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I turn around and wrap her in a tight hug. “So ready. Can we blast JoJo Siwa when we get in the car?”
Lydia throws her head back in laughter. “What’s your obsession with JoJo Siwa?”
“She’s a total gaycon.”
“Gaycon?”
“Gay icon, obviously.” I realize we’re still hugging so I let go and take a step back. “I know you want to talk, so I’ll only make you play, like, two songs.”
“I never said I wanted to talk.”
I cross my arms over my chest and give her the look that only she understands. “So, you don’t want to talk?”
Lydia pushes me away playfully. “Shut up.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.” I put my arm out and Lydia links hers with mine.
We walk like this until reaching her car then separate so we can get in. Three JoJo songs play, and Lydia has yet to say anything. I turn down the music and turn to look at her. “So, what’s up?”
Lydia stares out at the road and chews on her bottom lip. “What exactly did I say when I was drunk on New Year’s Eve?”
I have to think since it was so long ago at this point. “Not much. You kept reminding me how much you loved me. You said that someone…” I rack my brain as I try to remember the details and snap my fingers when I do. “Sebastian Cole. That’s who it was. You said he tried to have sex with you and you didn’t want to, but you were thinking about it. Which I completely understand, by the way. Not the thinking about it part, but the not wanting to part. No offense, but Sebastian is gross.”
“Mar! Stay on topic, please.”
“Oh yeah. Sorry. Then you were just rambling about feelings and how you don’t want to be with people you don’t have feelings for anymore.”
“That’s it? That’s all I said?”
“Yeah. Why?” I’m still so confused about what she’s worried about.
“There’s something I haven’t told you. I’ve been keeping it inside for a really long time, but I feel guilty because you’re my best friend. We tell each other everything. I was worried I told you that night, and I hated the fact that I admitted something so big that I’ve been keeping in for so long when I was drunk. You deserve better than that.”
Um, what? “Lydia, I’m not going to lie, I’m so confused right now. What are you trying to say?”
Lydia takes a deep breath and pushes it out slowly. “I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be, and it scares the shit out of me. If this person ever found out, it could ruin everything, but I’m sick of being with people to try to fill the void of the person I really want.”
“Who is it?” That’s when it hits me. The notes. The person who has a crush on me, but is too scared to tell me who they are. The person who doesn’t want to come out. The one that I’ve been falling for right back. It can’t be Lydia, right? Not my best friend since I was little. No. There’s no way. Right? I need to process this. “You know what? If you’re not ready to tell me yet, I completely understand.”
“Really? Because I don’t want to keep secrets from you, but once I speak this out loud, it’s out there. It’s real.”
“Seriously. Don’t worry about it.” Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Cool. Thanks.”
We’re both quiet the rest of the drive back to the school to get my car. I’m not sure why Lydia is, but I know exactly why I am. When I get home, there are two people who immediately pop into my mind, so I get out my phone and text them both.
Are you free this weekend? I text Payton. I might need help processing something. Or I might just need pizza. Decision pending…
I leave that text thread so I can go into my chat with Genesis. Church on Sunday? I need Jesus.
They both agree, which is at least a little bit of a relief. This is fine. There’s no way it’s Lydia. No way it’s the girl who’s always been like family, the girl that I consider my second sister. It definitely isn’t someone I’ve known forever that I could lose if I can’t get myself to feel the same way. Lord… I really do need Jesus.
***
“I’m really glad we both have off on a Saturday so we can hang out,” I say as Payton and I sit down at a local pizzeria.
“Same.” Payton puts a shit ton of garlic salt on the pizza she just picked up from the front counter. “Everything okay? Your text sounded kind of desperate.”
