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“Wh…what?”she stammered.
“Did he tell you that he loved you?Please.I need to know.”
“I…don’t…my relationship with George was quite complicated.You see, my husband, Terrance, suffered a stroke in his late forties.He’s been in a vegetative state at a nearby nursing home for the past forty years.”
“I’m sorry, Paula.Please don’t think me rude, but could you please just answer my question?”
I didn’t want to know about her life or the circumstances that had knitted her and George.And I certainly didn’t want to hear the details of their affair.I simply needed to know if he’d ever said the three little words to her that he’d never said to me.
“Well, yes…All the time, in fact.Why do you ask?”
“It’s not important,” I assured her, forcing an impassive tone.“Thank you.I appreciate your candidness, and I’m sorry that he’s no longer in your life.”
“My goodness,” she exclaimed, obviously surprised by my condolence.“And if I may, the same to you, dear.”
“Thank you.I appreciate that.Goodbye.”
After ending the call, I sat on my bed, numb and empty.I may as well have been floating in space.A cold void sluiced through my veins, permeated my soul, and siphoned off any remaining devotion I felt for George.
Lost in a fog of thought, I didn’t hear Tony come into the room.It wasn’t until he climbed onto the bed and cupped my face in his hands that I realized he was back.Wearing a worried expression, he picked up the pages of George’s note, still lying in my lap, and began to read.
Without a word, he joined me on the bed, draped his arm around my shoulder, and tucked me against his chest.I clung to him and breathed in his manly scent, amazed Tony knew exactly what I needed.And even as I drank in his silent reassurance, I worried I was setting myself up for another brutal fall.But I couldn’t fight the feelings he fostered in me.
“I phoned Paula a little while ago,” I whispered.
“You called her?Why?”Tony asked in disbelief.
“After I read George’s note, I realized that never once did he tell me that he loved me.
He enjoyed my company, in bed and other ways.And on some level, I think he cared about me a great deal, but I realize now he was neverin lovewith me.Paula owned his heart.I was just…I don’t know…someone to fill in the gaps, I suppose.I tried to convince myself that our relationship had been a charade, but that’s a lie.He cared about me on a surface level; we simply lacked depth.I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“You’re not upset that George wasn’t in love with you, angel?You’re not crying or cursing.Aren’t you angry about that?”
“Every day since I woke up in the hospital, I’ve been angry with him.It’s not solved anything, only made me bitter.It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t love me.I was a fool to imagine he did.But kicking my own ass or wallowing in pity isn’t going to resolve a thing.If I’m going to pity anyone, it’s George.I feel sorry for him.I mean, think about it.He spent nearly his whole life wanting a woman he couldn’t have.He married Sloane knowing he’d never have Paula and ended up spending the last years of his life with another woman he didn’t truly love, me.It was like the gods had played some kind of cruel cosmic joke with his life.I never knew how cheated and empty he must have felt.”
“But you filled some of that emptiness, Leagh.I know that for a fact.And yes, it’s not easy aching day in, day out, wanting someone you can’t have.”
My body tensed, and I wondered if his comment was aimed at me.
Tony let out a soft chuckle before clearing his throat.“Paula’s married.”
“I know; she told me about her husband.”
“Then you know he’s been incapable of loving her for a long time.I’m sure she struggled with her own demons before having an affair with George.”
“Maybe.I don’t know.I honestly don’t care.”I shrugged.“I’ve spent as many days being jealous of her as I have being pissed off at George.But the bottom line is neither of them had much happiness.I think if things had been different, the two of them would have shared something uniquely profound.”
“I think they did, in their own way, at least, as best they could.So have you worked through your anger at George?”
“Not by a long shot.I’m still livid with him.Trouble is, staying angry with him makes me feel like a victim.I don’t like it.Allowing George to make me feel like a victim is ten times uglier than him keeping his affair with Paula a secret.Like I said, I just feel pity for him.He spent years a hostage to Sloane’s greed.And when the poor bastard finally got free, she blackmailed him.With so many odds stacked against him, the man never stood a chance.”
“I think you’re right.I also think you have a wealth of compassion inside that bruised and battered heart of yours.Life’s not always fair.But I have a sneaking suspicion you know that first hand.Don’t you?”
Tony was digging for clues about my past, but I wasn’t ready to unload that steaming pile of shit yet.My trust issues had taken a massive hit with George’s affair.I wasn’t ready to stick my neck back on the chopping block quite yet.
“Yes.But we’re not discussing the skeletons in my closet,” I whispered.
“I realize that.But long before Reed mentioned a restraining order, my hand’s been on the knob of your closet, just itching to open it.”
