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“Of course. I get it. What can I do? Whatever you want, however much time you need, I’ll give it to you, no matter how much it hurts.”
“I don’t know how much time I need. It could take a day. It could take forever. I honestly wish I knew. All I do know is that we have to act as normal as possible around the girls. I don’t want to worry them. But, aside from that, I need to figure all of this out on my own.” Tori’s eyes were puffy and her face was flushed as she stared up at me. “I’m really sorry I ruined your birthday. I never wanted to hurt you.”
I pulled her up against me once again. I had no idea how I ever thought I could keep myself from falling for this woman. She was in so much pain and still was thinking of me. She was perfect, and I might have completely ruined it. “I never wanted to hurt you either, Tori.”
“I know you didn’t.” Tori looked down at her bed. “I just need time.”
“Of course.” I gave her a kiss on the forehead then stood from the bed. “Take as long as you need. I love you, Tori. I’d wait forever for you.”
***
Over the next two weeks, Tori kept her promise to act normal around the girls. We ate meals together and sat in the same room while the girls played, but everything had changed. When the girls went to bed, Tori locked herself in her room. When they were at daycare or with my parents or the Stones, Tori went to the barn to work. The only thing getting me by was the fact that school was starting on Monday so I would finally have work to occupy my time. The problem was I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the whole school day without having a breakdown since I couldn’t go more than a few hours without crying.
The worst part was that I had no one I could talk to. My mom and Lisa both tried to ask me about the situation with Tori multiple times, but what was I supposed to tell them? It’s not like I could tell them the truth. That had caused enough trouble already. No one else needed to know.
There was only one person I could turn to, and even though she couldn’t talk back, I knew she would be there to listen. After setting up my classroom, I took a detour on the way to pick up the girls from my parents’ house. A knot formed in my stomach as soon as I saw the sign for the cemetery. I didn’t come here very often, because seeing Willow’s name on that headstone made me sick to my stomach. Plus, I normally didn’t have to be by her grave to feel her presence, but today I was desperate. I needed to be as close to her as possible so I could figure out what the hell I was supposed to do.
I parked in the lot then slowly made my way to the area where she was buried. As I approached the grave, I noticed that I wasn’t alone. When I saw who was standing there, I thought about turning around, but I couldn’t. I needed Willow just as much as Tori did right now.
Chapter 17
“I’m so mad at you,” Tori said as she stared down at the grave. “I don’t want to be. I’ve tried to fight it. I’ve been trying for two weeks, but there’s no point. I’m fucking pissed, Willow.” She ran the back of her arm over her face, which I was pretty sure meant she was crying. I wanted to reach out and hold her, but I could tell she needed to let this out.
“How could you do this to me? You knew. All this time, you knew, and you never said a word. You let me move across the fucking country. If you just would have told me, I wouldn’t have gone. I never would have left you.”
I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I had to say something. “That’s why she didn’t tell you.”
Tori spun around, her red-rimmed eyes going wide when she saw me. I closed the space between us and put my hand on her arm. “When you said you were moving, I tried to convince Willow to tell you the truth so you two didn’t lose that time together, but she refused. She wanted you to live your life the way you wanted to. She didn’t want you to give something up just for her. And I’m so glad she didn’t tell you. You know why?”
Tori quickly shook her head back and forth, but didn’t say a word.
“Because she was right. If she told you the truth, you never would have left, and if you hadn’t moved to Las Vegas, we wouldn’t have Bella. I’m sure you’d agree that life wouldn’t be nearly as good without that beautiful little girl of yours.”
Tori brought her hand to her mouth as it dropped open. “You’re right. I’ve been so emotional, I didn’t even think of that. Why didn’t I think of that?” Tori’s shoulders began to shake, and she squeezed her eyes shut as more tears poured out of them. “I’m so scared, Rosemary.”
I tried to be respectful of Tori’s request for space, but I couldn’t take it anymore. There was no way I could watch her breaking and not step in, so I wrapped my arms tightly around her and placed a kiss on her temple. “Aww, sweetie. What are you scared of?”
“Everything. I’m scared that I’m not a good enough mom. I’m scared that I was capable of getting so angry at someone who isn’t even here to defend herself. I’m so scared of letting you back in after everything I learned, but I’m even more scared of losing you.”
I squeezed Tori even tighter in the hopes that I could convey everything I was feeling. “Oh, baby, you’ll never lose me. I promise. No matter what happens between us, I’ll always be here for you. And it’s okay to be angry. Willow would want you to be angry.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so. I used to try to hold in my feelings, because I didn’t want to fight with Willow knowing what I knew, but she would tell me to yell at her. She wanted me to get mad. Our emotions are what makes us feel alive. You shouldn’t hold them inside. Not even the bad ones.”
Tori nuzzled her face into my neck and took a deep breath as if she was completely taking me in. “I’m mad at you. I can’t even figure out exactly what I’m the most mad about. I’m mad you kept this secret from me, but I’m also mad you made a dumb mistake that caused me to figure it out. I’m mad you would have kept this from me forever if you could have, but I’m also mad that you didn’t. And I’m mad because I love you so much, but I also resent you. I don’t want to resent you, especially after everything you’ve done for me, but I do. I resent the fact that Willow decided to share this with you instead of me.”
Tori pulled away from me but moved her hands to my cheeks. “Do you know what else I’m fucking pissed about? No matter how much I try not to, all I can think about is kissing you.”
If I want to kiss the pretty girl sitting beside me, I’ll kiss the pretty girl sitting beside me. Those were some of the first words Willow ever said to me. I could remember the moment perfectly. She had just explained that she knew when she was going to die, but she was excited to know because she wasn’t going to waste any time. Kissing pretty girls was one of the ways Willow was living her life to the fullest. If I was going to live like Willow, I needed to listen to that advice. “Then kiss me, Tori. We’ll figure the rest of that out, I promise. But for now, kiss me.”
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised when Tori did as I asked. We both let out a little yelp as her lips quickly descended onto mine. Even though it had only been two weeks since our last kiss, it felt like years. Having her lips on mine and her tongue against my tongue was like coming home. It was all I wanted for the rest of my life, and I knew at that moment that I would do anything to make that happen.
“I’m so sorry, Tori,” I said between kisses.
Tori only pulled back for a moment as she continued to kiss me back. “I know you are. It’s okay.” She kissed me for a few more seconds before she pulled back again. “At least, it will be. We’ll work together to make it okay, because I can’t live without you. I can’t live without this.”
My heart burst open from her confession. “I can’t live without this either. I love you so much.”
