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Over his shoulder, Alek said, “Come along and fuck me now before I’m neutered by psych meds again.”
For the first time in far too long, Alek wanted it. Maybe they couldn’t say goodbye with words, but they could have sex that said goodbye. They could be together one last time.
He shed his clothes on the way, climbed into bed, closed his eyes, and waited.
Ian’s heavy footfalls resonated on the floorboards like music. There was the metallic clinking of his belt buckle undone, the ragged swish of his pants shed, the creak of the bed, the weight Ian displaced as he climbed on top of him. The scent of ancient forests and sun shining through leaves.
“Open your eyes,” Ian said.
“I don’t want to.”
“Come on, love. Let me see those gorgeous eyes.”
Alek opened his eyes with a pout and Ian rewarded him with a hand to the side of his neck that made Alek shatter into a thousand shards like broken glass that cut and pricked fingers and spilled blood because he didn’t deserve Ian’s approval, he didn’t deserve Ian’s claiming of him, he didn’t deserve anything and Ian deserved so much more than him and soon he would have it.
Ian took Alek’s mouth in a kiss that pointed fingers, flung accusations, saidI know what you’re doing and I hate you for it. Then he snatched a bottle of lube off the end table, popped the top one-handed, and poured it over his cock.
Just as impatient, Alek spread his legs and pulled his knees up. With the hand still at Alek’s neck, Ian pinned him to the mattress and pushed inside with one quick roll of his hips.
Alek’s back bowed at the shock of pain cut with pleasure, at being filled to the brim with no preparation. Digging his nails into Ian’s biceps, Alek bit the inside of his cheek to stifle the cry that almost tore from his mouth.
Ian fucked him rough and angry and sad and resigned as tears fell from his eyes for Alek to catch with his tongue, but it wasn’t enough so Alek arched up to taste them from his cheeks, and it still wasn’t enough, so Alek opened his mouth and tangled their tongues in a kiss that tasted like salt and the end of everything and it still wasn’t enough. Ian could paint Alek’s insides with come and drown him in an ocean of tears and slit their palms in a blood bond, and none of it would ever be enough.
Ian’s tears dried. His eyes turned predatory. He slammed into Alek like he was a hole to rut in until he got off, like he hated him, like he didn’t care at all and as much as Alek deserved that, this couldn’t be how they said goodbye.
“Stop,” Alek said.
Ian stopped and pulled out, but the emptiness was worse.
Wordlessly, Ian climbed off of him and left for the bathroom. The lock clicked shut, the tap ran. Alek could imagine him there, hands braced on the vanity, head bent over the sink, castigating the fuck out of himself for losing control, for taking instead of giving, when it was Alek who was guilty.
Ian came back and sat at the edge of the bed. “Did I hurt you?”
Alek shook his head. “Can we try again, but make it a little less hate-fucky?”
“No.”
“But you always give me what I want.”
“And you never do.” Ian’s tone was flat, his emotions clamped down so tightly, that Alek could hear the bomb ticking. Pleading now, Ian said, “Why can’t you give me what I want? Stay. Take the medications. Don’t do this.”
“I am taking my meds.”
“Lies. Lies. Fucking lies!” Ian roared. He jumped to his feet, fisting his hands in his hair while he paced beside the bed.
Even though he was completely broken inside,Alek forced himself to become cold and sneering. He shot Ian an incredulous look, like he was a child throwing the most ridiculous of tantrums. That’s what the old Alek would have done.
Ian halted his pacing, the stillness so sudden and eerie that a shiver pricked and poked its way across Alek’s body.
Calmer now. Stoic even, Ian loomed over him and said, “This is your last chance. If you don’t come clean. If you don’t let me help you, you won’t like what happens.”
“Oh?” Alek taunted. “What are you going to do? Leave me? I thought you said you’d never do that.Liar.”
“Alek, please.” Ian leaned down to press his forehead to Alek’s again. “Please.”
Alek breathed in deeply and hoped that he’d inhaled some of the air from Ian’s lungs and if he had that he could take it with him, so his last breath wouldn’t be alone.
Then Alek pulled away and turned onto his side. “I’d like to go to sleep. Would you turn out the light?”
