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I had no idea what I’d done to enrage Joshua. Maybe it wasn’t me that tripped his trigger. Maybe it was self-inflicted. Pondering the time between our mind-blowing orgasms to his icy silent withdraw, I grew increasingly convinced his mood shift had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his late wife.
It would be an ironic and fatal combination if both of us suffered from the same fear of attachment. No, he was too confident, too successful, too much like me. Shit. We probably wore identical masks, but simply couldn’t see them. Or chose to ignore them. I knew well how to align smoke and mirrors to hide my soul; I’d been doing it for years. Did Joshua possess the same knack to keep people from crawling inside too deep, as well?
Sanna’s confession swirled in my brain. She’d closed herself off after the death of our parents. Dammit, she’d hit the nail on the head when she accused me of being afraid to love for fear of losing someone. I wasn’t afraid to fall in love; I was terrified. Maybe Joshua was too. The similarities between us weighed like a medicine ball in my gut. He was right about one thing—we definitely needed to talk.
I’d learned two important rules that day; never pick a fight with a Dominant until you know what ghosts are rattling around in his closet, and never try to put on a corset alone.
As I made my way toward the dungeon, my boobs peeked out from beneath the skewed top. Pausing outside Joshua’s door, indecision held me in a stranglehold. Should I leave him alone, or should I reach out to him? If he was battling demons from his past, I could lend him a shoulder. After all, I had experience with the emotional fallout, not to mention it was a compassionate thing to do.
Raising a fist to knock, I stopped. All I had were suppositions. I lacked the pieces of the puzzle to his sudden snarky, sullen mood. Maybe if you’d tried a little harder to find out what was bothering him instead of arguing with him, you’d have the info you needed. The sub inside picked a stellar moment to raise her head. I exhaled a perturbed sigh. I owed him an apology, but dammit, he owed me one too. That or an explanation. It wasn’t too much to ask.
Sucking in a fortifying breath, I closed my eyes and knocked.
“It’s open,” Joshua barked from beyond the door.
From his tone, I surmised he hadn’t sweetened up much. I gave serious thought to walking away. My luck, he’d open the door and see me ding-dong-ditching like a six-year-old. It was bad enough feeling so ridiculously awkward, like I did back in high school; my insecurities left the same bitter residue on my tongue as they had back then.
Gripping the handle, I turned the knob and opened the door. Joshua sat on the edge of his bed, legs spread, shoulders slumped, and a glass of that nasty amber Scotch in his glass. Still naked from the waist up, he raised his head, issued a heavy sigh, then glanced back at his drink.
“I’m sorry I disturbed you. All this can wait until tomorrow,” I backpedaled, instantly regretting my decision to help him.
“No, it can’t, Mellie. Come in and close the door, please.”
Swallowing tightly, I did as he asked before making my way to where he sat. Joshua put the glass down and stood. Taking in the state of my corset, a tiny smile pulled at the side of his mouth.
“Come here.”
I wanted to rush to his arms, feel his lean body against mine. Hear him tell me in that calm, reassuring voice everything was going to be all right. But this wasn’t Disneyland. No amount of magic pixie dust could float our excess baggage to the heavens.
When I slowly stepped toward him, he reached up and began to align the steel busks on the corset.
“I’m sorry I lost control earlier,” he began. “I don’t expect you to excuse my behavior, and I’m not ready to dissect it with you, yet. I need time to sort it out. But I had no right to be cruel and inconsiderate. I’m truly sorry I was such a prick to you, Mellie.”
Every word he said came from his heart. It pained me to see him drowning in remorse.
“Was it something I said? Something I did?”
“No. Not directly. You were perfect. Stunning. You gave me something I hadn’t experienced for a very long time. Your gift was precious, little one. Please don’t doubt that. I’m sorry I made you think it was you. It wasn’t. It was me. There’re things I need to…”
“I’m the one who should be apologizing. My stupid knee-jerk reaction spoiled everything. I didn’t mean to let Mouthy-Mellie take over. I should have bitten my tongue.”
Joshua shook his head. “No, little one. I don’t want a woman who’s afraid to speak her mind. I’m truly humbled at the submission you gave me. I’ll cherish it…always.”
Dread rose from the pit of my stomach, expanding and thickening in my throat. His speech sounded like a preamble to ‘goodbye’.
“But I’ve not earned the submission you graciously gave me, at least not yet. After learning about your past with Kerr, I understand why submission is so hard for you. You’ve slipped on a pair of shoes you discovered in the back of your closet. They feel funny, their fit isn’t quite yet comfortable, and won’t be until you’ve had a chance to break them back in.”
I nodded and wanted to smile at his analogy. Using shoes instead of car parts was…sweet of him. “I didn’t mean to upset you or call you names, they just slipped out.”
“You didn’t upset me. There’s no need to apologize for calling me names I earned. You didn’t bring this on, Mellie. I did.”
“Please, tell me what happened?” I sounded desperate in a pathetic, nagging sort of way, that I inwardly cringed. Somewhere inside was a grown, confident woman, but at the moment, the cowardly bitch was hiding.
Joshua shook his head then leaned in and pressed his lips to my forehead.
“Your true nature calls for you to fix this, smooth things over and make me happy, to take care of me, my problems, and my issues.” He shook his head. “But they’re not yours to fix. I have to sort my shit out on my own.”
“I understand.” I really didn’t, but I had no idea what else to say. I issued a slight nod and a weak smile. “Well, I guess I’ll go join Sanna at the bar.”
