheek until he tasted blood.
Ian grazed his thumb across Alek’s cheek. “Fear is only proof you are alive. Isn’t that one of your Alekisms?”
“Excuse me?Alekisms?”
“Yes. Sage advice and proverbs.Let me think of another one…” He chewed on his bottom lip and then snapped his fingers. “Hoping is foolish.Lying is survival.I don't agree with all of them, but the one about fear is on point. You can be afraid and still be brave. Do you think an outnumbered army slaughtered on the battlefield wasn’t brave? Wasn’t afraid?”
“So now that I’ve fucked you at your own behest, what does that mean for us?” Alek changed the subject. “Any regrets?”
Ian rumbled a laugh. “No. You?”
“I got to put my dick inside a place I never thought I’d be allowed back in. What do you think?”
“I think you owe me an apology for that death throes comment,” Ian said in an erection-inducing baritone. He grabbed Alek by the scruff of his hair and pulled him down to his lap.
“I am sorry about that—” Alek’s voice was cut off by a mouthful of cock.
As was typically the case, Ian turned Alek’s punishment into a reward, lavishing heaps of filthy praise as he held an approving hand around the side of Alek’s throat and jerked him skillfully until they both came, breathless and messy and together.
33
ALEK
TWO MONTHS LATER
“No. Not C-D-E.” Alek massaged his temple. “C-E-G.”
“Like this?” Ian asked, his fingers bashing three clashing keys that were definitely not C, E, and G.
