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I look up at Eli. “But he wasn’t. He wasn’t a nice guy at all. He was awful. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, like my mother would say.”
The water has a surprisingly calming effect on me, so I keep my fingers submerged, even though they’re starting to go numb.
“Clay and I became friends. Or at least, I thought we did. We texted each other a lot. Mostly just stupid stuff, and we joked around at the beginning and end of class. Right before the end of the semester, he told me that he wanted to celebrate passing the class with a B+ and asked me to come over to his house.”
“He’d been pretty flirty the last week we’d been studying, and stupidly I thought that meant that he might like me. If I’d have been thinking clearly, I’d have known better. But my heart was too involved, so I had zero perspective.”
Sighing, I give my head a shake, then continue on.
“Long story short: I went over there, and we ended up having sex. A few of his friends from the football team came over to his house not long after we’d finished. His parents were at work, and these guys just walked right into his room. I was still mostly undressed, laying in his bed, and my hair was a mess.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, remembering what they’d said about me and what they’d done. I wish the memories weren’t so fresh a few years later, but it still felt like it had happened only yesterday.
“Clay obviously hadn’t been expecting them. He quickly told them that he’d felt bad for me, and he had ‘thrown the nerd a pity fuck.’ He stood there, in front of all his friends, while I was still in his bed, and told them I was a shitty lay, and he’d only been nice to me so he could pass the class.”
I glance down at my feet, then swallow. “They got a really big laugh out of the whole thing.”
“Jesus Christ,” Eli mutters. “Holland—”
I hold up a hand. “I wish I was finished, but I’m not.”
His light brown eyes are filled with pity, and I can’t bear to see it, so I look down at the water in order to finish this miserable walk down memory lane.
“One of those guys took a photo of me in my disheveled state. Like I said, I was half-undressed. I was still in my bra, and still laying in Clay’s bed. After they’d come in, it had all gone south so fast. I’d been so stunned and horrified by what was happening that I just... froze. Anyway, that guy sent the picture out to half the school with the caption, ‘Pity lay = shitty lay.’”
Eli sucks in a breath and stands, then runs a hand down over his face. “Holy fucking shit. Holland.”
I lift my shoulder in a dismissive shrug. “Anyway, that was who ‘them’ meant.”
He sits back down and turns toward me, then gently places his hands on my shoulders. “You didn’t deserve that, okay? No one deserves that. Those guys are total pieces of shit, understand? Complete pieces of shit. And I’m so fucking sorry that happened to you.”
“Yeah. Me, too.”
It’s then that I realize that I’ve never told anyone what had happened to me that night, except for Penn. I’m not the kind of person who airs my dirty laundry, but for some reason, I needed him to know. Why, I’m not sure.
“So, what happened with you and Mandi after I left?” I ask him, desperate to change the subject.
“Not a whole lot. I bailed right after you grabbed your stuff. Then I ran home, changed, and went out looking for you.”
“I didn’t notice—did she clear the stuffed bunnies off of the bed for you?” I ask, attempting to lighten the mood.
“Holy shit, I thought you were exaggerating about them!” he exclaims. “No, they were all there on the bed. You’re right, it was pretty creepy. I felt like I was being watched.”
I can’t help but grin. “She really does have a rabbit obsession.”
“No kidding.”
“You know, I can’t help but worry about her, even though she pisses me off and drives me crazy,” I tell him. “She’s this beautiful girl, and I think she tries to be super nice, but she’s this weird combination of naïve, oblivious, and aggressive. Her parents are supposedly really strict, and I think that’s the problem. I don’t think she’s had a lot of opportunities to socialize with people her own age. Apparently, they didn’t let her go out much, and she has zero common sense when it comes to social norms. I’ve tried to help her, but it doesn’t sink in.”
“She’s going to have to learn lessons the hard way if she refuses to listen when people try to help her,” he points out. “Not much you can do about that.”
“This thing with you? It’s going to hurt her,” I tell him. “She’s halfway in love with you, Eli. I didn’t just warn you about her for your sake—I did it for her sake, too. I thought if you knew, you’d be more careful.”
He sighs. “Yeah, I know. I wish I could take that night back, believe me.”
“Well, maybe this whole thing will be a wakeup call for her.” I glance over at my building. “I don’t want to go back up there. I can’t deal with her tonight. I’m going to spend the night at the library.”
“What? You can’t stay in the library,” he scoffs. “How will you sleep?”
